If At First You Don’t Succeed…

Here I am, back on CD20.  Doesn’t it seem like we were just here?

My ultrasound on the 17th showed some good and bad news.  Good news is, I am ovulating. Yay! Bad news is, its on the wrong ovary. Boo!  Having a missing fallopian tube can really be a bummer.  So I’m basically sitting this month out, which is a little depressing and frustrating when I know there are perfectly good follicles just waiting to make a baby on that left ovary with absolutely nowhere to go.

On the bright side, the letrozole is working, much better than the clomid ever did.  And chances are I’ll be ovulating on the right ovary next cycle {fingers crossed}.  If my cycle resembles any sort of normalcy {which lets be honest, it never has} then AF should show up around September 6th, and we can get on with it.  Who knew I’d ever be looking forward to that happening??

On another note, I think I may be losing my mind.  I’ve been doing this for two years now.  Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid, Provera, Letrozole, etc, etc, etc.  It’s true that most of the time I’m an emotional wreck.  I cry at ridiculous moments. I snap at people I love for no reason.  I cry some more at some even more ridiculous moments.  But here lately, it seems to be getting the best of me.  I feel more on edge, more anxious, and more stressed about little stuff {mostly at work} that never bothered me before.  More than once in the last few weeks I’m broke down in tears at work because I’ve just felt so overwhelmed.  I feel like maybe all the hormones are finally catching up to me?  I spoke with an older friend at work {who is an RN} privately about this, and she suggested that I tell Dr. L whats going on and see if maybe he can prescribe a low dose something or other to help take the edge off.  She told me that there was no shame in taking something as needed short term, especially since I legitimately seem to need it.

I’ve never taken any sort of antidepressant/anxiety medicine.  I’m very reluctant about it even now.  But I’m getting to the point where functioning normally at my job at a daily basis is getting more and more difficult.  I don’t want to be that girl.  You know… “Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s just having another emotional breakdown. *whispers* She’s on fertility meds.”  Yeah. That girl.  But I am. I am that girl.  People make excuses for me because of all the hormones I’m on.  Hell, I make excuses for myself!  And I hate it.

So, here I am.  I can’t even bring myself to make the phone call.  I almost feel like if I make that call and ask for help, it means I’m weak and I can’t handle this.  And I can handle this.  I’ve been through too much to not be able to handle this now.  But I don’t know if I can keep going the way I’ve been going.  I’m a few breakdowns shy from everyone {including myself} thinking I’ve completely gone off my rocker.  And quitting this process is not an option.  I’m probably way overdue for taking a break from TTC.   I wish I had enough sense to do that, but I want this too bad.  I will not stop until we’ve made a baby.  We will have to exhaust every single option there is out there, and even then I think my uterus will have to fall out before I finally give up.

So maybe I’ll call on Monday.  Maybe.


5 thoughts on “If At First You Don’t Succeed…

  1. Two years is a LONG time to do fertility meds! Some of these meds have pretty awful long-term effects on your body. Clomid can cause increased chances of ovarian cancer and Letrozole can decrease bone density. And it’s rough because they longer you take them, the less your body reacts to them, so the dose has to be upped.
    It’s a vicious cycle, but if you do decide to continue without a break, I hope you can find something that helps you with the emotional breakdowns…. I know they are overwhelming (I had them myself by the fourth round of follistim)! It’s amazing to think about how much we have to put ourselves through to make a family. It’s all worth it, but it sure does take it’s toll!

    • It will actually be 2 years in October, so I rounded up just a bit, but still! In that amount of time I’ve actually been pregnant twice (one ectopic, one miscarriage) so that did give me a break in there between the meds, but even the pregnancies messed with me emotionally.

      I worried about the long term effects of the clomid every time I took it and my dosage kept being upped. It finally got to the point where I wasn’t responding at all to it. We’ve only done 2 rounds of letrozole, and my hope is that 3 will be our lucky number. If only that stinking AF would hurry and get here!

      Thank you, I hope I can find something that will help that doesn’t make me a zombie. I just feel so completely out of control of my emotions. It will all be completely worth it someday, I know this. We are all stronger people than anyone will ever know. People say things like, “Well, when you’re a mother, you’ll know.” But this process changes you. I may not be a mother yet, but I definitely know a thing or two about unconditional love and sacrifice.

      • There is no doubt about this process changing you. I feel like a completely different person since we started this almost three years ago. Weird that I feel like a better person, since I know the meds made me a crazy freak of a person there for a few months. 😉 I guess all the struggling and challenges really makes you appreciate all the good you have, even though all the bad certainly echos in your head. I also had a miscarriage and I think about it every day.
        I hope the third times a charm for you! We all need a positive, and we need for that positive to STAY a positive! 🙂 Ever thought you’d want AF to hurry and get here? haha

  2. Asking for help means you ARE strong. Don’t be scared, you will probably be so relieved afterwards!
    Oh and by the way, your remaining tube can still “catch” your egg, even if you don’t ovulate on your good side 😉

    • Thanks for the words of encouragement!! I’m still avoiding making the phone call, but I’m hoping to get the guts up soon!

      And I know there’s a chance my lonely tube could grab the egg, but apparently its not a high enough chance for the doc to even consider doing IUI unless I’m ovulating on the right ovary. So we’re stuck to doing it the old fashioned way until next go around. 😉

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