Big. Fat. Negative.

Well, I took the plunge and tested yesterday evening. I stopped by the dollar store and bought 2 cheapy tests for $1 a piece. I couldn’t bring myself to spend the cash on an FRER when I knew I was probably setting myself up for disappointment.

I’m kinda sad, I’ll admit. I was looking forward to giving the news to my husband. To happily answering “Nope!” to our friends and family when they asked if we had to use fertility treatments again. And honestly, I was just excited about the possibility of another baby. I’ve been on the fence for a while, but this just set it in stone. My family is not complete yet. I’m ready to add to it.

I’m back in that place again. I know it could take over my every thought easily if I let it. But I can’t this time. I’m a mother and my son is my world. It will be very different the next time around.

So now I wait. Me and my glass filled boobies ¬†(ha) will wait. For what? I don’t know. Maybe AF is coming. Maybe that’s why my boobies hurt. And let’s be honest, if that were the case that’s still a win for a girl with pcos who never has a cycle.

There’s still that nagging voice in the back of my head saying..what if it’s just early? You don’t even know when your period is due. Maybe that cheap dollar store test couldn’t pick up the hcg. You didn’t use first morning urine, and EVERYONE knows you’re supposed to use first morning urine! And your boobies do hurt… and you felt a little queasy yesterday and seemed a little sensitive to smells when your co worker sprayed that Meadows and rain febreeze. Don’t count your uterus out yet! You do still have one cheap dollar store test left….

Another problem with being an infertile…. you can pretty much talk yourself into having symptoms! I know I’ve done it MANY TIMES before. So I may be doing it now. I’m pretty good at it.

For now, I’m believing the negative test. And for now, I’ll wait. Wait for AF. Wait for my “symptoms” to go away. Wait to take that last dollar store test.

And maybe wait until this summer to start trying to have another baby. ūüėä

So, I might be pregnant? But probably not.

Let me explain.

I know, I know, I drop off the blogging planet with only a check in here and there, only to return with a bombshell like this??! What is wrong with me?!

Let me just start with the obvious question: I don’t actually know if I’m pregnant or not. I haven’t peed on a stick in 3 years. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. If I suspect, I¬†should just do it, right? But¬†here’s the thing. When you are an infertile, that dreaded stick and it’s looming will they won’t they pink lines can mean utter devastation. I’m having a lot of¬†feeling stirred up that I haven’t felt since probably this time 3 years ago, when I was on my final cycle that would find me pregnant with my precious baby boy. I don’t like these feelings. Anxiety, dread, excitement, hope. I want to go back and live in my happy little bubble with my crazy, energetic toddler, and¬†make my mind again forget about things like hpt’s, opk’s, ttc, ewcm, af, bfp, bfn, tww, clomid, progesterone, hcg, letrozole, follistim, lovenox, etc, etc, etc, etc. I was happy in that bubble. Until this week.

Monday was a weird day. I woke up STARVING. Like, so hungry that I was beginning to feel sick. So I stopped by Starbucks on my way to work and got an iced vanilla chai latte and a slice of banana bread. By the time I got to work I was feeling pretty yucky and could only nibble on the bread. Ok, that doesn’t mean anything. But then, my breasts started to feel very tender. Huh. Strange.

Since having M, I haven’t gone on any kind of birth control. I have a prescription for¬†Provera so that if I go too long without a period, I can take it and make myself have one. I have 4 refills on it, as my doctor wants me to have at last 4 periods a year. I’ve only used it once. Back in February, I was thinking I should get it filled since¬†it had¬†been about 4 or 5 months since my¬†last (provera induced) period. But, much to my surprise, I started my¬†period on my own! That was fine and all.¬†But I didn’t expect it to happen again. But low and behold, March rolled around and I started my period AGAIN, and again, on my own – no meds! Pretty crazy for a gal with PCOS.

Now, I still chalked these up to flukes and didn’t really keep track of them. My March cycle started out light and brown (sorry, TMI) but I didn’t worry because it had been away since I’d had a normal cycle every month, so it would be¬†normal for there to be old blood. I’m not really sure when I started normal flow. And I didn’t expect anything out of it, or to get lucky enough to have a cycle in April as well.

Well, cut back to this week. Yucky feeling, very sore, tender boobies. Literally, it feels like razor blades are shredding my nipples when my tee shirt rubs against them. So my first though is…is this what PMS feels like? Is it time to start my period again? I’m not really sure because I’ve NEVER had a normal cycle…even as a teenager. So it maybe my body just gearing up for AF. Who knows. But I didn’t even keep track of the last two periods, so I’m not sure if I’m a week away from time or two weeks or what! I’m guessing I’m close to time to start if I was a normal woman with 28 day cycles. But I’m not, so again, who knows.

And here’s the thing that¬† gets me. The boobies, man. My nipples have NEVER been this sore unless I was on fertility medication or pregnant. Well, I’m not on any medication, ladies. And I’m not saying that means anything, but….what if it means something?! Between the nipples, and the yucky feeling (that’s not necessarily nausea but still a “blech” feeling) I can’t help but have this thought in the back of mind that….maybe I am?

I mean, it would be amazing if I was. I’ve always dreamed of getting pregnant on my own. Of it being a total surprise and surprising my husband that we did it naturally and he didn’t have to make a “deposit” into a specimen cup this time. We made the decision to not sue birth control, and for two years we haven’t actively tried, but we haven’t kept it from happening either. I mean, the odds are not in my favor to get pregnant that easily, so we have thrown caution to wind, if you will.

I’m not sure we were quite ready to start trying again. We had originally thought we would try when M was 18 months old, but I just wasn’t ready at that time, physically or mentally. The whole thought of trying to conceive again just really exhausts me. So now M is two years old, and we are just now dipping our toes into the water on the idea of trying later this year.

We didn’t want to try this spring, because M was conceived in April and born January 2nd, a week after Christmas, making that time of year extra stressful. We wanted to try to avoid adding another holiday birthday to the mix. So if I WAS, it would be absolutely hilarious since we specifically didn’t want to get pregnant right now.

It would be hilarious, but I would be SO HAPPY! A baby is blessing, especially to a family like ours who has struggled so much. I’ve really missed being pregnant, and while the idea of being pregnant with¬†a toddler to chase around is exhausting, I know momma’s do it all the time. The idea of M being a big brother just almost makes my heart explode, because I know he will be amazing at it. The very notion that we could add a fourth to our family just absolutely overflows my soul with joy!

So here I am, with my sore boobies and my yucky stomach, retreating back to the archives of this blog (to almost this exact date 3 years ago) hoping to find some answers…were my boobies this sore then? Was I nauseous then? Are there other signs that I wrote down?

Honestly, there aren’t any answers there for me. Although it was nice to look back on. The only answer to my question lies on that dreaded stick. The one I have yet to pee on. And I’m not sure what I’m waiting on. I think I’m just scared. I’ve almost convinced myself that the impossible has happened, and if I pee on that stick and only see one line, I know what devastation is to come. Sure, this wouldn’t come after 2 and a half years of ttc, and this wouldn’t come after my first cycle after a miscarriage, but I remember those feelings all too well, and I’m afraid I will never NOT be able to react or feel that way about a BFN.

So here I am, just waiting. For what? I’m not sure. I have no idea when my period would be “due” anyway. So its not like I can wait until I’m late. Hell, I could already be late for all I know, and that doesn’t necessarily mean anything either.

I’m sure I’ll pee on that stick soon. Just to make sure. I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m probably setting myself up for. But at some point I’m going to have to do it.

I’ll keep you guys updated!

 

“Don’t drink the water!”

I absolutely hate that saying. Hate. It. Give me the water and I’d gladly drink it all day! Not that I necessarily want to be pregnant right now, but as an infertile I have a certain aversion to this particular little saying.

And today at work I heard it. Again.

While I was trying to conceive,  4 girls at work got pregnant and had babies.  One of those girls had TWO babies before I was pregnant with my take home baby. Two other girls were pregnant at the same time as me, one had her baby 3 days after me and the other 10 weeks after.

Yes, ¬†there are a lot of women of child bearing age at work. And many of them have been pregnant in the last 3 years. Hence the popular saying around the office, “Don’t drink the water!” (Har har har…)

What pisses me off so much is I am looped into this little joke. I’m counted as one of the many pregnant people who apparently drank the water. And I am always quick to let these people know that “the water didn’t work for me.”

No, it took a little more than that to get this momma pregnant. It took a year’s worth of clomid. A tubal pregnancy that took my unborn baby and my fallopian tube. A miscarriage that devastated my very heart and soul. It took letrozole when the clomid failed. Months of driving 2 hours away to see a specialist. Needles in my belly. Uncontrollable mood swings that caused me to dislike myself. It took a doctor and a catheter to impregnate me, instead of a beautiful night with my husband. It took more needles in my belly every day of my pregnancy to keep my baby alive. It took money. Ohmygod so much money. And tears. More tears than any one person should ever cry in a lifetime.

So don’t use me as a reason someone shouldn’t drink the water.

I hate to be Debbie Downer and ruin everyone’s joke, but I take it personally. ¬†People are too quick to forget how much I struggled. ¬†They think that just because I have my baby now that I’ve forgotten too. But my struggle is still a part of me. A big part of who I am now and what kind of mother I am and plan to be. I think it will always be a part of me in that way.

So yeah. Another girl is pregnant at work. And she wasn’t even trying. As a matter of fact she had just made an appointment to get her tubes tied because she was done having kids. Must’ve been that water she drank!

Funny thing though, aside from the don’t drink the water jokes, I wasn’t upset when she told me. For the first time in I don’t know how long I wasn’t sad to hear that someone else was pregnant. I was a little jealous, ¬†because I very much miss being pregnant. ¬†But I wasn’t sad. And that’s a big deal.

So here I go again, watching someone else walk around pregnant for 9 long months. ¬†But this time I get to go home to my baby’s sweet smiling face everyday ūüôā

 

{On a related note….I had ANOTHER period! That’s one in March and one in April! ¬†Crazy! Since I decided against birth control I told hubby we may need to be a little more careful lol!}

 

I Still Hate Pregnant People

Ok. I try not to HATE. But you know what I mean.

I still cringe when someone announces that they are pregnant on Facebook. Especially when they announce that they are 5 WEEKS pregnant on Facebook. Seriously?! You’re going to take that chance? Oh, that’s right. Not everyone has¬†stupid lazy¬†ovaries and a history of pregnancy loss. Not everyone feels the need to proceed with caution as I did. Oh, to be blissfully ignorant.

With all that being said, I think what I feel the most is jealousy.

As miserable as I was through most of it, I really miss being pregnant.¬† I love that my sweet baby boy is finally here safe and sound, but there is just something about being pregnant that is just magical. Maybe because I wasn’t sure if I ever would be.

But it did happen for me. After 3 long years, I had a surprisingly uneventful pregnancy (except for some blood pressure issues at the end, but even that wasn’t too bad). So why do I still roll my eyes or look on enviously at every pregnant woman I see?

Because PREGNANCY is the white rabbit. Not actually giving birth, not taking my precious baby home, although those things are priceless to me. But pregnancy is what eluded me for so long. Pregnancy is what my focus was on every single day for 3 years. Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. I would worry about the rest when and if the time came. Until then, I was forever chasing that white rabbit.

But you know what? I caught him.

I finally got my happy ending. I got my BFP. I carried my baby to term (and one day past!). I delivered him safely and soundly, even if it was a scary situation for a while. I brought him home and we started our life together. I’ve got everything I’ve always wanted and I couldn’t be happier!! And even if I’m never able to have another child, I’ve got my little miracle boy and that’s all I’ll ever need.

I have no right to still feel the way I do about pregnant women. No right at all. But I do. I do still feel that way, and I may feel that way forever. I may be 75 years old and see a glowing round belly walk past me and still feel an ache in my heart. It may be a hurt that never goes away.

So for now I’ll continue to shake my head and roll my eyes at the never ending pregnancy announcements on Facebook.

My First Period

Postpartum that is.

But seriously guys, I started my period on Wednesday. ¬†All by myself. ¬†No medication required. ¬†No birth control, ¬†no Provera, just my body doing it’s thing all on its own. ¬†This is a huge deal to me!!!

I’m not sure if it counts since I just gave birth 10 weeks ago, but I’m choosing to celebrate anyway ūüôā (who in their right mind is excited to see AF??!) For someone with PCOS this is almost a miracle in and of itself!

Before I started TTC I hadn’t had a period on over 2 years. Since TTC I’ve only had one due to the meds I was on. That makes this my first real period in over 5 years.

I’m excited to see what my body does from here on out. ¬†Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I were to have regular cycles and begin ovulating on my own?? Not that I’m ready to TTC again nor am I holding my breath, but its just exciting to think about! (I just realized ho we incredibly sad this post is lol)

So that’s my news. Just wanted to share with all my other infertility pals. ūüôā

Birth Control

The thought of having to worry about birth control is actually hilarious to me. Also, the thought of getting pregnant again {right now} frightens me. A lot.

That being said…

We have opted to NOT go on birth control. No pill. No mini pill. No nuva ring. Nothing.

What, are we crazy?! Maybe. Do I want to get pregnant again while caring for a newborn?  Absolutely not. But I do have my reasons.

I’ve never liked being on the pill. And I liked it even less when I found out I’d pretty much been taking it for nothing all those years. ¬†I’m not good at remembering to take my medications. I did so well while TTC and while pregnant because it wasn’t about me then. Now that Mason is here I can barely remember my prenatal vitamin every day.

Another reason is the Factor V and clotting issue. Dr. L said if I changed my mind he’d put me on a progesterone only pill for this very reason. Still not interested.

And finally, ¬†I just need a break. For 3 years I pumped myself full of medications and hormones and hormones and more hormones. It made me crazy and an absolute wreck. I don’t even remember what it was like to feel “normal”. I know you IF mommas/future mommas get this.

So I decided that’s it. I’m done putting this stuff into my body everyday. At least for a little while. I guess I just need a cleanse of some sort. I want to get back to ME. Or at least some version of the person I’m pretty sure I used to be. The emotional roller coaster of dealing with infertility and loss changed me, yes, but the constant flow of medications I was on changed me in a way I couldn’t control. It affected the way I dealt with things. The way I treated the people in my life. So yeah, I’m done with the hormones for now. And that means birth control.

I talked it over with the hubby. I don’t think we have anything to worry about as far as accidently getting pregnant. After all, it took us 3 years to get our take home baby with LOTS of medical intervention. BUT… there’s always that chance. You hear the stories. We’ve heard it a million times while TTC. My brother’s best friend’s cousin had trouble getting pregnant with their first, then they magically got pregnant with their second a week after they had the baby!¬† Or something to that extent. So I told Hubs that if he really wanted me to go back on the pill, I would. I don’t want to, and he said he was ok with that. But I was clear that he had to be ok with the very slim chance that we could “accidently” get pregnant in the next year before we’re ready. Surprisingly, he said he was ok with taking that chance.

His sentiments were kind of the same as mine. We don’t want another baby right now. It was be hard. Having just one is hard! But, if by some crazy chance we got pregnant on our own with my polycystic ovaries and my one lonely fallopian tube, who are we to be upset about that?? It would be a miracle, and we would treat it as such. I would be one crazy momma a year from now, but we would be grateful for the miracle. ūüėČ

So that’s that. We are not going back on birth control. And we are not actively trying to get pregnant. A year from now we plan to sit down and decide if we want to try for a second baby. Until then, whatever happens, happens!

Awareness

October has always been my most favorite month of the year.¬† Something magically changes when October 1st comes around.¬† The air gets cooler and crisper.¬† Leaves start changing colors.¬† It just simply smells different when you walk outside.¬† I love dressing in hoodies and sweatshirts and scarves (although I have none of those things that actually fit me right now…besides a scarf maybe haha).¬† It’s just the best time of year.

Until I had my miscarriage, I was unaware that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, with October 15th being the actual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I have personally suffered two losses.  One from an ectopic pregnancy where my baby was trapped inside my fallopian tube and had to be surgically removed before the tube ruptured and killed us both.  The second was a 1st trimester miscarriage that, for all intensive purposes, the cause is unknown, although we now have a pretty good idea of what may have caused it.  I know many of you have had similar or not so similar losses of your own through this journey of infertility.  October is our month.

We all deal with our grief in our own way.

In November of 2011, I put pen to paper and dealt with a little bit of my grief.¬† Strangely enough, this was triggered by another person’s grief, a very close friend of mine.

THIS IS YOUR WARNING.¬† If you are having a bad day or are in a bad place, you may not want to read on.¬† This post is about loss.¬† Terrible loss.¬† Turn back if you don’t think you can handle this today.

A lot of people don’t know that I¬†like to write.¬† I’m not by any means calling myself a writer.¬† But it is something I’ve always enjoyed doing.¬† I put out a LOT of poetry in my junior high years.¬† I wrote in a journal through most of high school, and I only wish I still had that thing.¬† I rocked out essays and research papers in college. ¬†I’ve even written my fair share of short stories that I’ve never let anyone read.¬† But I hadn’t written in so very long, and until I started this blog that was still true.¬† But in November of 2011, there was something I had to get out.¬† And this is how I did it.

I’m not sure if you would call this a short story or a diary entry or what.¬† I’ve taken out the names in it¬†to protect anonymity. ¬†It’s not my best work.¬† It wasn’t even really written to be shared at first.¬† There are a few things in it that might be controversial, especially on a place like a fertility blog. ¬†But I figured here was the best place to share it.¬† All I ask is you take it for what it is and try to withhold your judgment.

Her slender fingers intertwined with mine and squeezed my hand tightly, fearfully. Her pale face that I had known for the past 15 years was almost unrecognizable to me. Dark circles lined her usually bright blue eyes, which were both now lifeless and filled with sadness. Three small worry lines had formed on her forehead almost overnight, causing her to look ten years older than she actually was. 

“She looks like a porcelain doll, doesn’t she?” She looked hopefully into my eyes, which¬†were now brimming with tears.¬†

I nodded my head gently. “She’s beautiful,” I could barely get out.¬†

In that instant I¬†wondered how in the world we got here. How could this be happening to someone so close to me? I thought back to when we were kids. About all the things we had been through together. How it never crossed our minds that someday we would be grown women having to deal with things like this. And I thought about how amazing it¬†was that through all of these years, even though we didn’t see each other as much as we used to or talk every day anymore, she stilled called me and we were still standing by each other.¬†

I was the first person she called when we were 15 and she got to third base with a boy for the first time. I listened intensely over the phone as she gave me all the details, giggling and oohing and awwwing. 

I held her hand in the counselor’s office at school while she cried and admitted what an abusive drunk her father was. I never judged her when she told us that she sometimes wished he would just die.¬†

A year later I held her hand again when her father passed away. 

When the two of us had failed to get dates to our Junior prom, we simply went with each other. We got dressed up, got our hair done, we danced our asses off, and we had the time of our lives.

She was the first person I told when I lost my virginity. That next morning we skipped class and instead went out for breakfast, where I told her all the nitty gritty details over pancakes and hash browns.

When we started college and she made a terrible mistake, I didn’t judge her for the decision she made. I drove her three hours out of town to the clinic. Past the man with a video camera and signs reading “BABY KILLER” and “YOU’RE GOING TO HELL.” I held her hand as we walked into the clinic together, were patted down by security, and were given the 3rd degree by the nurse behind the bullet proof glass. I was waiting in her recovery bay when she was done. I didn’t agree with the decision she made, and I could never go through with it myself, but in all honesty it made the most sense for the situation she was in. So I was there for her. I was the only person in the world who carried her secret. And I’ve kept it to myself all these years.¬†

When she met her soul mate some years later and finally got married, I stood up beside her as she took her vows. It was 110 degrees in July, my hair was flat, and I was sweating like crazy beneath my long satin dress, but there was nowhere else in the world I would’ve been except standing up as her Maid of Honor that day.¬†

A year later when we had both gotten pregnant, we were so thrilled that our babies would be the same age. She was 4 months farther along than I, and had already found out she was having a girl. Of course, she had decided our babies would either get married someday if I had a boy, or, Lord help us, they would be best friends just like us if I had a girl. 

At¬†9 weeks and¬†3 days, I miscarried. I was devastated. And my friend was devastated for me. She felt guilty because she was still pregnant and I wasn’t. And it was too hard for me to be around her during the rest of her pregnancy.¬†

When I got the call that she had delivered her baby girl, I was elated. I was still grieving from my loss, but I was truly happy for my friend and couldn’t wait to see her. Then I received the rest of the news. The news that had to be a big cosmic joke. The news that made my own miscarriage almost¬†seem trivial in comparison.¬†

The tears came instantly. I was crying before I even realized it. I was crying for my own baby that I would never meet. I was crying for an innocent life that had been taken for no reason. I was crying for a friend who didn’t deserve this, a friend who had been out of my life for the last few months simply because it was too painful to be around her.¬†

And here we were. Both staring at the tiny ivory casket in front of us. So small. How could they make caskets that small? The life inside of it had never even been given a chance. And for once in our lives, I was at a loss¬†for words. I didn’t know what to say to my friend. I wasn’t sure there was anything I could say. So I held her hand, I squeezed it tight, and I cried silently beside her.¬†¬†

Her mom appeared at my side, a tear trickling down her cheek. She smiled softly and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. “You’ve always been such a good friend to her,” she whispered, causing a floodgate of tears to be opened as my lips quivered and I tried to choke them back. Because I didn’t feel like I had been a very good friend the past few months.¬†¬†

My friend and I stood there holding hands, staring at the tiny porcelain doll laying peacefully in the impossibly tiny casket. I wasn’t sure how long we had stood there so far. And I wasn’t sure how long we would stay there. All I knew was I would stand there as long as I needed to. As long as she needed me to.

Baby Announcements!

I had such high hopes of keeping this blog updated in a timely manner!¬† Not only for anyone who cares to read it, but also so that I’ll have a record of my pregnancy to look back on.¬† So this is me getting caught up! ūüôā

I am 15 weeks pregnant now, which is CRAZY and EXCITING and TERRIFYING.¬† At this point, pretty much all the most important people in my life know about Baby Nugget.¬† The last few weeks have been spent announcing it to those people.¬† We still aren’t announcing it on Facebook yet, and it still might be a while for that.¬† But I feel a little lighter now that we’ve announced it to who we have.

First was my announcement at work.¬† It was getting increasingly difficult to hide it at work.¬† I’m not showing at all yet, but I’m so tired and so sick and I don’t know how many times a day someone asked me how everything was going with the fertility stuff, or “Is there a baby in there yet?” while poking at my belly.¬† My vague answers weren’t going to cut it for long, and call me superstitious, but I felt a little weird lying about being pregnant.¬† Plus, as you remember my friend AJ that I work with is also pregnant and only 2 weeks behind me, so I had a deadline since she could announce her pregnancy at any time.¬† I knew she was waiting until her next doctor’s appointment to announce, and that gave me 2 whole weeks to bask in the attention and be the only pregnant girl.¬† So I was given the perfect opportunity, and I took it.

A couple weeks ago Dr. E {one of the doctors I work for} scheduled a last minute staff meeting for the entire clinic and surgery center over our lunch hour.¬† Every single person that I work with was gathered in the lobby of our office.¬† Dr. E bought pizza for everyone and we stuffed our faces as he and our administrator talked about our mission statement and company vision and how we all contributed to it and blah blah blah.¬† We broke up into groups and did a silly activity and soon we ran out of time and the meeting was over.¬† Dr. E stood up and said that’s all he had for us and for everyone to have a good afternoon at work.¬† Everyone began to stand up to leave, so I jumped up and yelled, “Dr. E! Can I say something real quick??”¬† He said sure, and everyone stopped and looked at me.¬† So I said, “It’s not really work related, but since everyone was here I just wanted to announce…that I’m 12 and a half weeks pregnant.”

I cannot even begin to describe the reaction I got.¬† I barely got the sentence our and the room erupted with an ear-piercing scream.¬† Seriously, imagine 30-something women all screaming in excitement at the same time.¬† You would have thought someone had told the whole room that they had just won the lottery.¬† It was AMAZING.¬† I expected people to be happy for me, but I did not expect the reaction that I got.¬† People bombarded me with hugs and congratulations and one of the girls in my department had tears streaming down her face when she hugged me because she was just so happy for me.¬† I never expected so much genuine excitement and love from the people I work with.¬† It was an amazing day. ūüôā

My announcement to my family on the 4th was a little less exciting, but just as powerful.¬† I was going to do the picture thing, but my mom ended up having to work and my husband ended up being sick that day, so things didn’t exactly go as planned.¬† I still wanted to tell them on that day because I didn’t want to put it off any longer.¬† Especially since I had announced it at work already.¬† Hubby came to my aunt’s house with me for dinner but didn’t eat much, and soon after dinner asked me if I cared to take him home {we only live about 5 minutes from my aunt’s house, so it was no biggie}.¬† I knew he wasn’t feeling well, but I didn’t want to make the announcement by myself.¬† So I gave him the ultrasound picture I had brought with me to show off and told him to just take it over to Granny.¬† Everyone had already and eaten and were just sitting around talking, not paying any attention.¬† So Hubby walked up behind the chair my Granny was sitting in and handed her the folded piece of paper.¬† All he said was, “I was told to give this to you,” and then he walked away.¬† I watched her unfold the picture and look in disbelief.¬† She never said a word, she just covered her mouth and started crying.¬† It took a minute for anyone to even notice!¬† Finally my aunt asked what was wrong and what was in her hand.¬† Granny showed her the picture and it went from there.¬† ūüôā¬† It wasn’t crazy or cutesy or anything super special really, but my heart is pretty happy with the way it happened. ‚̧

Since then I’ve let some of my closest friends in on the secret that didn’t know yet.¬† I called my friend J just the other night to tell her, and she was crazy excited of course.¬† She and I have been friends since the 9th grade and always talked about having kids at the same time.¬† She experienced a big loss a couple months after my miscarriage in 2011.¬† She was pregnant and nearly full term and sadly her baby was stillborn.¬† We were both so excited when I had found out I was pregnant, because our kids were going to be the same age and be best friends.¬† Then I miscarried, and then her tragedy happened.¬† She got pregnant again and now has a 7 month old.¬† She has been anxiously awaiting the day I got pregnant again and was more than happy for me.

My other best friend is a different story.¬† I’m still pretty pissed off with how it went down.¬† I hadn’t told her yet because I was waiting until I told my family.¬† She and I have been friends since the 2nd grade.¬† I love her and she is practically a part of my family anyway.¬† She’s very close with my family and even works with one of my aunts.¬† Its not that I don’t trust her, but I know how loose lipped she can¬† be sometimes, and I knew I needed to wait and announce it to her when I made the family announcement.¬† She is family, after all, right?¬† Well, unfortunately, I didn’t get to tell her my big news.¬† Because someone else did it for me.¬† A girl that¬†we went to school with started working in the surgery center I work in a couple months ago.¬† She’s a sweet girl and very nice.¬† We aren’t good friends or anything, but we do know each other.¬† I went to school in a small town, and she and I knew each other from kindergarten until 12th grade.¬† It was one of those schools where you knew everyone in your graduating class because it was a small town you had been in school together since you were five.¬† But we aren’t close by any means.

I made it clear after my announcement at work that we weren’t facebook official yet and that my family wasn’t finding out until the 4th, so please don’t say anything anywhere.¬† I figured my wishes were pretty clear.¬† This girl even came up to me the next day in surgery and congratulated me and asked if I was excited.¬† I explained to her the condenses version of my story….we had been trying for over two years, we’d had some losses, we were ecstatic but scared and not ready to go super public yet so to keep the news on the down low.¬† Again, I was pretty sure I had made my wishes clear.

I had barely told my family yet.¬† It was the weekend after the 4th, and I had planned to see my friend, L, in person that weekend and show her my ultrasound pic.¬† But before I had a chance to meet her that night, she texted me earlier in the day saying she had heard a rumor.¬† About me.¬† She I’m like, what is it?¬† Of course she tells me that its that I’m pregnant.¬† I tried to laugh it off and asked who she heard it from.¬† I thought at first one of my family members had told her, which honestly wouldn’t have made me as mad.¬† But no.¬† The girl we went to school with who now works with me told her that I announced it to everyone at work.¬† Kinda hard to back out of that one.¬† I guess L had ran into her because one of the girl’s friends works with L and the girl was meeting up with her friend there.¬† I’m not sure why she decided to announce my pregnancy, but L could tell I was pissed on the phone and said that she probably assumed she already knew since we were such close friends.¬† Maybe that’s the truth.¬† But you know what?¬† I don’t care.¬† I know she hadn’t worked with me as long as everyone else has and didn’t know my whole story, but I made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want it made public knowledge yet.¬† If she mentioned it just randomly running into L, a girl she hasn’t talked to in ten years since high school, who else has she mentioned it to??¬† Does she not realize how incredibly rare and special this is for me??¬† This may be my one and only chance to conceive.¬† Possibly my only pregnancy and I don’t even get to be the one to share it with one of my oldest and closest friends.

Here’s an idea.¬† If its not growing in YOUR uterus, how about you keep your mouth shut about it??¬† I am still livid about the whole thing.¬† And no, I haven’t confronted her about it yet because I’m afraid I might throat punch her and lose my job.

So other than one of my closest and best friends finding out from an almost stranger and not me, my baby announcements have been pretty great.

I’ll try to keep up with the blog better!¬† No promises though!! ūüėČ

Baby Nugget – 14 & 15 Weeks!

I’ve been a bad blogger lately!¬† I’ve let myself get so behind, so I’m catching up today.¬† I’m going to combine my 14 and 15 week updates and hopefully I can keep up from here on out!

Week 14 – Baby
is the size of a lemon!  At week 14, your baby is 3.4 inches and 1.5 ounces;
he’s almost doubled in weight since last week and keeps on growing. ¬†Right now,
baby is probably sucking his thumb and wiggling his toes! ¬†And he’s growing
lanugo, a thin, peach-fuzz-like hair, all over his body — it will help him keep
warm.
Week 15 РBaby is the size of a {big} navel orange!  The average fetus at week 15
weighs 2.5 ounces and measures 4 inches — and her proportions are becoming even
more normal, since her legs now out measure her arms. ¬†Baby’s making lots of
progress:  her joints and limbs can all move now, and she might even be
hiccuping in there!

How far along? 15 weeks! I am AMAZED.

Total weight gain:  -3lbs last week, -3.5lbs this week.

Maternity clothes?¬†Nope. Although I’m thinking of starting to look. I wear scrubs everyday, so they’re pretty loose and comfy still.

Stretch marks?  No new ones. Ha!

Sleep:¬†¬†Please?! I’m so restless at night.

Best moment this week:¬†¬†Hearing Baby Nugget’s heartbeat ūüôā

Miss Anything? Sleeping through the night.

Movement:  Not for a long while I imagine.

Food cravings: Ribs.  And Hubby brought some home last night!  Yum!

Anything making you queasy or sick:¬†I have a lot of drainage at night right now, and when I wake up in the morning a lot of mucous has drained down into my throat.¬† It gags me and causes me to throw up in the mornings ūüė¶

Gender prediction: Somedays I feel girl, other days I feel boy! Who knows!

Labor Signs:  No, thank you.

Symptoms:  Fatigue, sore boobs, vomiting, bloat, super sense of smell. Occasional round ligament pain. Sciatic nerve pain!

Belly Button in or out?  In.  I have a pretty chunky belly, so I imagine it’ll stay.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy!

Looking forward to:  Gender scan in two weeks!!!! Eek!

Next appointment:  July 23rd, 17 week gender scan! Is Baby Nugget a girl or boy?!