If At First You Don’t Succeed…

Here I am, back on CD20.  Doesn’t it seem like we were just here?

My ultrasound on the 17th showed some good and bad news.  Good news is, I am ovulating. Yay! Bad news is, its on the wrong ovary. Boo!  Having a missing fallopian tube can really be a bummer.  So I’m basically sitting this month out, which is a little depressing and frustrating when I know there are perfectly good follicles just waiting to make a baby on that left ovary with absolutely nowhere to go.

On the bright side, the letrozole is working, much better than the clomid ever did.  And chances are I’ll be ovulating on the right ovary next cycle {fingers crossed}.  If my cycle resembles any sort of normalcy {which lets be honest, it never has} then AF should show up around September 6th, and we can get on with it.  Who knew I’d ever be looking forward to that happening??

On another note, I think I may be losing my mind.  I’ve been doing this for two years now.  Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid, Provera, Letrozole, etc, etc, etc.  It’s true that most of the time I’m an emotional wreck.  I cry at ridiculous moments. I snap at people I love for no reason.  I cry some more at some even more ridiculous moments.  But here lately, it seems to be getting the best of me.  I feel more on edge, more anxious, and more stressed about little stuff {mostly at work} that never bothered me before.  More than once in the last few weeks I’m broke down in tears at work because I’ve just felt so overwhelmed.  I feel like maybe all the hormones are finally catching up to me?  I spoke with an older friend at work {who is an RN} privately about this, and she suggested that I tell Dr. L whats going on and see if maybe he can prescribe a low dose something or other to help take the edge off.  She told me that there was no shame in taking something as needed short term, especially since I legitimately seem to need it.

I’ve never taken any sort of antidepressant/anxiety medicine.  I’m very reluctant about it even now.  But I’m getting to the point where functioning normally at my job at a daily basis is getting more and more difficult.  I don’t want to be that girl.  You know… “Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s just having another emotional breakdown. *whispers* She’s on fertility meds.”  Yeah. That girl.  But I am. I am that girl.  People make excuses for me because of all the hormones I’m on.  Hell, I make excuses for myself!  And I hate it.

So, here I am.  I can’t even bring myself to make the phone call.  I almost feel like if I make that call and ask for help, it means I’m weak and I can’t handle this.  And I can handle this.  I’ve been through too much to not be able to handle this now.  But I don’t know if I can keep going the way I’ve been going.  I’m a few breakdowns shy from everyone {including myself} thinking I’ve completely gone off my rocker.  And quitting this process is not an option.  I’m probably way overdue for taking a break from TTC.   I wish I had enough sense to do that, but I want this too bad.  I will not stop until we’ve made a baby.  We will have to exhaust every single option there is out there, and even then I think my uterus will have to fall out before I finally give up.

So maybe I’ll call on Monday.  Maybe.

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