Hard To Be Thankful

I know, I know.  I have much to be thankful for.  I have a roof over my head.  A good job.  A nice car.  Medical insurance.  A wonderful {though sometimes annoying} husband.  The sweetest little fur baby you will ever meet.  Really, I want for nothing in the physical sense.

It started out as a great day.  We spent the first part of our day having dinner at my Aunt’s house with my mom’s side of the family.  Afterwards, we went to my Grandma’s on my dad’s side.  As soon as I walk in the door —- no, BEFORE I had even made it through the door, I’m bombarded with the news that my cousin’s wife is pregnant and today is the day they chose to share this joyous news.

I’m on the front porch.  My uncle is hugging me.  Smiling ear to ear.  Excitedly anouncing, “We’re getting a baby!”  I steady my breathing.  I’m holding it together.  I can handle this.  I walk through the front door and give my cousin a hug.  He and I are the same age, born a month apart from each other.  We grew up together.  We went to school together and graduated together.  We got married 4 months apart from each other.  A big part of me is happy for him.  But an equally big part of me is devastated.  But I’ve got this.  I’m holding it together and I’ve got this.

Before I even let go of the half hearted embrace between the two of us, my Grandma yells across the room to me, “Well, do YOU have any good news for us yet?”

I don’t have this anymore.  And its all I can do to continue to hold it together.

I spent half an hour sitting uncomfortably on the couch while everyone went on and on about the new baby, and what symptoms she’s been having, and how, bless her heart, she couldn’t even keep Thanksgiving dinner down.  And then everyone in the room wanted to share their pregnancy stories.  What foods made them sick.  What foods they craved.  It’s all I can do to sit there and smile through it all.  I’m fighting  back tears and a total mental breakdown, all the while wondering if this is all really happening.

Finally, they leave because she’s tired and not feeling well.  I’m ashamed of the relief I feel when her occupied uterus leaves the room.

I know I’m being a brat.  And I know its not their fault that my lady bits don’t work.  But in my world, where everything revolves around me, I felt like it was all being forcefully shoved in my face.  I also realize how absolutely absurd that is.  But I don’t care.

I need December 17 to get here.  Now.

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4 thoughts on “Hard To Be Thankful

  1. I have felt this way before, and you are NOT being a brat! Do any of them know about your struggles? If they did, it was insensitive of them to go on and on. It’s one thing to congratulate your cousin, but quite another thing to then proceed to talk about their pregnancy stories (unless, of course, they didn’t know what you’ve been going through). But regardless of their behavior, you showed a lot of courage. I’m just sorry you had to experience that (and on Thangiving of all days).

    • Thank you. And yes, they know {mostly} about our struggles. They know that we’ve been trying for “a while.” They know about my surgery I had in 2011 for my tubal pregnancy. And they know about my miscarriage last September. I’m not sure they truly really understand what all we’ve had to go through every single month in the past two years. Really, I’m not sure anyone understands unless they’ve been through it as well.

      On the one hand I feel like they were insensitive and a little over the top. On the other, I know they were exicted and I hate to feel like people should walk on eggshells around me. But I don’t think its too much to ask to just be aware of some of the things you’re saying. At least when I’m around.

      Thanks so much again!

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