If At First You Don’t Succeed…

Here I am, back on CD20.  Doesn’t it seem like we were just here?

My ultrasound on the 17th showed some good and bad news.  Good news is, I am ovulating. Yay! Bad news is, its on the wrong ovary. Boo!  Having a missing fallopian tube can really be a bummer.  So I’m basically sitting this month out, which is a little depressing and frustrating when I know there are perfectly good follicles just waiting to make a baby on that left ovary with absolutely nowhere to go.

On the bright side, the letrozole is working, much better than the clomid ever did.  And chances are I’ll be ovulating on the right ovary next cycle {fingers crossed}.  If my cycle resembles any sort of normalcy {which lets be honest, it never has} then AF should show up around September 6th, and we can get on with it.  Who knew I’d ever be looking forward to that happening??

On another note, I think I may be losing my mind.  I’ve been doing this for two years now.  Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid, Provera, Letrozole, etc, etc, etc.  It’s true that most of the time I’m an emotional wreck.  I cry at ridiculous moments. I snap at people I love for no reason.  I cry some more at some even more ridiculous moments.  But here lately, it seems to be getting the best of me.  I feel more on edge, more anxious, and more stressed about little stuff {mostly at work} that never bothered me before.  More than once in the last few weeks I’m broke down in tears at work because I’ve just felt so overwhelmed.  I feel like maybe all the hormones are finally catching up to me?  I spoke with an older friend at work {who is an RN} privately about this, and she suggested that I tell Dr. L whats going on and see if maybe he can prescribe a low dose something or other to help take the edge off.  She told me that there was no shame in taking something as needed short term, especially since I legitimately seem to need it.

I’ve never taken any sort of antidepressant/anxiety medicine.  I’m very reluctant about it even now.  But I’m getting to the point where functioning normally at my job at a daily basis is getting more and more difficult.  I don’t want to be that girl.  You know… “Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s just having another emotional breakdown. *whispers* She’s on fertility meds.”  Yeah. That girl.  But I am. I am that girl.  People make excuses for me because of all the hormones I’m on.  Hell, I make excuses for myself!  And I hate it.

So, here I am.  I can’t even bring myself to make the phone call.  I almost feel like if I make that call and ask for help, it means I’m weak and I can’t handle this.  And I can handle this.  I’ve been through too much to not be able to handle this now.  But I don’t know if I can keep going the way I’ve been going.  I’m a few breakdowns shy from everyone {including myself} thinking I’ve completely gone off my rocker.  And quitting this process is not an option.  I’m probably way overdue for taking a break from TTC.   I wish I had enough sense to do that, but I want this too bad.  I will not stop until we’ve made a baby.  We will have to exhaust every single option there is out there, and even then I think my uterus will have to fall out before I finally give up.

So maybe I’ll call on Monday.  Maybe.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

What a week its been! I swear, its a good thing today was Friday, because I never would’ve been able to make it another day. Let’s get this out of the way…IUI #1 was a bust. BFN‘s all around. Boo. A quick rundown of the week:

Friday(August 3rd) – 14 days past IUI. CD29. I had pretty much tested every morning for the past 4 days. All BFN’s. All week long I had been cramping like crazy, and I felt like I was going to start any moment. So every time I went to the bathroom I was looking for it, but secretly praying that it wouldn’t be there. Consequently, I’m pretty sure I went to the bathroom at least 25 times while at work that day. AF did not show, though. Such a tease.

Saturday(August 4th) – 15 days past IUI. CD30. BFN. For some unholy reason I volunteered to work this day. The clinic is normally closed on Saturday but we had a back to school special going on so this weekend was an exception. I found out very quickly that I NEED my Satudays off. Somewhere in the middle of the morning I had a crazy sharp pain down in my uterus. Like a stop me in my tracks and bend over sort of pain. It only last for a minute or two. And I had absolutely no idea what it meant or whether it was a good or bad sign. Later that evening at home I had a tiny bit of spotting. Finally, AF had arrived! I wasn’t particularly glad to see her, but I was just glad the waiting was over and I could finally get on with my life. Or so I thought.

Sunday(August 5th) – 16 days past IUI. CD31. Did not test this day. Expected AF to be flowing hardcore when I woke up. But she was nowhere to be found. And she never stopped back in. No spotting. Nothing.

Monday(August 6th) – 17 days past IUI. CD32. BFN. Oh .My. God. Monday came around awfully quick. Still no AF, but I did have a faint pink “discharge” that was coming and going all day. This seemed strange to me. When I start a cycle, I START. It’s on. I mean, its absolutely ridiculous for the first few days. I wasn’t sure what to make of this dainty pink stuff that may or may not be there. So I called the office. Nurse D calls me back and says Dr. L wants me to come in for a blood test, just to make sure.  {In other news, the knocked up new girl that I’ve been training was let go today. She just wasn’t doing the job and she wasn’t anywhere near where she should’ve been after over a month. And I honestly just don’t think she wanted to be there. This is majorly selfish of me, but a big part of me was happy to see her go. If only because it was so unbearable to watch her walk around all accidently pregnant while I can’t get that way no matter how hard I try. I sincerely do hope she figures it all out and things work out for her in the end. I’m just kinda glad I’m not gonna be right in the middle of it.}

Tuesday(August 7th) – 18 days past IUI. CD33. Blood test comes back negative. Dr. L doesn’t feel comfortable with this abnormal bleeding I’m having though, so he says to wait it out and call him back on CD35 and let him know what’s going on then. So at this point I have nothing to show for any of this except unanswered questions and a big fat bruise:

Does this color look good on me?

Thursday(August 8th) – CD35. Turns out, AF showed up in full swing late Tuesday night. The flood gates opened. So I called Dr. L today and they sent in my Letrozole. Ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday the 17th. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I had an absolute horror show of a meltdown at work. I literally started crying right in the middle of surgery. Not sad, sobbing crying. It was angry crying. Every little thing was setting me off. I even snapped at one of my closest friends, who I happen to work with. This girl and I went to college together, we work together, I was in her wedding, and we have NEVER ever had any sort of tuft between us. But I was on the warpath and apparently it didn’t matter who was in the line of fire. Oh…poor hubby later that night. It was a bad day.

So here we are again. Back on CD5 {we ended up counting Monday’s spotting as CD1}. I started my Letrozole {Femara} tonight and will continue it until CD9. I’m a little concerned because Dr. L will be off all next week, so he won’t be there when I go in for my ultrasound on CD12. Whoever the on-call doc is will look at my u/s and decide what to do from there. I’m sure whoever it is is perfectly capable, but I just feel uncomfortable with anyone but Dr. L calling the shots on my IUI. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

This week has exhausted me. I’m so thrilled that its Friday again and that I get my FULL weekend! I’m gonna try to get through it without crying {too much} or being {too} mean to anyone.  HA!