I Still Hate Pregnant People

Ok. I try not to HATE. But you know what I mean.

I still cringe when someone announces that they are pregnant on Facebook. Especially when they announce that they are 5 WEEKS pregnant on Facebook. Seriously?! You’re going to take that chance? Oh, that’s right. Not everyone has stupid lazy ovaries and a history of pregnancy loss. Not everyone feels the need to proceed with caution as I did. Oh, to be blissfully ignorant.

With all that being said, I think what I feel the most is jealousy.

As miserable as I was through most of it, I really miss being pregnant.  I love that my sweet baby boy is finally here safe and sound, but there is just something about being pregnant that is just magical. Maybe because I wasn’t sure if I ever would be.

But it did happen for me. After 3 long years, I had a surprisingly uneventful pregnancy (except for some blood pressure issues at the end, but even that wasn’t too bad). So why do I still roll my eyes or look on enviously at every pregnant woman I see?

Because PREGNANCY is the white rabbit. Not actually giving birth, not taking my precious baby home, although those things are priceless to me. But pregnancy is what eluded me for so long. Pregnancy is what my focus was on every single day for 3 years. Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. I would worry about the rest when and if the time came. Until then, I was forever chasing that white rabbit.

But you know what? I caught him.

I finally got my happy ending. I got my BFP. I carried my baby to term (and one day past!). I delivered him safely and soundly, even if it was a scary situation for a while. I brought him home and we started our life together. I’ve got everything I’ve always wanted and I couldn’t be happier!! And even if I’m never able to have another child, I’ve got my little miracle boy and that’s all I’ll ever need.

I have no right to still feel the way I do about pregnant women. No right at all. But I do. I do still feel that way, and I may feel that way forever. I may be 75 years old and see a glowing round belly walk past me and still feel an ache in my heart. It may be a hurt that never goes away.

So for now I’ll continue to shake my head and roll my eyes at the never ending pregnancy announcements on Facebook.

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My First Period

Postpartum that is.

But seriously guys, I started my period on Wednesday.  All by myself.  No medication required.  No birth control,  no Provera, just my body doing it’s thing all on its own.  This is a huge deal to me!!!

I’m not sure if it counts since I just gave birth 10 weeks ago, but I’m choosing to celebrate anyway 🙂 (who in their right mind is excited to see AF??!) For someone with PCOS this is almost a miracle in and of itself!

Before I started TTC I hadn’t had a period on over 2 years. Since TTC I’ve only had one due to the meds I was on. That makes this my first real period in over 5 years.

I’m excited to see what my body does from here on out.  Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I were to have regular cycles and begin ovulating on my own?? Not that I’m ready to TTC again nor am I holding my breath, but its just exciting to think about! (I just realized ho we incredibly sad this post is lol)

So that’s my news. Just wanted to share with all my other infertility pals. 🙂

Working Momma

So this week was my first week back to work, and boy was it hard!!!

My first day back was ok. I teared up a lot on the drive to work but managed to hold it together. I will venture to say it was even nice to have a reason to get up and get dressed, fix my hair and makeup, socialize with people outside of my household. It was definitely weird being back. After 14 weeks, part of me felt like I never left and part of me felt like they never missed me, although several people told me otherwise.

At lunchtime I called Hubby to see how he and M were doing. They had had a rough night the night before and hubs was a little tired. He also told me after getting home that night that M had a fit of epic proportions that afternoon for no apparent reason and nothing would console him, not even a bottle. I’m choosing to believe that he simply missed his mommy and wanted to know where she was all damn day long.

The hard part came when I got home. I just wanted to hold him and not put him down. But by the time I get home at night, we have approximately 3 hours until M’s bedtime. And in that amount of time we have to get dinner ready, eat, get M ready for his bedtime routine, get my shower and my work things together for the next day… There’s just not enough time. No time to play and smile and giggle. It just broke my heart.

My second day was harder than the first. I had a meeting at lunch so I didn’t get to call and check in on the boys. I was being prepped for a new position that I was being put in at work. It was a position that I have wanted for a very long time, and am pretty sure when it came open last year the only reason it wasn’t given to me (as promised a few months before) was because I was pregnant. They would never admit it, of course, but I’m pretty positive that’s the reasoning. Well, the surprise was on them, because the girl the DID give the job to told them she was pregnant a few weeks later! She went on maternity leave the same time as me and decided not to come back and stay home full time. (Lots of jealousy here.)

So this week I’ve been in my new office learning about my new job. It’s something I already know how to do, because I filled in previously for a different girl while she was on maternity leave as well (did I mention how many people got pregnant at my job while I was TTC?? It was horrible!). But there is a LOT more work to it than I thought, things I wasn’t expected to know or do while I was just filling in. And while its something I can definitely do and be good at and enjoy, its just hard to concentrate on everything when you wish you were home snuggling your baby.

Not to mention, I’m only working 4 days a week now instead of 5. And this job definitely takes 5 days a week to get done every week. So that worried me.

I came home from my second day of work and held my baby and just cried. My husband looked worn out. He was having a rough time being home full time with M. He had one more night and day with him by himself and then he had to go back to work on Thursday working 12 hour shifts. He was exhausted. And he said something to me that I never thought I’d hear my husband say.

He suggested that maybe I should only work part time. No more than 3 days a week. This would mean giving up my insurance and benefits (which my job pays 100% of) and being added onto Hubby’s insurance which would cost us more money. When we got pregnant and I brought up me possibly only working 4 days a week he was totally against that even, saying that we couldn’t afford it. Once the baby was here he came around because it meant we didn’t have to pay for child care and only had one day a week to worry about a sitter. When it was closer to time to go back to work, I begged to stay home (which I really don’t thing we can afford) or work part time, and again he said we couldn’t afford it. But that was before he had to spend 3 days and nights taking care of M all by himself so that I could sleep and go to work.

Now he thinks me being home more is a WONDERFUL idea! 🙂

He admitted that he wasn’t sure he could do it every single week and I don’t blame him. He’s not a mommy. And M is a lot of hard work. And taking care of him for 3 days straight and then going to work 12 hour days for 4 days straight would get old very quickly. I don’t think he would be a very good daddy or husband after a while.

So he suggested I talk to work about cutting back to 3 days a week. It would be tight, but we budgeted and as long as we stay on top of things, we’ll be just fine.

PLUS, my daddy stopped by this week, knowing I want to stay home more and wanting to help however he could. So he offered to pay off my student loans, which is one of my big debts. There were a lot of tears on both parts. He said it was something he couldn’t do while I was in school but he’s in a position to do now and he wanted to pay for my school.

Things just seemed to fall together.

Long story short, I’d have to give up the position I just got (because there is NO way I could do the job part time. NO. WAY.) and go back to the floor, which I don’t love. But, I would get another extra day home with my baby. And in the long run that just seems more important to me.

So now I am officially a working momma who only work PART TIME. 😀

Starting Monday I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I’ve given up my benefits and the job position I’ve wanted for a couple of years. But now I get to be home more with my baby who grows every day. My husband and I get a day where we’re actually off work together and can spend that time as a family.

I still wish I could stay home full time, but I’ve accepted that will never happen. So I’m going to gloat and enjoy the fact that 3 days a week isn’t so much, and that I’ll be home the majority of every week with my baby. 🙂

Here’s a pic of my little monkey butt from our day home together on Thursday of this week. Can’t wait for more days together with this sweet guy!!!

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2 Month Checkup

M had his 2 month checkup yesterday and he is a growing boy!

He weighed in at 12lbs 2oz and was 22 and 3/4 inches long. 60th percentile for weight and 40th percentile for height.  Pretty close to average and pretty close to perfect! 😉

He got his first set of shots and I’m not sure who hated it more, me or him. There was a lot of screaming and I’m pretty sure those were his first official real tears that welled up in his eyes. It was so sad! We gave him tylenol when we got home and he never ran fever. He was a little fussy and wanted to snuggle with mommy so that’s what we did the rest of the day. He slept a little more than usual But that was to be expected. He woke up this morning all smiles and in a great mood 🙂

Waiting on our shots :(

Waiting on our shots 😦

Just another neat thing I wanted to share… My aunt stayed with M for a few hours today while Hubby and I went out for lunch and grocery shopping for the week (had to load up since we are both back to work next week). I called her while we were at Walmart to check in and she answered the phone on speaker. She said as soon as M heard my voice he would just smile and coo and laugh! Everytime I talked he grinned a little more she said. How awesome is that??! Made my heart swell to know my baby loves his mommy! 🙂

Now to enjoy my last couple days of maternity leave before I become a working mom on Monday.  😦

Baby Nugget – 2 Months!

My sweet baby, Mason, you are TWO MONTHS OLD!

Someone wouldn't look at the camera during our photo shoot!

Someone wouldn’t look at the camera during our photo shoot!

We’ve had such a fun month together! We took you to the park twice when we were blessed with warmer weather (we’re under a winter storm warning AGAIN today!) and even though you slept through most of it, I think you had fun! You’ve had lots of visitors from all the people who love you. You moved up a size in your bottles, your clothes, and your carseat straps! My sweet boy, you are growing right before my very eyes.

Fun at the park!

Fun at the park!

What are your stats and what does the doctor say?

We go for your 2 month checkup with Dr. Chris on Thursday, so for now you are roughly 11.5ish or more pounds (according to the bathroom scale).  I’m guessing you are 22-23 inches long….you seem to be a tall boy! You outgrew all your newborn clothes in length before anything else!

What are you eating?

You are still eating Enfamil Newborn and up until yesterday you were eating 4.5oz every 3-4 hours.  Yesterday we decided you were still a little fussy after your bottle so we upped it 5oz every 3-4 hours! You are a hungry boy and love to eat!

When do you eat and sleep?

Like I said before, you eat about every 3-4 hours day and night.  You take several naps during the day but they seem to be getting shorter, like little cat naps instead of longer ones.  You’re starting to stay awake more during the day! We are trying to get a bedtime routine in place.  At around your 9:00pm feeding, we start to get you ready for bed.  Mommy feeds you your 5oz bottle while daddy runs a warm bath for you.  After you’ve eaten we put you in the bath for a while and you really enjoy the warm water…you seem to try to sink down further into the water and mommy has to hold you up so you don’t get water in your ears! You usually start to yawn in the bath, and that’s mommy’s cue to get you out.  After drying off and getting a nice clean diaper on, mommy rubs you down with lavender bedtime lotion. Sometimes you like this, sometimes you don’t.  If you’re REALLY tired you get a little cranky and just want to go to bed. After your lotion I get you dressed in a long sleeve onesie and a warm pair of socks then wrap you up in your nice warm Sleep Sack.  Once you’re swaddled in your sleep sack you get one more ounce of formula.  You’re pretty much dozing by then, so daddy rocks you a little to make sure you’re good and asleep then puts you down in the Rock n Play on mommy’s side of the bed.  You usually sleep until 1:30ish, depending on what time you began eating last (usually about 4-4.5 hours from the time you started your last bottle).  You get another 5oz bottle and diaper change if needed, then you go back to bed — now WHERE you go back to bed is the question!  We had trouble getting you to sleep in your bassinet in the beginning, so we bought the Rock n Play and you loved it!  Here lately you don’t seem to like to go back into the Rock n Play after your first middle of the night feeding. You’ll sleep maybe 30-45 minutes and then get restless and grunt and grown until you finally start whining. Once we pick you up to hold you you’re right back to sleep, so you usually spend your middle stretch in bed with mommy or in the recliner with daddy. Not ideal, but we’re trying to figure out a better plan.  You might start sleeping in your crib sooner than we thought! (First we have to move it into our bedroom!) You’ll usually wake up around 4:30-5:00 again for another bottle and at that time you usually go back into the Rock n Play pretty easily where you’ll sleep until 7:30-8:00 and then we’re up to start our day!

What do your routines look like?

Your routines are still pretty much based on eating and sleeping.  Like I said before you eat about every 3-4 hours. After you eat we play for a little while…daddy likes to tickle under your chin and make you laugh. Mommy bicycles your legs and sings our bicycle song to you. We try to fit in some tummy time too but you don’t like it too much. Sometimes we let you lay in your crib and watch your mobile go round, you seem to really love this and kick and giggle the whole time! Sometimes you’re content to sit in your bouncy chair,  you seem to really like sitting up and seeing what’s going on. You usually sit happily in it while daddy and I eat dinner. About an hour to an hour and a half after you eat you start to get a little sleepy and fussy. We swaddle you up and rock a little then put you down in your Rock n Play in your room for a nap. Depending on how long you nap, you either wake up ready to play or wake up hungry. This routine continues throughout the day until we start your bedtime routine that I went over earlier.

What size clothes and diapers are you wearing?

You are a growing boy! You are wearing mostly 0-3 months clothes and some 3 months clothes. You are still in size 1 diapers,  but we will probably buy size 2 the next time we buy diapers. We get the big box off Amazon and I’m afraid you wouldn’t make it through another big box of 1’s 🙂

What are some things you love?

You love to EAT! Haha. You love warm bathes,  you just look up at me and grin the whole time! You love when daddy tickles you. You love your mobile in your crib. You LOVE your bouncy chair and you love shaking your toy keys!

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What are some things you don’t love?

You still don’t like waiting for your bottle….Sometimes that warmer is just not fast enough! You don’t like sitting in your carseat unless it is moving. You really do not like tummy time!

What can you do?

You’re still holding your head up like a big boy! Getting less wobbly everyday! You smile a lot on purpose and you even laugh and giggle too! You coo and “talk” and make new sounds everday. You’ve found your hands and you love sucking on them!

Who has visited and watched you?

You’ve had plenty of visitors from family…Sometimes mommy gets tired of everyone dropping by! Your grandma (on dad’s side) stayed with you a couple hours one day while mommy and daddy went shopping.  Aunt S and Uncle C stayed with you one day while mommy and daddy went out to eat and run errands. These were trial runs too because Aunt S and grandma will be taking turns keeping you on Fridays along with your nana (mommy’s mom).

What are some of your nicknames?

We call you “Guy” a lot (like ‘Hey Guy, what’s wrong?’). Mommy calls you Piglet while you eat because you’re so eager and a little messy!

What are we looking forward to in the next month?

Before you turn 3 months you will have your first set of shots (Thursday!) Yuck! You will stay with your sitters for the first time when mommy goes back to work. You will work on tummy time some more and really get those neck and arm muscles beefed up 🙂 You will celebrate your first St. Patty’s Day but sorry Guy, no pub crawl for you! 😉