365 Days of Loss

“This isn’t something you get over.  It’s just something you get through, and then you carry it around with you for the rest of your life.  It’s part of your story now.  Part of your history.  It’ll always, always hurt.  Just not quite as bad someday.” -Lucious Lemon by Heather Swain

I’m not really sure what I intended to write when I started to make this post.  So it’ll be a surpise to all of us I guess.

I got up this morning knowing the significance of this date.  I thought about it yesterday.  Hell, I thought about it all week long.  A year to the day that I miscarried.  365 days ago.  365 days of hurting.  365 days of crying.  365 days of guilt.  Of selfishness.  Of bitterness.  Of anger.  365 days of loss.

It’s weird.  I’ve been worried that I wouldn’t be able to cry today.  The hormone filled girl who sobs uncontrollably when a bathroom tissue commercial comes on was afraid she wouldn’t be able to cry today.  Of all days.

I was afraid that the meds {Zoloft} I started to control my hormonal outbursts would keep my emotions at bay.  Thats what they’re supposed to do, after all.  But I need to cry today.

And I did.  I am.  And I am far from done.

Thankfully my worst fears did not come true, and the meds did not cloud the single most important and devastating thing that has ever happened to me.  Because I needed to feel this today.  It’s a part of me.  Forever.  It’s not going away.

And I surprise even myself when I say… I wouldn’t want it to.

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