Big. Fat. Negative.

Well, I took the plunge and tested yesterday evening. I stopped by the dollar store and bought 2 cheapy tests for $1 a piece. I couldn’t bring myself to spend the cash on an FRER when I knew I was probably setting myself up for disappointment.

I’m kinda sad, I’ll admit. I was looking forward to giving the news to my husband. To happily answering “Nope!” to our friends and family when they asked if we had to use fertility treatments again. And honestly, I was just excited about the possibility of another baby. I’ve been on the fence for a while, but this just set it in stone. My family is not complete yet. I’m ready to add to it.

I’m back in that place again. I know it could take over my every thought easily if I let it. But I can’t this time. I’m a mother and my son is my world. It will be very different the next time around.

So now I wait. Me and my glass filled boobies ¬†(ha) will wait. For what? I don’t know. Maybe AF is coming. Maybe that’s why my boobies hurt. And let’s be honest, if that were the case that’s still a win for a girl with pcos who never has a cycle.

There’s still that nagging voice in the back of my head saying..what if it’s just early? You don’t even know when your period is due. Maybe that cheap dollar store test couldn’t pick up the hcg. You didn’t use first morning urine, and EVERYONE knows you’re supposed to use first morning urine! And your boobies do hurt… and you felt a little queasy yesterday and seemed a little sensitive to smells when your co worker sprayed that Meadows and rain febreeze. Don’t count your uterus out yet! You do still have one cheap dollar store test left….

Another problem with being an infertile…. you can pretty much talk yourself into having symptoms! I know I’ve done it MANY TIMES before. So I may be doing it now. I’m pretty good at it.

For now, I’m believing the negative test. And for now, I’ll wait. Wait for AF. Wait for my “symptoms” to go away. Wait to take that last dollar store test.

And maybe wait until this summer to start trying to have another baby. ūüėä

So, I might be pregnant? But probably not.

Let me explain.

I know, I know, I drop off the blogging planet with only a check in here and there, only to return with a bombshell like this??! What is wrong with me?!

Let me just start with the obvious question: I don’t actually know if I’m pregnant or not. I haven’t peed on a stick in 3 years. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. If I suspect, I¬†should just do it, right? But¬†here’s the thing. When you are an infertile, that dreaded stick and it’s looming will they won’t they pink lines can mean utter devastation. I’m having a lot of¬†feeling stirred up that I haven’t felt since probably this time 3 years ago, when I was on my final cycle that would find me pregnant with my precious baby boy. I don’t like these feelings. Anxiety, dread, excitement, hope. I want to go back and live in my happy little bubble with my crazy, energetic toddler, and¬†make my mind again forget about things like hpt’s, opk’s, ttc, ewcm, af, bfp, bfn, tww, clomid, progesterone, hcg, letrozole, follistim, lovenox, etc, etc, etc, etc. I was happy in that bubble. Until this week.

Monday was a weird day. I woke up STARVING. Like, so hungry that I was beginning to feel sick. So I stopped by Starbucks on my way to work and got an iced vanilla chai latte and a slice of banana bread. By the time I got to work I was feeling pretty yucky and could only nibble on the bread. Ok, that doesn’t mean anything. But then, my breasts started to feel very tender. Huh. Strange.

Since having M, I haven’t gone on any kind of birth control. I have a prescription for¬†Provera so that if I go too long without a period, I can take it and make myself have one. I have 4 refills on it, as my doctor wants me to have at last 4 periods a year. I’ve only used it once. Back in February, I was thinking I should get it filled since¬†it had¬†been about 4 or 5 months since my¬†last (provera induced) period. But, much to my surprise, I started my¬†period on my own! That was fine and all.¬†But I didn’t expect it to happen again. But low and behold, March rolled around and I started my period AGAIN, and again, on my own – no meds! Pretty crazy for a gal with PCOS.

Now, I still chalked these up to flukes and didn’t really keep track of them. My March cycle started out light and brown (sorry, TMI) but I didn’t worry because it had been away since I’d had a normal cycle every month, so it would be¬†normal for there to be old blood. I’m not really sure when I started normal flow. And I didn’t expect anything out of it, or to get lucky enough to have a cycle in April as well.

Well, cut back to this week. Yucky feeling, very sore, tender boobies. Literally, it feels like razor blades are shredding my nipples when my tee shirt rubs against them. So my first though is…is this what PMS feels like? Is it time to start my period again? I’m not really sure because I’ve NEVER had a normal cycle…even as a teenager. So it maybe my body just gearing up for AF. Who knows. But I didn’t even keep track of the last two periods, so I’m not sure if I’m a week away from time or two weeks or what! I’m guessing I’m close to time to start if I was a normal woman with 28 day cycles. But I’m not, so again, who knows.

And here’s the thing that¬† gets me. The boobies, man. My nipples have NEVER been this sore unless I was on fertility medication or pregnant. Well, I’m not on any medication, ladies. And I’m not saying that means anything, but….what if it means something?! Between the nipples, and the yucky feeling (that’s not necessarily nausea but still a “blech” feeling) I can’t help but have this thought in the back of mind that….maybe I am?

I mean, it would be amazing if I was. I’ve always dreamed of getting pregnant on my own. Of it being a total surprise and surprising my husband that we did it naturally and he didn’t have to make a “deposit” into a specimen cup this time. We made the decision to not sue birth control, and for two years we haven’t actively tried, but we haven’t kept it from happening either. I mean, the odds are not in my favor to get pregnant that easily, so we have thrown caution to wind, if you will.

I’m not sure we were quite ready to start trying again. We had originally thought we would try when M was 18 months old, but I just wasn’t ready at that time, physically or mentally. The whole thought of trying to conceive again just really exhausts me. So now M is two years old, and we are just now dipping our toes into the water on the idea of trying later this year.

We didn’t want to try this spring, because M was conceived in April and born January 2nd, a week after Christmas, making that time of year extra stressful. We wanted to try to avoid adding another holiday birthday to the mix. So if I WAS, it would be absolutely hilarious since we specifically didn’t want to get pregnant right now.

It would be hilarious, but I would be SO HAPPY! A baby is blessing, especially to a family like ours who has struggled so much. I’ve really missed being pregnant, and while the idea of being pregnant with¬†a toddler to chase around is exhausting, I know momma’s do it all the time. The idea of M being a big brother just almost makes my heart explode, because I know he will be amazing at it. The very notion that we could add a fourth to our family just absolutely overflows my soul with joy!

So here I am, with my sore boobies and my yucky stomach, retreating back to the archives of this blog (to almost this exact date 3 years ago) hoping to find some answers…were my boobies this sore then? Was I nauseous then? Are there other signs that I wrote down?

Honestly, there aren’t any answers there for me. Although it was nice to look back on. The only answer to my question lies on that dreaded stick. The one I have yet to pee on. And I’m not sure what I’m waiting on. I think I’m just scared. I’ve almost convinced myself that the impossible has happened, and if I pee on that stick and only see one line, I know what devastation is to come. Sure, this wouldn’t come after 2 and a half years of ttc, and this wouldn’t come after my first cycle after a miscarriage, but I remember those feelings all too well, and I’m afraid I will never NOT be able to react or feel that way about a BFN.

So here I am, just waiting. For what? I’m not sure. I have no idea when my period would be “due” anyway. So its not like I can wait until I’m late. Hell, I could already be late for all I know, and that doesn’t necessarily mean anything either.

I’m sure I’ll pee on that stick soon. Just to make sure. I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m probably setting myself up for. But at some point I’m going to have to do it.

I’ll keep you guys updated!


I Still Hate Pregnant People

Ok. I try not to HATE. But you know what I mean.

I still cringe when someone announces that they are pregnant on Facebook. Especially when they announce that they are 5 WEEKS pregnant on Facebook. Seriously?! You’re going to take that chance? Oh, that’s right. Not everyone has¬†stupid lazy¬†ovaries and a history of pregnancy loss. Not everyone feels the need to proceed with caution as I did. Oh, to be blissfully ignorant.

With all that being said, I think what I feel the most is jealousy.

As miserable as I was through most of it, I really miss being pregnant.¬† I love that my sweet baby boy is finally here safe and sound, but there is just something about being pregnant that is just magical. Maybe because I wasn’t sure if I ever would be.

But it did happen for me. After 3 long years, I had a surprisingly uneventful pregnancy (except for some blood pressure issues at the end, but even that wasn’t too bad). So why do I still roll my eyes or look on enviously at every pregnant woman I see?

Because PREGNANCY is the white rabbit. Not actually giving birth, not taking my precious baby home, although those things are priceless to me. But pregnancy is what eluded me for so long. Pregnancy is what my focus was on every single day for 3 years. Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. I would worry about the rest when and if the time came. Until then, I was forever chasing that white rabbit.

But you know what? I caught him.

I finally got my happy ending. I got my BFP. I carried my baby to term (and one day past!). I delivered him safely and soundly, even if it was a scary situation for a while. I brought him home and we started our life together. I’ve got everything I’ve always wanted and I couldn’t be happier!! And even if I’m never able to have another child, I’ve got my little miracle boy and that’s all I’ll ever need.

I have no right to still feel the way I do about pregnant women. No right at all. But I do. I do still feel that way, and I may feel that way forever. I may be 75 years old and see a glowing round belly walk past me and still feel an ache in my heart. It may be a hurt that never goes away.

So for now I’ll continue to shake my head and roll my eyes at the never ending pregnancy announcements on Facebook.

Funny thing…

So my last post I talked about getting back on birth control,  or actually NOT getting back on birth control, and how whatevers meant to be will be.

Well, I still feel that way, but funny thing…

I was on Facebook tonight,  and a girl that was pregnant the same time as me and had her baby a month before me announced that she was already pregnant again. Unplanned. Surprise!

I just hope this isn’t some sort of sign! HA!

Birth Story

After my appointment Monday Dr. L scheduled us to go to L&D Wednesday night at 9pm to be induced.  I was nervous about induction but Dr. L felt it was best for me and the baby due to the high blood pressure.  He did not feel comfortable waiting another week.

So Wednesday Hubby and I tried to have a relaxing day at home but it was almost impossible for all the phone calls, texts, and drop in visitors.¬† I get that everyone was excited, but they all had questions that I did not have answers to.¬† I was a little annoyed and hubby kept telling me to chill out and be thankful for so many people who cared.¬† Which I was and am thankful for.¬† But at the time I was also scared and the constant questioning wasn’t helping.

At around 8:15pm or so hubby and I were ready to head to the hospital.  We packed up the car and I almost broke down and cried before we left.  I pushed back tears the whole way there.  Part of it was that I was so happy and excited to finally have this baby.  Part of it was that I was terrified.

We arrived at the hospital at around 8:45.¬† We got to L&D and checked in at the front desk.¬† I signed a little paperwork and got my hospital bracelet.¬† Then they took me back to my room.¬† I was given a gown and a cup and told to change and collect a urine sample.¬† After that I crawled into the bed that would later become my worst nightmare.¬† My nurse came in to start my IV and get everything hooked up.¬† Her name was Sophie and she was very sweet, very nice, and very helpful.¬† She answered all of our questions, and we had a lot.¬† We weren’t exactly sure how things were going to go down and she explained everything to us.¬† My only complaint was that Sophie needed to CUT HER FINGERNAILS.¬† Because next was my cervix check.¬† And ohmygosh holyhell I could’ve sworn Freddy Kruger was checking it for me!¬† Ouch!

When she was finally done, she came to the conclusion that I was still not dilated at all.¬† So now she was going to administer the Cytotec to get my cervix to “ripen” and thin.¬† This is done by inserting a tiny little pill inside (or behind she said?) the cervix.¬† Here comes Freddy Kruger again!

Once that nightmare was over, all there was to do was wait.  Sophie said she would check on me in 2 hours.  Hubby got settled onto the couch and watched a little bit of a football game.  I laid restlessly in that bed, trying not to move too much since when I moved, Mason moved and then we had to find him again with the monitor.  Within 30 minutes I started having contractions.  Not bad ones, but I actually started cramping which was more than had happened before.  This went on for a while, and the cramping got stronger, but still not horrible.  Sophie checked on me at midnight, took my temp and bp, then said she would be back at 2am to check my cervix.

At 2am I still was not dilated.¬† Sophie gave me a second dose of Cytotec.¬† My contractions continued, getting a little worse to the point were I was seriously uncomfortable.¬† I kept checking my phone to see how close together they were, because it seemed like I wasn’t getting a break.¬† They were around 1-2 minutes apart.¬† As soon as one would finish, another would start again.¬† I was hurting enough to whine a little, but not enough to be asking for an epidural just yet.

When Sophie came in again at around 4am, she asked if I was in any pain.¬† I told her yes, it wasn’t horrible yet but I was very uncomfortable.¬† She offered me some pain medicine and I accepted.¬† She came back with some Nubane.¬† It immediately made the whole room spin!¬† But it calmed me down and made me sleepy so I was able to at least catch a few Z’s while I was waiting for labor to pick up.

Within 30 minutes of getting the Nubane, Sophie was back in my room pulling my gown up and moving the baby’s monitor around.¬† I was very sleepy at this point so I just laid there and let her.¬† I’d had to lay incredibly still all night because if I moved the monitor and/or baby moved and we’d have to find him again.¬† I assumed I’d moved while I was sleeping.¬† Sophie had me turn to my other side and she looked some more.¬† Soon there was another nurse standing over me.¬† Then they were putting an oxygen mask on me and telling me to take deep breaths.¬† Finally they found Mason.

His heart rate had dropped way WAY low and they had a hard time finding it and distinguishing it from mine.¬† Eventually it came back up, but not as fast as they wanted.¬† They called Dr. L and he said to monitor me closely and call him if it happened again.¬† I asked if the pain medication had anything to do with it.¬† They assured me that it didn’t.¬† They use it everyday, and while it should make baby sleepy, it should NOT make his heart rate drop that low and not come back up.¬† This was caused by something else.

The nurses finally left my room, assuring me they would be monitoring me closely from the nurses station. I stayed as still as possible so that I wouldn’t lose Mason on the monitor. I was seriously hurting and uncomfortable from staying in one position so long and from the contractions, which were so close together they were practically one long contraction.¬† The pain medication was helping, but now that I was alert I was more aware of them.

I had almost dozed off again when the nurses burst into my room again.¬† Roll this way.¬† Roll that way.¬† Move the monitor around.¬† Put the oxygen mask on again.¬† Take deep breaths.¬† Mason’s heart rate dropped again.¬† Another call to Dr. L.¬† The original plan was to start Pitocin at 6am and Dr. L would be in between 7 and 8am to break my water and really get things going.¬† Change of plans.¬† Dr. L ordered a medication to stop labor completely.¬† Sophie gave me a shot in the arm and told me my contractions should stop. Dr. L would be here later to discuss our options.

Apparently the Cytotec can hyperstimulate your uterus.¬† At this point we believe that’s what was happening.¬† I was barely dilated to 1 by the end of all this and I had been having contraction for a good 7 hours or so.¬† There was no break in contractions so Mason was having a hard time recovering from them, especially since we were no where near delivery.¬† Dr. L also believes my placenta was compromised from the high blood pressure, which contributed to the problems as well.

Not long after giving me the shot that was supposed to stop labor, Sophie burst into my room yet again.  She threw a bunny suit at my husband (who, bless his heart had been pacing the floors this whole time feeling very scared and helpless) and told him to get dressed, we were going to C-section NOW.  I told hubby to text our parents and let them know the baby was coming.

Apparently the shot did not stop my contractions, and Mason’s heart rate was continuing to drop and not come up.¬† Dr. L made the call to go straight to C-section.¬† Sophie came into get us at around 6:30.¬† We had a baby at 7:04.

Thank goodness it was so fast, because I barely had time to think about it.¬† By this time I was terrified something bad would happen to my baby boy.¬† I was shaking uncontrollably from nerves and fear.¬† I was scared of the spinal block and I hated the feeling of being completely paralyzed from the waist down.¬† The CRNA that did the spinal was so sweet and she talked me through the whole thing.¬† Hubby sat right by me and rubbed my head the whole time.¬† I’m pretty sure he was more scared than I was.

Dr, L never broke a sweat.  He was laid back and calm the whole time, which is one of the things I like so much about him.  He finally pulled our baby boy out and they dropped the curtain so I could look over and see him.  A few moments later I heard him cry and  I kissed my husband, thankful that we were all ok at that point.

They brought him over to me and I kissed his little cheek.  I only got about 20 seconds with him before they had to take him to the nursery.  Hubby got to carry him and stay with him, and I gave him instructions to take good care of him.  While I was being sewn up, the CRNA kept me company and told me how beautiful he was.  When he was done, Dr. L commended me on a job well done, and I thanked him a million times for taking care of us and not hesitating to do what needed to be done.

I spent an hour in recovery being monitored.¬† Hubby came to check on me for a minute before I sent him back to be with Mason.¬† After my hour was up I was taken back to our room, where I had to wait even longer to see my baby.¬† They had to monitor him in the nursery for 2 hours because of everything that happened.¬† Then a nurse came in saying Mason’s blood sugar was too low, and since I was going to try breastfeeding they had to do some sort of glucose something or other that would take a while, OR they could just give him a bottle.¬† I opted to give him a bottle so that I could see him sooner.¬† (I ended up not breastfeeding.)

Finally, after more than 3 hours, they brought my baby to me.¬† We had all kinds of family waiting to come in, but I told Hubby they would have to wait.¬† I still hadn’t got to hold my own baby, and I wanted time with just the three of us together.

It was pretty amazing, holding that little guy in my arms for the first time.¬† After more than 3 years, we finally had our baby.¬† ūüôā

I feel a little cheated out of the whole giving birth experience.¬† I mean, there’s a part of me (mainly my vagina) that is ok with the C-section.¬† And I know that was the safest way to get him here.¬† But don’t be fooled, it’s not all its cracked up to be.¬† Recovery is a bitch!

I’ll try to get more into that in another post.¬† For right now, this the birth story.¬† It has seriously taken me over a week to get this thing done!¬† Life with a newborn is crazy, guys!¬† So worth it, but so crazy!¬† I’ll try to update soon!

He’s here!

Mason Edward arrived Thursday, January 2nd at 7:04am weighing in at 7lbs 9oz and measuring 21in long! ¬†He arrived via emergency c-section, and things were a little scary for a while. ¬†I’ll include details when I post the birth story.

For now we just got home and are getting settled in. Hoping for a relaxing first night home because mommy is tired!


39 Weeks 6 Days

Happy New Year all!

I will be ringing in 2014 still pregnant! At my appointment Monday I was still not dilated AT ALL. Bummer. Tomorrow marks 40 weeks, and rather than waiting it out another week Dr. L wants to go ahead and induce due to the pregnancy related hypertension (which is under control but still makes him uneasy letting me go that long with it).

I’ll go into L&D tomorrow night at 9pm and get checked in. From there I’ll get cytotec I believe and sometime early Thursday morning we’ll induce with pitocin I assume, depending on how things progress. ¬†Really this is all a stab in the dark for me as I’ve never done any of this before. I’m hoping things go smoothly and quickly and my body gets in gear and does what it’s supposed to! I’m at a higher risk for c section going this route so here’s hoping that doesn’t end up being the case. We won’t know until we down to it so please be thinking of me!

Good news is baby boy seems to be fine. ¬†Dr.L asked how his movement was and I admitted I felt he had slowed down a bit but my kick counts were still good. He decided to hook me up and monitor his heart rate and movement for 20 minutes (nst I think?) Which was not fun. Baby wasn’t cooperating and when we finally got the monitor in the right place I had to lay still on my back for 20 minutes or longer….soooo uncomfortable! Good news is baby is great and healthy at this point. ¬†He’s even been moving NONSTOP all day today! He’s wiggling around as I type this. He may know its almost time!

I’ll try to put up my 40 week update tomorrow but no promises. ¬†Hubby and I plan on taking it easy all day until time to go in. I admit I’m getting really nervous but I think hubby may be more nervous than me! If you don’t hear from me, I’ll update when we get little guy home.

Happy 2014!


The (Unfinished) Nursery

So I figured I’d put up a few pictures of the nursery, even though it’s nowhere near finished yet.¬† For the most part we’ve got most of what we need already, I just really slacked off and didn’t get any of the decorating done that I wanted.¬† There’s pretty much NOTHING on the walls yet.¬† And I don’t expect it to¬†get done before he’s here, so it is what it is right now!¬† I don’t think he’s going to mind one bit either way. ūüėČ


nursery 20131227_142344 20131227_142317 20131227_142302 20131227_142240

So that’s it!¬† I had a vision in my head of what I wanted to do very early on.¬† I just haven’t gotten around to finishing that vision lol.¬† I’m happy with my color scheme though and I plan to put his name above his crib once he’s here (still between Mason and Chace…we’ll know once we meet him!).

Another thing I wanted to show off is the high chair that my uncle made for the baby!  He gave it to us on Christmas and I am in love with it!  Not only is it one of a kind, but it is adorable and will be able to be passed down and used for many years.  I love special gifts like this so much!


39 Weeks 2 Days

And still no baby!¬† I’m pretty sure he has no plans of leaving anytime soon.¬† Stubborn little guy.

I have been CRAZY miserable this last week.¬† I’m so uncomfortable and I can’t sleep at night at all anymore.¬† My entire pelvic region hurts like crazy.¬† I don’t know how I can’t be dilated already.¬† There is so much pressure and achiness down there when I stand up I can barely walk sometimes.¬† It literally feels like my vagina is breaking in half.¬† Sorry for the TMI, but that’s the only way I know how to describe it.¬† I also just got over a sinus infection, which made me feel like death.¬† Dr. L sent me in a zpak and I finally started to feel better.¬† I’m not sure there’s much worse than being pregnant and sick at the same time.

My last appointment was on Monday and I ended up seeing a different doctor than expected, but I liked him a lot so that’s ok.¬† He said my cervix was thinning (Hubby swears he said 50% but I don’t recall hearing him say that) but I was still completely closed.¬† Sealed up tight.¬† He gave me the rundown on what to watch for as far as labor goes and where to go/who to call, and told me to see Dr. L again on Monday the 30th.¬† I talked to him a little about my concerns of coming off the lovenox, and he said while there is risk to coming off, there is also risk to not coming off.¬† He said the most important thing was to monitor fetal movement and if it slows down don’t hesitate to call.¬† He told me a good rule of thumb is count kicks/rolls/movements for 1 hour after a meal (when baby should be most active) and I should count at least 5 in an hour.¬† If any less he said call and not to feel silly about it.¬† So I’ve been pretty obsessed with counting kicks, and so far so good.¬† I always count 5 within 15 minutes or so, so I take that as a good sign.¬† That doesn’t help me feel any less paranoid though.¬† And I still poke and prod on him a lot if I don’t feel him for a while.

The closer I get to labor the more nervous I get.¬† If I let myself thing about it too much I really start to freak out.¬† I’m scared, admittedly.¬† Not just of the birth itself, but of all the things that can still go wrong.¬† I know I shouldn’t think that way but it’s difficult not to.¬† I made it SO far and I can’t help but still expect something bad to happen.¬† Infertility does this to you I guess.¬† I’m trying to think positively though and not dwell.¬† I have a good doctor and I trust that I’ll have good people taking care of me.


Week 38:

Baby is about 18.9 to 20.9 inches long and weighs about 6.2 to 9.2 pounds. His head is now about the same circumference as his abdomen. He may have about an inch or so of hair already. He’s slowly shedding that white goo on his skin (called vernix caseosa) but you might see some of it at birth.

Week 39:

Baby keeps growing, despite being so crowded in there. He probably weighs around 6.2 to 9.2 pounds and measures about 18.9 to 20.9 inches. He’s probably able to flex his limbs now.¬† His brain is still rapidly developing — he’s getting smarter by the week! His nails may extend past his fingertips.

How far along? 39 weeks (and 2 days)…and still waiting!

Total weight gain: As of this morning +14lbs

Maternity clothes? Just yoga pants/pajamas/big tshirts mostly. I don’t have a reason to get up and get ready most days since I’m on bed rest. But if I do go out it’s my maternity leggings and a long tunic top.

 Stretch marks?  No new ones. But my old ones are stretching out a bit.

Sleep:¬†¬†What sleep?! Seriously. I cannot sleep at night anymore.¬†I maybe get 2-3 hours then I’m wide awake because I’m so uncomfortable.¬†I usually fall back asleep around 7am and sleep until 10 or 11. My sleep schedule is ridiculous right now.

Best moment this week: Christmas was fun, even if I was miserable and a little cranky all day.

Miss Anything? Sleeping on my stomach. Sleeping period. Being able to walk out of the room without losing my breath. SO MANY THINGS! lol..

Movement:¬†¬†Yep.¬† Sometimes I feel like it’s slowing down a bit but I’ve been keeping a close eye on him.

Food cravings:  Anything sweet. And carbs.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing in particular but I have had a couple of nausea spells the last weeks or so.

Gender prediction: Sweet baby boy!

Labor Signs:  Contractions. Pelvic pressure/pain. Diarrhea (still).

Symptoms: Have I mentioned hemorrhoids yet?  Yeah, those are a blast.  Frequent urination.  Sciatic nerve pain. Heartburn and indigestion.  Shortness of breath.  Braxton Hicks/actual contractions.

Belly Button in or out?  In, but it looks weird.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit when I first put them on. After a few hours they get tight.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy!  And tired.  And anxious.

Looking forward to:  Meeting this little guy!

Next appointment: Monday December 30th.


Raising a Boy

Since I found out I was pregnant and decided to share it with others, the first thing people asked was whether it was a girl or boy, or which I wanted, a girl or a boy.¬† I always answered that I didn’t care what it was, as long as he or she was healthy.¬† And I truly meant it.¬† People say it all the time, but I think most have some idea in their head of what they wish their baby will be…especially if it’s not your first.¬† But for someone like me (and many of you) who’s struggled so hard to get to this point, there’s no way I could have ever been disappointed in the sex of this baby.

With that said, I feel like most women hope to have a girl.¬† Maybe it’s because as girls ourselves, we feel like we’d be more comfortable raising a girl.¬† We’ll know what to do with a girl.¬† We know all about shoes and dresses and Barbies and hairbows.¬† It’s only natural for a girl to want another girl.¬† I’ve had people I know flat out admit that they absolutely wanted a girl.¬† I’ve seen the disappointment in people that I know when I announced I was having a boy, my own mother included.¬† A girl that I work with actually said to me that another co-worker’s baby was going to be getting all of her money because there was just too much cute stuff for girls and nothing cute for boys (this co-worker, ironically really really wanted a boy, believe it or not).¬† I’ve watched people cock their head to the side and say, “Aww,” in a sympathetic way when I tell them it’s a boy, I guess because they assume that as a woman, I wanted to have a girl.

Newsflash.  As a woman, I wanted to have a baby.

And I am SO excited to be having a son.  I am so excited to have that special bond that boys only have with their mom.  To be the most important woman in his life for the next how ever many years.

With all that being said, there are still things that make me nervous about raising a boy.¬† A friend was over the other day with her little¬†girl, who is in kindergarten.¬† Little L whispered to me that she had a secret, and then proceeded to tell me that she liked a boy in her class because “he’s handsome.”¬† My friend was shocked, since this was the first she’d heard of the handsome little boy.¬† Then Little L started talking about kissing and getting married.¬† My friend almost had a heart attack.¬† The kid is five, and it’s all innocent, but when you have an adolescence like my friend did (haha) you can’t help but worry when your daughter starts talking about crushes and boys and kissing, no matter how old she is.¬† I made a joke that she was going to have her hands full since she seems to be just like her momma.¬† My friend said how lucky I am to be having a boy.¬† And while I do think the teenage years might be a little easier with a boy, I admitted that I was still a little nervous about raising a boy.¬† “Because you don’t know what to do with a boy?”¬† is what my friend assumed, who has admitted before that she was SO glad she had a girl because she wouldn’t know what to do with a boy.¬† Here we go back to the girls feel more comfortable with girls.¬† That’s not what it is though.

I’m nervous because of the kind of man I want to raise my boy into.

For lack of a more graceful way of saying it, my exact words to my friend were, “I don’t want him to grow up to be a douchebag.”

But seriously.¬† We all know those guys.¬† Those boys we grew up with.¬† The boys who broke our hearts.¬† The boys we thought we could change.¬† I don’t want mine to be one of those.¬† And I have NO idea how to make sure he doesn’t turn into one.

I want him to be a boy, yes.  But I want him to be sweet and polite as well.

I want him to open doors for girls.  For women.  For elderly people who may need a little extra help.

I don’t want to be too strict, but I want him to be a gentleman and say “yes, ma’am” when it’s called for.

I want him to never feel like he’s better than anyone else because of the house he lives in or the clothes he wears or the car he drives.

I want him to be nice to girls.¬† All the girls.¬† Even the girls he may not find attractive.¬† I don’t want¬†him to lead anyone¬†on, but¬†I still want him to be nice to them and respect them.¬† Because all women are beautiful in their own right, and I want him to be the kind of man who recognizes that.

I know I can’t keep ugly words from ever coming out of his mouth, but I want him to be the kind of guy who takes the high road.¬† Who stands up for others who may not be able to stand up for themselves.¬† Who stands up for himself and his beliefs without hurting others.

There are so many other things that I can’t even put into words.¬† I’ve been way too weepy lately to even get through this whole post.¬† But the short and sweet of it is that raising a boy scares me to death, but not for the reasons that people might think. (I’m sure raising a girl would be just as scary for me as well, for similar reasons)

It may seem like I’m putting a lot of expectations on this little guy who’s not even here yet, but really it’s all on me.¬† It’s up to me to instill these things in him, starting right from the beginning.

I’m scared, yes.

But this is what we’ve all been waiting for, right? ūüôā