Hard To Be Thankful

I know, I know.  I have much to be thankful for.  I have a roof over my head.  A good job.  A nice car.  Medical insurance.  A wonderful {though sometimes annoying} husband.  The sweetest little fur baby you will ever meet.  Really, I want for nothing in the physical sense.

It started out as a great day.  We spent the first part of our day having dinner at my Aunt’s house with my mom’s side of the family.  Afterwards, we went to my Grandma’s on my dad’s side.  As soon as I walk in the door —- no, BEFORE I had even made it through the door, I’m bombarded with the news that my cousin’s wife is pregnant and today is the day they chose to share this joyous news.

I’m on the front porch.  My uncle is hugging me.  Smiling ear to ear.  Excitedly anouncing, “We’re getting a baby!”  I steady my breathing.  I’m holding it together.  I can handle this.  I walk through the front door and give my cousin a hug.  He and I are the same age, born a month apart from each other.  We grew up together.  We went to school together and graduated together.  We got married 4 months apart from each other.  A big part of me is happy for him.  But an equally big part of me is devastated.  But I’ve got this.  I’m holding it together and I’ve got this.

Before I even let go of the half hearted embrace between the two of us, my Grandma yells across the room to me, “Well, do YOU have any good news for us yet?”

I don’t have this anymore.  And its all I can do to continue to hold it together.

I spent half an hour sitting uncomfortably on the couch while everyone went on and on about the new baby, and what symptoms she’s been having, and how, bless her heart, she couldn’t even keep Thanksgiving dinner down.  And then everyone in the room wanted to share their pregnancy stories.  What foods made them sick.  What foods they craved.  It’s all I can do to sit there and smile through it all.  I’m fighting  back tears and a total mental breakdown, all the while wondering if this is all really happening.

Finally, they leave because she’s tired and not feeling well.  I’m ashamed of the relief I feel when her occupied uterus leaves the room.

I know I’m being a brat.  And I know its not their fault that my lady bits don’t work.  But in my world, where everything revolves around me, I felt like it was all being forcefully shoved in my face.  I also realize how absolutely absurd that is.  But I don’t care.

I need December 17 to get here.  Now.

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Grow Follies Grow!

CD14.  Ultrasound on Monday showed 3 follicles on my right ovary (yay!) and a couple of very small ones on my left.  The ones on my right ovary were around 11mm, which Dr. L felt was a little small.  A second ultrasound 2 days later (today) showed that they hadn’t grown any.  Boo. Dr. L mentioned to me Monday that it boggles his mind how inconsistent I am.  Great numbers one month, absolutey nothing the next.  Bad numbers another month, but then I end up ovulating, presumably late.  He said I may just ovulate late this cycle, so it’s basically a wait and see situation.  I guess I’ll get some OPK’s and test the rest of this week just to see.  He’s out today and the rest of the week, so the ultrasound tech said she’d leave my scans for him and have him call me on Monday to see where to go from there.

When I saw him this week, he mentioned doing some lab work if I don’t ovulate this cycle to rule out premature ovary failure, since, like I said before, I’m so inconsistent.  I haven’t done much research on it (purposefully) because I don’t want to freak myself out unless I have to. But let’s just all please cross our fingers that this is not the case.  I have enough stacked against me as it is!

Good news is my appointment with the RE has been moved up to December 17!  I had to move it because my boss was being a bitch and wouldn’t let me take off on the 2nd, but at least I’m getting in quicker.  I’m ready.  I just hope boss lady understands that when this process starts, there’s no rescheduling appointments.  I go when I have to go.  I thought she understood this.  We had a very long conversation about this over a month ago and she said she supported me and would work with me on it.  We’ll see how that goes.

Everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!  I haven’t been doing the 30 days of thanksful thing, but let me just say… I hate that any of us have to go through it, but I’m so thankful for a community of women who know and understand exactly what I’m going through.  ❤