Huge Mistake

Ok.  This post is going to be strange.  And it’s going to demonstrate just how much the grief of my miscarriage caused me to lose my mind.  Seriously.

Today has been a pretty good day.  I cleaned a little house.  Watched a little TV.  I’ve been studying for my 3 hour certification exam I have to take Tuesday morning for work.  I’m feeling a little tired, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Just some major indigestion happening from my bowl of cereal this morning.  All in a all a good day.

For some reason while I was cleaning house today, I decided to look at our ultrasound from our first pregnancy.  I stuck it in a book when everything happened and I’m not sure that I’ve looked at it since.  I’m not sure why I wanted to look at it.  I wasn’t feeling sad or down or having any bad feelings about my current pregnancy.  I actually feel good about it.  Maybe that’s why I felt it was ok to look at it now.  To take another look at the baby that could have been while I’m happily carrying it’s brother or sister.  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s a crazy pregnant lady hormone thing.  All I know is without hesitation I opened the book and found the scan.

This is where it gets weird.

All this time, for the past 18 months, I’ve been under the impression that I miscarried at 8 weeks 1 day.  That’s what I told people when it happened.  That’s what I tell people now if it comes up.  That’s what I’ve written in this blog.  The scan that I looked at today was taken just 4 days before I started bleeding.  It was done on a Monday, and the bleeding started on Friday.  After taking a look at the scan today, I noticed that on the day of the scan, the baby actually measured 8w6d.   …….WHAT?!

I mean, seriously, my mind is completely blown.  8w6d.  That means that I was well past the 8w1d mark that I’ve been making myself sick about.  And that means that I actually miscarried at 9w3d.  I don’t even know what to say or think about it.  I am floored.  All this time I never thought that I had made it to 9 weeks before, and in all actuality, I was well into my 10th week.  I don’t know why that makes such a difference to me but I just can’t wrap my mind around it.

So where did the 8w1d assumption come from??  I know I didn’t make it up.  I do remember Dr. L saying those words to me.  And now that I’m not torn apart with grief about it, I can logically recall what the conversation was about.  I was heartbroken, in that dark doctor’s office.  I was crying beyond control.  Dr. L was hugging me and consoling me, and trying to explain the details to me as best he could.  I know he said the words 8 weeks 1 day.  I know he did.  Except now I know that’s not the day I miscarried.  No.  That’s what the baby measured that day on the ultrasound.  He measured 8 weeks 1 day, when four days earlier he had measured 8 weeks 6 days.  This, coupled with the fact that there was no heartbeat, was obvious proof that I was miscarrying.  That I had likely been miscarrying for a day or two now.  It’s crazy, but it makes sense now.

Apparently I was so torn apart by the grief that I clung to those words, 8 weeks 1 day, and that’s what I stuck with.

So what does that have anything to do with now?  Well, pretty much nothing.  It changes nothing.  Except for the fact that my baby fought longer that I thought he did to live, even though my body was betraying him and me.  It means that my big hurdle of 8w1d has now been pushed more than a week out to 9w3d.

The moral of the story?  Don’t underestimate the power of grief.  It can make you lose your mind.


6 thoughts on “Huge Mistake

  1. Grief can be a funny thing. We latch on to the dates and milestones that are presented to us at the time. All of my miscarriage milestones are based on either the day I started bleeding or the day we didn’t see a heartbeat. I tried so hard not to think about when my baby actually died. I don’t even remember what they were measuring. I just remember what they should have been measuring at the time my world caved in.

  2. It will never get easier. My milestone is 19w6d, the day my waters broke. Unfortunately, once you make it past that day, you will find a new day hat terrifies you. Instead of looking ahead, just take it day by day. Hugs

  3. I am so sorry- your post really makes my heart hurt. :(. I know it’s not much, but I have a really good feeling for you this time!! I always send an extra little prayer your way. We should trade emails or something since we are so close in gestation!!!!

    • Thank you! I have good feelings, too, and they get better with each passing week! I’m not too terribly sad anymore about my m/c….I’ve worked on acceptance of the whole ordeal. But it just blows my mind how my brain totally disregarded what I clearly knew. The mind is a mysterious thing. And I would love that! I’m so excited that we are so close!!! 😀

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