Big. Fat. Negative.

Well, I took the plunge and tested yesterday evening. I stopped by the dollar store and bought 2 cheapy tests for $1 a piece. I couldn’t bring myself to spend the cash on an FRER when I knew I was probably setting myself up for disappointment.

I’m kinda sad, I’ll admit. I was looking forward to giving the news to my husband. To happily answering “Nope!” to our friends and family when they asked if we had to use fertility treatments again. And honestly, I was just excited about the possibility of another baby. I’ve been on the fence for a while, but this just set it in stone. My family is not complete yet. I’m ready to add to it.

I’m back in that place again. I know it could take over my every thought easily if I let it. But I can’t this time. I’m a mother and my son is my world. It will be very different the next time around.

So now I wait. Me and my glass filled boobies ¬†(ha) will wait. For what? I don’t know. Maybe AF is coming. Maybe that’s why my boobies hurt. And let’s be honest, if that were the case that’s still a win for a girl with pcos who never has a cycle.

There’s still that nagging voice in the back of my head saying..what if it’s just early? You don’t even know when your period is due. Maybe that cheap dollar store test couldn’t pick up the hcg. You didn’t use first morning urine, and EVERYONE knows you’re supposed to use first morning urine! And your boobies do hurt… and you felt a little queasy yesterday and seemed a little sensitive to smells when your co worker sprayed that Meadows and rain febreeze. Don’t count your uterus out yet! You do still have one cheap dollar store test left….

Another problem with being an infertile…. you can pretty much talk yourself into having symptoms! I know I’ve done it MANY TIMES before. So I may be doing it now. I’m pretty good at it.

For now, I’m believing the negative test. And for now, I’ll wait. Wait for AF. Wait for my “symptoms” to go away. Wait to take that last dollar store test.

And maybe wait until this summer to start trying to have another baby. ūüėä

So, I might be pregnant? But probably not.

Let me explain.

I know, I know, I drop off the blogging planet with only a check in here and there, only to return with a bombshell like this??! What is wrong with me?!

Let me just start with the obvious question: I don’t actually know if I’m pregnant or not. I haven’t peed on a stick in 3 years. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. If I suspect, I¬†should just do it, right? But¬†here’s the thing. When you are an infertile, that dreaded stick and it’s looming will they won’t they pink lines can mean utter devastation. I’m having a lot of¬†feeling stirred up that I haven’t felt since probably this time 3 years ago, when I was on my final cycle that would find me pregnant with my precious baby boy. I don’t like these feelings. Anxiety, dread, excitement, hope. I want to go back and live in my happy little bubble with my crazy, energetic toddler, and¬†make my mind again forget about things like hpt’s, opk’s, ttc, ewcm, af, bfp, bfn, tww, clomid, progesterone, hcg, letrozole, follistim, lovenox, etc, etc, etc, etc. I was happy in that bubble. Until this week.

Monday was a weird day. I woke up STARVING. Like, so hungry that I was beginning to feel sick. So I stopped by Starbucks on my way to work and got an iced vanilla chai latte and a slice of banana bread. By the time I got to work I was feeling pretty yucky and could only nibble on the bread. Ok, that doesn’t mean anything. But then, my breasts started to feel very tender. Huh. Strange.

Since having M, I haven’t gone on any kind of birth control. I have a prescription for¬†Provera so that if I go too long without a period, I can take it and make myself have one. I have 4 refills on it, as my doctor wants me to have at last 4 periods a year. I’ve only used it once. Back in February, I was thinking I should get it filled since¬†it had¬†been about 4 or 5 months since my¬†last (provera induced) period. But, much to my surprise, I started my¬†period on my own! That was fine and all.¬†But I didn’t expect it to happen again. But low and behold, March rolled around and I started my period AGAIN, and again, on my own – no meds! Pretty crazy for a gal with PCOS.

Now, I still chalked these up to flukes and didn’t really keep track of them. My March cycle started out light and brown (sorry, TMI) but I didn’t worry because it had been away since I’d had a normal cycle every month, so it would be¬†normal for there to be old blood. I’m not really sure when I started normal flow. And I didn’t expect anything out of it, or to get lucky enough to have a cycle in April as well.

Well, cut back to this week. Yucky feeling, very sore, tender boobies. Literally, it feels like razor blades are shredding my nipples when my tee shirt rubs against them. So my first though is…is this what PMS feels like? Is it time to start my period again? I’m not really sure because I’ve NEVER had a normal cycle…even as a teenager. So it maybe my body just gearing up for AF. Who knows. But I didn’t even keep track of the last two periods, so I’m not sure if I’m a week away from time or two weeks or what! I’m guessing I’m close to time to start if I was a normal woman with 28 day cycles. But I’m not, so again, who knows.

And here’s the thing that¬† gets me. The boobies, man. My nipples have NEVER been this sore unless I was on fertility medication or pregnant. Well, I’m not on any medication, ladies. And I’m not saying that means anything, but….what if it means something?! Between the nipples, and the yucky feeling (that’s not necessarily nausea but still a “blech” feeling) I can’t help but have this thought in the back of mind that….maybe I am?

I mean, it would be amazing if I was. I’ve always dreamed of getting pregnant on my own. Of it being a total surprise and surprising my husband that we did it naturally and he didn’t have to make a “deposit” into a specimen cup this time. We made the decision to not sue birth control, and for two years we haven’t actively tried, but we haven’t kept it from happening either. I mean, the odds are not in my favor to get pregnant that easily, so we have thrown caution to wind, if you will.

I’m not sure we were quite ready to start trying again. We had originally thought we would try when M was 18 months old, but I just wasn’t ready at that time, physically or mentally. The whole thought of trying to conceive again just really exhausts me. So now M is two years old, and we are just now dipping our toes into the water on the idea of trying later this year.

We didn’t want to try this spring, because M was conceived in April and born January 2nd, a week after Christmas, making that time of year extra stressful. We wanted to try to avoid adding another holiday birthday to the mix. So if I WAS, it would be absolutely hilarious since we specifically didn’t want to get pregnant right now.

It would be hilarious, but I would be SO HAPPY! A baby is blessing, especially to a family like ours who has struggled so much. I’ve really missed being pregnant, and while the idea of being pregnant with¬†a toddler to chase around is exhausting, I know momma’s do it all the time. The idea of M being a big brother just almost makes my heart explode, because I know he will be amazing at it. The very notion that we could add a fourth to our family just absolutely overflows my soul with joy!

So here I am, with my sore boobies and my yucky stomach, retreating back to the archives of this blog (to almost this exact date 3 years ago) hoping to find some answers…were my boobies this sore then? Was I nauseous then? Are there other signs that I wrote down?

Honestly, there aren’t any answers there for me. Although it was nice to look back on. The only answer to my question lies on that dreaded stick. The one I have yet to pee on. And I’m not sure what I’m waiting on. I think I’m just scared. I’ve almost convinced myself that the impossible has happened, and if I pee on that stick and only see one line, I know what devastation is to come. Sure, this wouldn’t come after 2 and a half years of ttc, and this wouldn’t come after my first cycle after a miscarriage, but I remember those feelings all too well, and I’m afraid I will never NOT be able to react or feel that way about a BFN.

So here I am, just waiting. For what? I’m not sure. I have no idea when my period would be “due” anyway. So its not like I can wait until I’m late. Hell, I could already be late for all I know, and that doesn’t necessarily mean anything either.

I’m sure I’ll pee on that stick soon. Just to make sure. I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m probably setting myself up for. But at some point I’m going to have to do it.

I’ll keep you guys updated!

 

My First Period

Postpartum that is.

But seriously guys, I started my period on Wednesday. ¬†All by myself. ¬†No medication required. ¬†No birth control, ¬†no Provera, just my body doing it’s thing all on its own. ¬†This is a huge deal to me!!!

I’m not sure if it counts since I just gave birth 10 weeks ago, but I’m choosing to celebrate anyway ūüôā (who in their right mind is excited to see AF??!) For someone with PCOS this is almost a miracle in and of itself!

Before I started TTC I hadn’t had a period on over 2 years. Since TTC I’ve only had one due to the meds I was on. That makes this my first real period in over 5 years.

I’m excited to see what my body does from here on out. ¬†Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I were to have regular cycles and begin ovulating on my own?? Not that I’m ready to TTC again nor am I holding my breath, but its just exciting to think about! (I just realized ho we incredibly sad this post is lol)

So that’s my news. Just wanted to share with all my other infertility pals. ūüôā

Only CD23???

Let me tell ya. This whole cycle has been just…weird. It is ridiculous to me that I’m only on CD23. How can that be?? It seems crazy that I could be getting my BFP {or BFN} any day now. Especially since here lately I don’t usually expect AF until CD33-35.¬† I’m trying to take all this as a good sign. My mature follicles ready on CD12. Actually ovulating like a normal person on CD14 {with the help of a trigger, of course}. I know that all that really matters is how many dpo you are, but its still so strange to me since I don’t even usually start peeing on a stick until CD28 or so and my beta is scheduled on CD27! Just hard to wrap my head around. Hmph.

On another note…

Still cramping. Almost like AF could show up any day now. Which again, throws me off since I wouldn’t normally be expecting her for another 10 days or so. My boobies are still sore. I know there’s no way the trigger is still in my system, and they aren’t near as sore as they were after I first triggered. But still pretty tender. Which is normal to me at this point, except I usually chalk it up to the progesterone. Except this cycle I’m not taking progesterone. Because my numbers were phenomenal. Again. Weirdness.

But we’re not jumping to any conclusions here. There’s probably a logical explanation for all of this. There always is, right? Regardless, I bought a box of 3 First Response today. One for tomorrow, one for Sunday, and one for Monday. I still have some Wondfo’s in there, but I’m not completely sure that I trust them at this point. Hubby asked last night if it was time to take a test yet or not, which surprised me since he’s usually pretty quiet about everything until I let him in on what’s going on. Good to know I’m not the only one thinking and stressing about it this time haha ūüėČ

*sigh* I try really hard, and it may not seem like it, but I can’t help but have a pretty positive outlook on this cycle. It’s always dangerous to think that way. Usually if I have a feeling one way or another it ends up being a big slap in the face. But I can’t help but think that if it was ever going to happen, it has to be now, this cycle. Everything has just been too….perfect.

If anybody needs me I’ll just be over here…waiting for this other shoe to drop.

Follistim, Party of One

CD19, folks! It’s been a bit since I updated, and a lot has happened the last 19 days! Let me break it down for you.

 

1. Provera was hateful to me and Letrozole was kind. Had a baseline ultrasound done on CD3. My Cycle Coordinator, H, has been wonderful in working with me and having some labs and other stuff done here locally so I don’t have to take off work as much. I got to go to Dr. L’s office for the baseline ultrasound and the girls there were ecstatic to see me. The ultrasound tech even used me as a teaching device that day, since my ovaries have a perfect string of pearls. I’m pretty much textbook, folks.

2. I began my very first cycle of Follistim. We started out with 75 units on CD’s 8-10. On CD11 Hubby and I made the 2 hour drive to have my midcycle ultrasound and labs done. It was uneventful. No mature follicles to be seen. So I was instructed to continue the Follistim 75units a day for the next 5 days. Then on CD16 we would return for another ultrasound to check things out.

3. I’ve become a pro at jabbing myself with a needle! Hooray! At first it was a little tough. I mean, it didn’t hurt, and I knew it wouldn’t hurt. But it’s like my brain wouldn’t tell my hand to give myself the shot! Crazy. But eventually I got the hang of it and I’ve been shooting myself up like a mad man.

4. Back to the clinic 2 hours away for our 2nd ultrasound on CD16. We got some good news. Actually, great news! There it was, on the screen. The most beautiful big black blob I’d ever seen. One mature follicle measuring 19mm. Bigger than Dallas right there on the screen. When she told me I closed my eyes and asked which ovary it was on. Luckily, it was on the RIGHT ovary! The left had a few little ones that weren’t mature yet. And the right only had that one. But oh my gosh, it was amazing. And it only takes one, right? I was pretty much giddy the whole way home. It’s just an amazing feeling to finally get some good news! After the last several cycles of my follies only growing to 12mm and then¬†stopping, this is fantastic. I love Follistim. LOVE IT.

5. So we triggered that night at 8:00. Sexy time like crazy the last 2 nights {and probably tonight, just to be sure!}. Yesterday I was having bad period-like cramps most of the day, with some twinging of my ovary. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad sign.

 

So there you have it. Starting out the TWW with pretty high spirits. I’m always very careful not to get my hopes up, but it’s just so hard this time around. I don’t want to jinx it…but I’ve just got this feeling…. Fingers crossed!!!

 

 

On Our Way

Well, friends, we are well on our way to Cycle #1 of TTC with the RE! I’m 5 days in with my old pal, Provera {grrr…} and hopefully within the next week I’ll have a little visitor and we can get this party started.

My Patient Education Class went well on Tuesday. I like Nurse M so far. She’s a little bit lacking in the personality department, but she’s very nice and helpful. We had to sign all sorts of legal mumbo-jumbo telling us of all the side effects that these meds {that I’ve already taken} can have. We went over the financial part of everything, and even though I’ve been approved by my insurance for fertility treatment, this first cycle is going to hurt a little bit until my $1500 deductible is met {ouch!}. We went over how to use my Follistim pen I’ll be getting {via mail, with all my other meds}, and Hubby got to take a trip to the Collection Room for a sperm analysis {results on Monday, I hope!}. All in all it was a good visit. Here’s the low down on the meds I’ll be taking:

Metformin ER 500mg X Twice a Day
Provera 10mg X 10days {currently}
Letrozole 2.5mg X CD3-7
Follistim 75units {dsg and days depending on ultrasound}
Trigger Shot {not sure which my insurance is covering yet}

In other exciting news, I cleared my kitchen cabinets of any and all junk food on January 2nd. Since then I have been trying to eat healthier and stay pretty close to a 1200 calorie diet. I haven’t had any sweet tea in over a week and a half, and I’ve only had a couple of diet sodas here and there when I really needed the caffiene fix. Exercise is coming along slowly. On nice days after work I’ve been taking my fur baby, Jenny, for a walk up and down our road. And I bought an elliptical, which was delivered on my doorstep Friday and I can’t wait for Hubby to put it together when he gets home from work today!

The best part? As of this morning…

I’ve lost 7 pounds!

I’ve still got a long way to go, but 7 pounds is a great start! The crazy thing is, it hasn’t even been that difficult. Its amazing what happens when you put yourself into a whole different mindset. Healthy Diet = Baby. That’s the equation I’m banking on.

Here’s hoping that Provera doesn’t make me a cranky bitch this week!

My life on progesterone.

My life on progesterone.

Another One Bites The Dust

Boo.

Boo.

Yep. That’s a negative pregnancy test. Taken by yours truly. Not that I really expected anything different. But I realized today was CD35 and AF is no where in sight. And how crazy would that have been, to have my appointment with the RE on Monday and to totally be pregnant this cycle. But nope. Not happening.

Let’s commence with the bitching, since that’s what I’ve been so good at lately. Shall we?

Yesterday a girl that I used to work with posted a vague status on facebook that went a little something like this: 12/12/12 has been the best day of my life since the day I married my wonderful husband! To which someone asks…why? To which she replies: Can’t tell yet ::smiley::¬† Now, I knew the moment I read it that she was pregnant. Someone had posted a little while ago that it was time for her have a baby, and she had said they’re working on it. If you’re trying to hide it, you’re not doing a very good job. Then 10 minutes later she posts a picture of her positive pregnancy test. Wow. Really waited a while before you told people, huh?

I just Do. Not. Understand. where these people get off announcing that they’re pregnant as soon as they get a positive test! You’re, what, five minutes pregnant?! Don’t you understand all the things that could happen in the next few weeks? Days? Hours? Just another example of how infertility has affected me. My brain. My emotions. I would never be so brave as to announce that I was pregnant the moment I took a test. I didn’t tell my parents that we were pregnant until we were 7 1/2 weeks and had heard¬†a perfectly healthy¬†heartbeat. And I miscarried four days later.

Ugh.

To top all this off, I walked in on a conversation between a few girls at work about how they’re so glad they had their kids young and that they had never planned to have kids once they were 30, because that was just waiting too long. Well, this 29 year old appreciates the fact that you think I’m out of time and should just give up now. Since I’m too old and all. Too bad I didn’t start trying when I was much younger. Oh, wait. I did. Bitches.

And that concludes another horribly negative post. Enjoy!

What The Hell Is Going On In There?

Ugh.

Haven’t posted in a while, so here’s a little update.¬† I went in on Friday the 28th for my bloodwork.¬† Nurse D called me on Monday and said my progesterone level was 0.7.¬† 0.7!¬† That doesn’t just mean I didn’t ovulate, that means Hell no I didn’t ovulate.¬† Geez.¬† We discussed it and decided that since my next cycle I should {in theory} ovulate on my left ovary anyway, it would be a good time to do another month of birth control to “quiet” everything down and help me respond to the Letrozole better on the following cycle.¬† So I am to call her if I start my period, which, if I didn’t ovulate I probably won’t, and if I haven’t started by CD35 I’m to test and then call her to get another script for my favorite med: Provera.¬† Nurse D said to just wait it out because the numbers don’t necessarily mean anything, especially in my case since my body always seems to do the exact opposite of what the numbers say.¬† And why shouldn’t this time be any different?

So Saturday {October 6th} rolls around and I wake up to AF giving me a big fat Good Morning!¬† Um, what?¬† I didn’t ovulate, so therefore AF shouldn’t be showing her snotty little face, right?¬† And if she is showing up, does that mean I actually did ovulate?¬† And if I did ovulate, WHY didn’t all that sexy time me and the hubs had work???¬† Basically what I want to know is…What the Hell is going on inside my body?!

I just called Nurse D and am anxiously awaiting her phone call back so I can tell her about AF’s little surprise visit.¬† The hubs and I have talked a little, and since Dr. L has mentioned IVF the last two times I’ve seen him, we will probably be going to an RE after the first of the year if we haven’t gotten pregnant by then.¬† This month marks 2 years that we’ve been trying.¬† It’s time.¬† The first of the year seems like as good a time as any.¬† That will allow us to get past the holiday season and have both of our vacation times start over at work.¬† Since the ony two fertility clinics close to us are both around 2 hours away, we’ll need the time to take off work.

In other news, its October, and October is my favorite month of the year.¬† So let’s be happy about that.¬† ūüôā

Weird Cycles & Crappy Insurance

In an earlier post I said that I should be getting AF on or about September 6th.¬† Imagine my surprise when that little devil actually showed up on September 6th!¬† That’s pretty much unheard of, for me anyway.¬† I haven’t been able to predict my period in….ever.¬† But sure enough, there she was, right on time.¬† But here’s the thing…

The last two cycles I’ve been on Letrozole.¬† My last two periods {this one included} have been….strange.¬† Started out very light and spotty, and instead of getting heavier, have stayed very light and spotty.¬† This is day 3, and the only thing I’ve had to wear is a tiny little panty liner.¬† Before the letrozole, when AF showed up, she showed up guns-a-blazin’.¬† Flood gates opened and it was on.¬† Granted, most of the time I had to take Provera to start my period…even while I was on Clomid, because at least half the time I wasn’t ovulating on it {hence the Letrozole}.¬† I’m just confused and almost feel like I’m cheating since its a barely-there period.¬† Anyone else had this happen while on Letrozole {Femara}??

Ok.  On to my crappy insurance rant.

My stupid workplace has been trying to switch our insurance for a while now to something that is cheaper for them.¬† They pay 100% of my insurance.¬† To clear that up, I pay NOTHING for health insurance.¬† Nothing gets taken out of my check every two weeks.¬† Whereas most companies pay 80% for employees, and the rest is deducted from their paycheck every pay period, my employer pays 100% for us for medical and dental {does not imclude spouse/family, only employee coverage}.¬† Which is fantastic.¬† I appreciate it, I really do, because I know the workplaces that do this are few and far between. Which is why I feel a tiny bit of guilt bitching about my insurance, since its free and all….but here we go.

Like I said, my employer has been trying to switch insurances for the last couple years, but they haven’t been able to because they’ve had some “high risk” employees {people with ridiculous medical conditions that went to the doctor/had surgeries all the damn time}¬†on the payroll and no other insurance company would touch us.¬† For a little while there I thought I might be one of the “high risk” employees, since I’m in my OB/GYN’s office almost as much as I’m in my own!

Well, lo and behold, within the last year we’ve had two employees quit and about a week and half ago we were signing up for our new insurance.¬† Absolutely no warning whatsoever.¬† They just started pulling us into the conference room one day to fill out paperwork and said effective September 1st, you’re covered by the new crappy insurance!¬† Initially, I was swept up by panic, because I have no idea if Dr. L is covered under the new insurance, and there is no WAY I can change doctors after two years of treatment with this man.¬† Then, the thought of IVF hit me…because we aren’t there YET, but my old insurance did cover it {80% up to $15000} so I knew if it came to that we could at least try once without going COMPLETELY broke.¬† I was pretty pissed off, because this new change was A.) Unexpected, and B.) Screwing everything up for me {yes, me me me me me! I’m back to my selfish phase}.

Luckily, Dr. L is in network and IVF is covered, but with very strict stipulations that I luckily{?} qualify for {though the overall coverage of this new insurance blows}.¬† So yesterday I go to Walgreens to pick up my Letrozole, since I started AF on Thursday and will start the Letrozole on Monday.¬† I give the lady at Walgreens my new insurance info {which is typed out on official stationary from my employer since we haven’t even gotten our cards yet} and she promptly tell me that my new crappy insurance requires a prior authorization for the medication.¬† Fuck. Me. {sorry for the four letter word, but SERIOUSLY.}

She starts to explain to me what the prior authorization means, and I stop her and tell her I work in a doctor’s office, I know exactly what it means.¬† It means that I am going to end up paying $80 for FIVE pills.¬† Because it’s Friday and its after 5, and my doctor’s office isn’t going to get the prior authorization form to fill out until Monday, and they probably won’t get around to filling it out and faxing it in until later that afternoon {because I work in a busy doctor’s office and I know that’s how it goes}, and if by some SLIM chance of a miracle by the Powers That Be decide that this medication will be covered by the new crappy insurance, it will already be too late because I HAVE to start taking it on Monday.

I did what any desperate self respecting girl would do and I called in a favor.¬† I happen to work with and be pretty good friends with Nurse D’s {Dr. L’s nurse}¬†daughter.¬† Since it was just a few minutes past 5 I tried calling Dr. L’s office but they already had the phones shut off.¬† So I called my friend A and explained the sitch to her asked if she knew if her mom was still at work or not.¬† I know she stays late sometimes because she’s called me well past 6 o’clock before from the office.¬† A said she’d call her cell and see and have her call me if she was.¬† I figured if she could at least get the prior authorization form faxed in now instead of waiting til Monday, it might speed things up a little.¬† Unfortunately Nurse D had already left work.¬† But I figured it was worth a shot.

Oh, well.¬† I don’t expect that it will be covered anyway.¬† Especially since I’m using it for infertility reasons instead of it’s actual use {breast cancer} but my old awesome insurance hadn’t caught on to that yet.¬† It just sucks because I paid $10 last month for the same 5 pills I’m gonna have to pay $80 for this month.¬† I can’t wait to see what other surpises this new insurance has in store for me!

Ok. End rant.

Everyone have a great weekend!

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

Here I am, back on CD20.¬† Doesn’t it seem like we were just here?

My ultrasound on the 17th showed some good and bad news.¬† Good news is, I am ovulating. Yay! Bad news is, its on the wrong ovary. Boo!¬† Having a missing fallopian tube can really be a bummer.¬† So I’m basically sitting this month out, which is a little depressing and frustrating when I know there are perfectly good follicles just waiting to make a baby on that left ovary with absolutely nowhere to go.

On the bright side, the letrozole is working, much better than the clomid ever did.¬† And chances are I’ll be ovulating on the right ovary next cycle {fingers crossed}.¬† If my cycle resembles any sort of normalcy {which lets be honest, it never has} then AF should show up around September 6th, and we can get on with it.¬† Who knew I’d ever be looking forward to that happening??

On another note, I think I may be losing my mind.¬† I’ve been doing this for two years now.¬† Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid, Provera, Letrozole, etc, etc, etc.¬† It’s true that most of the time I’m an emotional wreck.¬† I cry at ridiculous moments. I snap at people I love for no reason.¬† I cry some more at some even more ridiculous moments.¬† But here lately, it seems to be getting the best of me.¬† I feel more on edge, more anxious, and more stressed about little stuff {mostly at work} that never bothered me before.¬† More than once in the last few weeks I’m broke down in tears at work because I’ve just felt so overwhelmed.¬† I feel like maybe all the hormones are finally catching up to me?¬† I spoke with an older¬†friend at work¬†{who is an RN}¬†privately about this, and she suggested that I tell Dr. L whats going on and see if maybe he can prescribe a low dose something or other to help take the edge off.¬† She told me that there was no shame in taking something as needed short term, especially since I legitimately seem to need it.

I’ve never taken any sort of antidepressant/anxiety medicine.¬† I’m very reluctant about it even now.¬† But I’m getting to the point where functioning normally at my job at a daily basis is getting more and more difficult.¬† I don’t want to be that girl.¬† You know… “Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s just having another emotional breakdown. *whispers* She’s on fertility meds.”¬† Yeah. That girl.¬† But I am. I am that girl.¬† People make excuses for me because of all the hormones I’m on.¬† Hell, I make excuses for myself!¬† And I hate it.

So, here I am.¬† I can’t even bring myself to make the phone call.¬† I almost feel like if I make that call and ask for help, it means I’m weak and I can’t handle this.¬† And I can handle this.¬† I’ve been through too much to not be able to handle this now.¬† But I don’t know if I can keep going the way I’ve been going.¬† I’m a few breakdowns shy from everyone {including myself} thinking I’ve completely gone off my rocker.¬† And quitting this process is not an option.¬† I’m probably way overdue for taking a break from TTC.¬†¬† I wish I had enough sense to do that, but I want this¬†too bad.¬† I will not stop until we’ve made a baby.¬† We will have to exhaust every single option there is out¬†there, and even then I think my uterus will have to fall out before I finally give up.

So maybe I’ll call on Monday.¬† Maybe.