So this week was my first week back to work, and boy was it hard!!!
My first day back was ok. I teared up a lot on the drive to work but managed to hold it together. I will venture to say it was even nice to have a reason to get up and get dressed, fix my hair and makeup, socialize with people outside of my household. It was definitely weird being back. After 14 weeks, part of me felt like I never left and part of me felt like they never missed me, although several people told me otherwise.
At lunchtime I called Hubby to see how he and M were doing. They had had a rough night the night before and hubs was a little tired. He also told me after getting home that night that M had a fit of epic proportions that afternoon for no apparent reason and nothing would console him, not even a bottle. I’m choosing to believe that he simply missed his mommy and wanted to know where she was all damn day long.
The hard part came when I got home. I just wanted to hold him and not put him down. But by the time I get home at night, we have approximately 3 hours until M’s bedtime. And in that amount of time we have to get dinner ready, eat, get M ready for his bedtime routine, get my shower and my work things together for the next day… There’s just not enough time. No time to play and smile and giggle. It just broke my heart.
My second day was harder than the first. I had a meeting at lunch so I didn’t get to call and check in on the boys. I was being prepped for a new position that I was being put in at work. It was a position that I have wanted for a very long time, and am pretty sure when it came open last year the only reason it wasn’t given to me (as promised a few months before) was because I was pregnant. They would never admit it, of course, but I’m pretty positive that’s the reasoning. Well, the surprise was on them, because the girl the DID give the job to told them she was pregnant a few weeks later! She went on maternity leave the same time as me and decided not to come back and stay home full time. (Lots of jealousy here.)
So this week I’ve been in my new office learning about my new job. It’s something I already know how to do, because I filled in previously for a different girl while she was on maternity leave as well (did I mention how many people got pregnant at my job while I was TTC?? It was horrible!). But there is a LOT more work to it than I thought, things I wasn’t expected to know or do while I was just filling in. And while its something I can definitely do and be good at and enjoy, its just hard to concentrate on everything when you wish you were home snuggling your baby.
Not to mention, I’m only working 4 days a week now instead of 5. And this job definitely takes 5 days a week to get done every week. So that worried me.
I came home from my second day of work and held my baby and just cried. My husband looked worn out. He was having a rough time being home full time with M. He had one more night and day with him by himself and then he had to go back to work on Thursday working 12 hour shifts. He was exhausted. And he said something to me that I never thought I’d hear my husband say.
He suggested that maybe I should only work part time. No more than 3 days a week. This would mean giving up my insurance and benefits (which my job pays 100% of) and being added onto Hubby’s insurance which would cost us more money. When we got pregnant and I brought up me possibly only working 4 days a week he was totally against that even, saying that we couldn’t afford it. Once the baby was here he came around because it meant we didn’t have to pay for child care and only had one day a week to worry about a sitter. When it was closer to time to go back to work, I begged to stay home (which I really don’t thing we can afford) or work part time, and again he said we couldn’t afford it. But that was before he had to spend 3 days and nights taking care of M all by himself so that I could sleep and go to work.
Now he thinks me being home more is a WONDERFUL idea! 🙂
He admitted that he wasn’t sure he could do it every single week and I don’t blame him. He’s not a mommy. And M is a lot of hard work. And taking care of him for 3 days straight and then going to work 12 hour days for 4 days straight would get old very quickly. I don’t think he would be a very good daddy or husband after a while.
So he suggested I talk to work about cutting back to 3 days a week. It would be tight, but we budgeted and as long as we stay on top of things, we’ll be just fine.
PLUS, my daddy stopped by this week, knowing I want to stay home more and wanting to help however he could. So he offered to pay off my student loans, which is one of my big debts. There were a lot of tears on both parts. He said it was something he couldn’t do while I was in school but he’s in a position to do now and he wanted to pay for my school.
Things just seemed to fall together.
Long story short, I’d have to give up the position I just got (because there is NO way I could do the job part time. NO. WAY.) and go back to the floor, which I don’t love. But, I would get another extra day home with my baby. And in the long run that just seems more important to me.
So now I am officially a working momma who only work PART TIME. 😀
Starting Monday I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I’ve given up my benefits and the job position I’ve wanted for a couple of years. But now I get to be home more with my baby who grows every day. My husband and I get a day where we’re actually off work together and can spend that time as a family.
I still wish I could stay home full time, but I’ve accepted that will never happen. So I’m going to gloat and enjoy the fact that 3 days a week isn’t so much, and that I’ll be home the majority of every week with my baby. 🙂
Here’s a pic of my little monkey butt from our day home together on Thursday of this week. Can’t wait for more days together with this sweet guy!!!