Let me explain.
I know, I know, I drop off the blogging planet with only a check in here and there, only to return with a bombshell like this??! What is wrong with me?!
Let me just start with the obvious question: I don’t actually know if I’m pregnant or not. I haven’t peed on a stick in 3 years. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. If I suspect, I should just do it, right? But here’s the thing. When you are an infertile, that dreaded stick and it’s looming will they won’t they pink lines can mean utter devastation. I’m having a lot of feeling stirred up that I haven’t felt since probably this time 3 years ago, when I was on my final cycle that would find me pregnant with my precious baby boy. I don’t like these feelings. Anxiety, dread, excitement, hope. I want to go back and live in my happy little bubble with my crazy, energetic toddler, and make my mind again forget about things like hpt’s, opk’s, ttc, ewcm, af, bfp, bfn, tww, clomid, progesterone, hcg, letrozole, follistim, lovenox, etc, etc, etc, etc. I was happy in that bubble. Until this week.
Monday was a weird day. I woke up STARVING. Like, so hungry that I was beginning to feel sick. So I stopped by Starbucks on my way to work and got an iced vanilla chai latte and a slice of banana bread. By the time I got to work I was feeling pretty yucky and could only nibble on the bread. Ok, that doesn’t mean anything. But then, my breasts started to feel very tender. Huh. Strange.
Since having M, I haven’t gone on any kind of birth control. I have a prescription for Provera so that if I go too long without a period, I can take it and make myself have one. I have 4 refills on it, as my doctor wants me to have at last 4 periods a year. I’ve only used it once. Back in February, I was thinking I should get it filled since it had been about 4 or 5 months since my last (provera induced) period. But, much to my surprise, I started my period on my own! That was fine and all. But I didn’t expect it to happen again. But low and behold, March rolled around and I started my period AGAIN, and again, on my own – no meds! Pretty crazy for a gal with PCOS.
Now, I still chalked these up to flukes and didn’t really keep track of them. My March cycle started out light and brown (sorry, TMI) but I didn’t worry because it had been away since I’d had a normal cycle every month, so it would be normal for there to be old blood. I’m not really sure when I started normal flow. And I didn’t expect anything out of it, or to get lucky enough to have a cycle in April as well.
Well, cut back to this week. Yucky feeling, very sore, tender boobies. Literally, it feels like razor blades are shredding my nipples when my tee shirt rubs against them. So my first though is…is this what PMS feels like? Is it time to start my period again? I’m not really sure because I’ve NEVER had a normal cycle…even as a teenager. So it maybe my body just gearing up for AF. Who knows. But I didn’t even keep track of the last two periods, so I’m not sure if I’m a week away from time or two weeks or what! I’m guessing I’m close to time to start if I was a normal woman with 28 day cycles. But I’m not, so again, who knows.
And here’s the thing that gets me. The boobies, man. My nipples have NEVER been this sore unless I was on fertility medication or pregnant. Well, I’m not on any medication, ladies. And I’m not saying that means anything, but….what if it means something?! Between the nipples, and the yucky feeling (that’s not necessarily nausea but still a “blech” feeling) I can’t help but have this thought in the back of mind that….maybe I am?
I mean, it would be amazing if I was. I’ve always dreamed of getting pregnant on my own. Of it being a total surprise and surprising my husband that we did it naturally and he didn’t have to make a “deposit” into a specimen cup this time. We made the decision to not sue birth control, and for two years we haven’t actively tried, but we haven’t kept it from happening either. I mean, the odds are not in my favor to get pregnant that easily, so we have thrown caution to wind, if you will.
I’m not sure we were quite ready to start trying again. We had originally thought we would try when M was 18 months old, but I just wasn’t ready at that time, physically or mentally. The whole thought of trying to conceive again just really exhausts me. So now M is two years old, and we are just now dipping our toes into the water on the idea of trying later this year.
We didn’t want to try this spring, because M was conceived in April and born January 2nd, a week after Christmas, making that time of year extra stressful. We wanted to try to avoid adding another holiday birthday to the mix. So if I WAS, it would be absolutely hilarious since we specifically didn’t want to get pregnant right now.
It would be hilarious, but I would be SO HAPPY! A baby is blessing, especially to a family like ours who has struggled so much. I’ve really missed being pregnant, and while the idea of being pregnant with a toddler to chase around is exhausting, I know momma’s do it all the time. The idea of M being a big brother just almost makes my heart explode, because I know he will be amazing at it. The very notion that we could add a fourth to our family just absolutely overflows my soul with joy!
So here I am, with my sore boobies and my yucky stomach, retreating back to the archives of this blog (to almost this exact date 3 years ago) hoping to find some answers…were my boobies this sore then? Was I nauseous then? Are there other signs that I wrote down?
Honestly, there aren’t any answers there for me. Although it was nice to look back on. The only answer to my question lies on that dreaded stick. The one I have yet to pee on. And I’m not sure what I’m waiting on. I think I’m just scared. I’ve almost convinced myself that the impossible has happened, and if I pee on that stick and only see one line, I know what devastation is to come. Sure, this wouldn’t come after 2 and a half years of ttc, and this wouldn’t come after my first cycle after a miscarriage, but I remember those feelings all too well, and I’m afraid I will never NOT be able to react or feel that way about a BFN.
So here I am, just waiting. For what? I’m not sure. I have no idea when my period would be “due” anyway. So its not like I can wait until I’m late. Hell, I could already be late for all I know, and that doesn’t necessarily mean anything either.
I’m sure I’ll pee on that stick soon. Just to make sure. I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m probably setting myself up for. But at some point I’m going to have to do it.
I’ll keep you guys updated!