Baby Announcements!

I had such high hopes of keeping this blog updated in a timely manner!  Not only for anyone who cares to read it, but also so that I’ll have a record of my pregnancy to look back on.  So this is me getting caught up! 🙂

I am 15 weeks pregnant now, which is CRAZY and EXCITING and TERRIFYING.  At this point, pretty much all the most important people in my life know about Baby Nugget.  The last few weeks have been spent announcing it to those people.  We still aren’t announcing it on Facebook yet, and it still might be a while for that.  But I feel a little lighter now that we’ve announced it to who we have.

First was my announcement at work.  It was getting increasingly difficult to hide it at work.  I’m not showing at all yet, but I’m so tired and so sick and I don’t know how many times a day someone asked me how everything was going with the fertility stuff, or “Is there a baby in there yet?” while poking at my belly.  My vague answers weren’t going to cut it for long, and call me superstitious, but I felt a little weird lying about being pregnant.  Plus, as you remember my friend AJ that I work with is also pregnant and only 2 weeks behind me, so I had a deadline since she could announce her pregnancy at any time.  I knew she was waiting until her next doctor’s appointment to announce, and that gave me 2 whole weeks to bask in the attention and be the only pregnant girl.  So I was given the perfect opportunity, and I took it.

A couple weeks ago Dr. E {one of the doctors I work for} scheduled a last minute staff meeting for the entire clinic and surgery center over our lunch hour.  Every single person that I work with was gathered in the lobby of our office.  Dr. E bought pizza for everyone and we stuffed our faces as he and our administrator talked about our mission statement and company vision and how we all contributed to it and blah blah blah.  We broke up into groups and did a silly activity and soon we ran out of time and the meeting was over.  Dr. E stood up and said that’s all he had for us and for everyone to have a good afternoon at work.  Everyone began to stand up to leave, so I jumped up and yelled, “Dr. E! Can I say something real quick??”  He said sure, and everyone stopped and looked at me.  So I said, “It’s not really work related, but since everyone was here I just wanted to announce…that I’m 12 and a half weeks pregnant.”

I cannot even begin to describe the reaction I got.  I barely got the sentence our and the room erupted with an ear-piercing scream.  Seriously, imagine 30-something women all screaming in excitement at the same time.  You would have thought someone had told the whole room that they had just won the lottery.  It was AMAZING.  I expected people to be happy for me, but I did not expect the reaction that I got.  People bombarded me with hugs and congratulations and one of the girls in my department had tears streaming down her face when she hugged me because she was just so happy for me.  I never expected so much genuine excitement and love from the people I work with.  It was an amazing day. 🙂

My announcement to my family on the 4th was a little less exciting, but just as powerful.  I was going to do the picture thing, but my mom ended up having to work and my husband ended up being sick that day, so things didn’t exactly go as planned.  I still wanted to tell them on that day because I didn’t want to put it off any longer.  Especially since I had announced it at work already.  Hubby came to my aunt’s house with me for dinner but didn’t eat much, and soon after dinner asked me if I cared to take him home {we only live about 5 minutes from my aunt’s house, so it was no biggie}.  I knew he wasn’t feeling well, but I didn’t want to make the announcement by myself.  So I gave him the ultrasound picture I had brought with me to show off and told him to just take it over to Granny.  Everyone had already and eaten and were just sitting around talking, not paying any attention.  So Hubby walked up behind the chair my Granny was sitting in and handed her the folded piece of paper.  All he said was, “I was told to give this to you,” and then he walked away.  I watched her unfold the picture and look in disbelief.  She never said a word, she just covered her mouth and started crying.  It took a minute for anyone to even notice!  Finally my aunt asked what was wrong and what was in her hand.  Granny showed her the picture and it went from there.  🙂  It wasn’t crazy or cutesy or anything super special really, but my heart is pretty happy with the way it happened. ❤

Since then I’ve let some of my closest friends in on the secret that didn’t know yet.  I called my friend J just the other night to tell her, and she was crazy excited of course.  She and I have been friends since the 9th grade and always talked about having kids at the same time.  She experienced a big loss a couple months after my miscarriage in 2011.  She was pregnant and nearly full term and sadly her baby was stillborn.  We were both so excited when I had found out I was pregnant, because our kids were going to be the same age and be best friends.  Then I miscarried, and then her tragedy happened.  She got pregnant again and now has a 7 month old.  She has been anxiously awaiting the day I got pregnant again and was more than happy for me.

My other best friend is a different story.  I’m still pretty pissed off with how it went down.  I hadn’t told her yet because I was waiting until I told my family.  She and I have been friends since the 2nd grade.  I love her and she is practically a part of my family anyway.  She’s very close with my family and even works with one of my aunts.  Its not that I don’t trust her, but I know how loose lipped she can  be sometimes, and I knew I needed to wait and announce it to her when I made the family announcement.  She is family, after all, right?  Well, unfortunately, I didn’t get to tell her my big news.  Because someone else did it for me.  A girl that we went to school with started working in the surgery center I work in a couple months ago.  She’s a sweet girl and very nice.  We aren’t good friends or anything, but we do know each other.  I went to school in a small town, and she and I knew each other from kindergarten until 12th grade.  It was one of those schools where you knew everyone in your graduating class because it was a small town you had been in school together since you were five.  But we aren’t close by any means.

I made it clear after my announcement at work that we weren’t facebook official yet and that my family wasn’t finding out until the 4th, so please don’t say anything anywhere.  I figured my wishes were pretty clear.  This girl even came up to me the next day in surgery and congratulated me and asked if I was excited.  I explained to her the condenses version of my story….we had been trying for over two years, we’d had some losses, we were ecstatic but scared and not ready to go super public yet so to keep the news on the down low.  Again, I was pretty sure I had made my wishes clear.

I had barely told my family yet.  It was the weekend after the 4th, and I had planned to see my friend, L, in person that weekend and show her my ultrasound pic.  But before I had a chance to meet her that night, she texted me earlier in the day saying she had heard a rumor.  About me.  She I’m like, what is it?  Of course she tells me that its that I’m pregnant.  I tried to laugh it off and asked who she heard it from.  I thought at first one of my family members had told her, which honestly wouldn’t have made me as mad.  But no.  The girl we went to school with who now works with me told her that I announced it to everyone at work.  Kinda hard to back out of that one.  I guess L had ran into her because one of the girl’s friends works with L and the girl was meeting up with her friend there.  I’m not sure why she decided to announce my pregnancy, but L could tell I was pissed on the phone and said that she probably assumed she already knew since we were such close friends.  Maybe that’s the truth.  But you know what?  I don’t care.  I know she hadn’t worked with me as long as everyone else has and didn’t know my whole story, but I made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want it made public knowledge yet.  If she mentioned it just randomly running into L, a girl she hasn’t talked to in ten years since high school, who else has she mentioned it to??  Does she not realize how incredibly rare and special this is for me??  This may be my one and only chance to conceive.  Possibly my only pregnancy and I don’t even get to be the one to share it with one of my oldest and closest friends.

Here’s an idea.  If its not growing in YOUR uterus, how about you keep your mouth shut about it??  I am still livid about the whole thing.  And no, I haven’t confronted her about it yet because I’m afraid I might throat punch her and lose my job.

So other than one of my closest and best friends finding out from an almost stranger and not me, my baby announcements have been pretty great.

I’ll try to keep up with the blog better!  No promises though!! 😉

Quick Update From a Bad Blogger

Yeah. I’ve been a bad blogger lately.  But here’s an update on things.

Beta test was negative.  I was ok with that. I’ve come to expect that.  So I was ok with it.  At least, I think I was.  The crazy lady crying in the kitchen floor over Hamburger Helper that night might beg to differ.

Currently on CD8.  Doing Letrozole 5mg CD5-9.  Follistim 100 units CD10-12.  Ultrasound on Monday (CD12) and we’ll go from there.

Dr. P raised or doubled the dosage on all my meds for this cycle.  So crazy lady might get a little crazier.  Apparently I put my sassy pants on this morning (or so I was told) so crazy lady might already be a little crazier.  Just ask the lady from CVS Caremark who tried to tell me this afternoon that my Follistim couldn’t be delivered until next Tuesday because they were just so busy.  Don’t think so, lady.

On another note, one of my patients today listed polycystic ovaries in her medical history.  She was also on Metformin.  It was none of my business but I asked her about it and told her I had the same thing.  She asked if I had any babies.  And when I said we were trying she said, “Me, too!” Then she asked how old I was.  I told her 29 and she told me she was 34.  That turned into a 45 minute conversation about infertility and TTC.  It’s weird the information you feel comfortable sharing with a complete stranger.  But in a way she wasn’t a stranger at all because she knew and understood and had been through what I had.  It’s so rare to find someone in real life that you can talk to about these things who for real understands.  I do (un)fortunately have people in my life who get it.  But even more in my life don’t.

Ok.  I’ll update late when there’s something to update on!

Hard To Be Thankful

I know, I know.  I have much to be thankful for.  I have a roof over my head.  A good job.  A nice car.  Medical insurance.  A wonderful {though sometimes annoying} husband.  The sweetest little fur baby you will ever meet.  Really, I want for nothing in the physical sense.

It started out as a great day.  We spent the first part of our day having dinner at my Aunt’s house with my mom’s side of the family.  Afterwards, we went to my Grandma’s on my dad’s side.  As soon as I walk in the door —- no, BEFORE I had even made it through the door, I’m bombarded with the news that my cousin’s wife is pregnant and today is the day they chose to share this joyous news.

I’m on the front porch.  My uncle is hugging me.  Smiling ear to ear.  Excitedly anouncing, “We’re getting a baby!”  I steady my breathing.  I’m holding it together.  I can handle this.  I walk through the front door and give my cousin a hug.  He and I are the same age, born a month apart from each other.  We grew up together.  We went to school together and graduated together.  We got married 4 months apart from each other.  A big part of me is happy for him.  But an equally big part of me is devastated.  But I’ve got this.  I’m holding it together and I’ve got this.

Before I even let go of the half hearted embrace between the two of us, my Grandma yells across the room to me, “Well, do YOU have any good news for us yet?”

I don’t have this anymore.  And its all I can do to continue to hold it together.

I spent half an hour sitting uncomfortably on the couch while everyone went on and on about the new baby, and what symptoms she’s been having, and how, bless her heart, she couldn’t even keep Thanksgiving dinner down.  And then everyone in the room wanted to share their pregnancy stories.  What foods made them sick.  What foods they craved.  It’s all I can do to sit there and smile through it all.  I’m fighting  back tears and a total mental breakdown, all the while wondering if this is all really happening.

Finally, they leave because she’s tired and not feeling well.  I’m ashamed of the relief I feel when her occupied uterus leaves the room.

I know I’m being a brat.  And I know its not their fault that my lady bits don’t work.  But in my world, where everything revolves around me, I felt like it was all being forcefully shoved in my face.  I also realize how absolutely absurd that is.  But I don’t care.

I need December 17 to get here.  Now.

Weird Cycles & Crappy Insurance

In an earlier post I said that I should be getting AF on or about September 6th.  Imagine my surprise when that little devil actually showed up on September 6th!  That’s pretty much unheard of, for me anyway.  I haven’t been able to predict my period in….ever.  But sure enough, there she was, right on time.  But here’s the thing…

The last two cycles I’ve been on Letrozole.  My last two periods {this one included} have been….strange.  Started out very light and spotty, and instead of getting heavier, have stayed very light and spotty.  This is day 3, and the only thing I’ve had to wear is a tiny little panty liner.  Before the letrozole, when AF showed up, she showed up guns-a-blazin’.  Flood gates opened and it was on.  Granted, most of the time I had to take Provera to start my period…even while I was on Clomid, because at least half the time I wasn’t ovulating on it {hence the Letrozole}.  I’m just confused and almost feel like I’m cheating since its a barely-there period.  Anyone else had this happen while on Letrozole {Femara}??

Ok.  On to my crappy insurance rant.

My stupid workplace has been trying to switch our insurance for a while now to something that is cheaper for them.  They pay 100% of my insurance.  To clear that up, I pay NOTHING for health insurance.  Nothing gets taken out of my check every two weeks.  Whereas most companies pay 80% for employees, and the rest is deducted from their paycheck every pay period, my employer pays 100% for us for medical and dental {does not imclude spouse/family, only employee coverage}.  Which is fantastic.  I appreciate it, I really do, because I know the workplaces that do this are few and far between. Which is why I feel a tiny bit of guilt bitching about my insurance, since its free and all….but here we go.

Like I said, my employer has been trying to switch insurances for the last couple years, but they haven’t been able to because they’ve had some “high risk” employees {people with ridiculous medical conditions that went to the doctor/had surgeries all the damn time} on the payroll and no other insurance company would touch us.  For a little while there I thought I might be one of the “high risk” employees, since I’m in my OB/GYN’s office almost as much as I’m in my own!

Well, lo and behold, within the last year we’ve had two employees quit and about a week and half ago we were signing up for our new insurance.  Absolutely no warning whatsoever.  They just started pulling us into the conference room one day to fill out paperwork and said effective September 1st, you’re covered by the new crappy insurance!  Initially, I was swept up by panic, because I have no idea if Dr. L is covered under the new insurance, and there is no WAY I can change doctors after two years of treatment with this man.  Then, the thought of IVF hit me…because we aren’t there YET, but my old insurance did cover it {80% up to $15000} so I knew if it came to that we could at least try once without going COMPLETELY broke.  I was pretty pissed off, because this new change was A.) Unexpected, and B.) Screwing everything up for me {yes, me me me me me! I’m back to my selfish phase}.

Luckily, Dr. L is in network and IVF is covered, but with very strict stipulations that I luckily{?} qualify for {though the overall coverage of this new insurance blows}.  So yesterday I go to Walgreens to pick up my Letrozole, since I started AF on Thursday and will start the Letrozole on Monday.  I give the lady at Walgreens my new insurance info {which is typed out on official stationary from my employer since we haven’t even gotten our cards yet} and she promptly tell me that my new crappy insurance requires a prior authorization for the medication.  Fuck. Me. {sorry for the four letter word, but SERIOUSLY.}

She starts to explain to me what the prior authorization means, and I stop her and tell her I work in a doctor’s office, I know exactly what it means.  It means that I am going to end up paying $80 for FIVE pills.  Because it’s Friday and its after 5, and my doctor’s office isn’t going to get the prior authorization form to fill out until Monday, and they probably won’t get around to filling it out and faxing it in until later that afternoon {because I work in a busy doctor’s office and I know that’s how it goes}, and if by some SLIM chance of a miracle by the Powers That Be decide that this medication will be covered by the new crappy insurance, it will already be too late because I HAVE to start taking it on Monday.

I did what any desperate self respecting girl would do and I called in a favor.  I happen to work with and be pretty good friends with Nurse D’s {Dr. L’s nurse} daughter.  Since it was just a few minutes past 5 I tried calling Dr. L’s office but they already had the phones shut off.  So I called my friend A and explained the sitch to her asked if she knew if her mom was still at work or not.  I know she stays late sometimes because she’s called me well past 6 o’clock before from the office.  A said she’d call her cell and see and have her call me if she was.  I figured if she could at least get the prior authorization form faxed in now instead of waiting til Monday, it might speed things up a little.  Unfortunately Nurse D had already left work.  But I figured it was worth a shot.

Oh, well.  I don’t expect that it will be covered anyway.  Especially since I’m using it for infertility reasons instead of it’s actual use {breast cancer} but my old awesome insurance hadn’t caught on to that yet.  It just sucks because I paid $10 last month for the same 5 pills I’m gonna have to pay $80 for this month.  I can’t wait to see what other surpises this new insurance has in store for me!

Ok. End rant.

Everyone have a great weekend!

Kindness of a Stranger

You ever have one of those moments where a perfect stranger says or does something that completely makes your day?  This is one of the perks of my job.

I work with every type of person you can imagine.  Babies, toddlers, children, teenagers, adults, the elderly, people of all ages.  People with mental and/or physical disabilities.  People who don’t speak English.  People who are certifiably insane.  Somedays its a blessing.  Somedays its a challenge.

I spend most of my days working in the clinic portion of our facility doing eye exams and different types of diagnostic testing.  Some of my patients are talkers, some don’t say anything past reading the eye chart.  One of our main services in our office is cataract surgery, so we see a lot of the 60+ crowd.  These people tend to be the biggest talkers, because lets face it, I’m probably one of the only people they’ve had to talk to all week.  A lot of them like to tell me about their family {who probably rarely visits} or brag about their grandchilden {pictures included} or sadly, tell me about their spouse who is terribly sick or even worse has recently been laid to rest {I have a hard time keeping it together when these types of stories come about. My hormones just can’t take it!}.

Among all of those topics, I get a handful of people everyday who like to ask about myself.  Where am I from? Am I married?  Is that my natural hair color? {Seriously…and I’m a brunette!}  How long have I been doing this?  Do I like my job?  How can I know so much when I don’t look like I’m old enough to be out of high school? {That ones my favorite…hehe…obviously these people have vision problems, but it still makes me feel good!}  But the one question I get asked at the very minimum at least once a day {but usually more} is: Do you have children?

I usually skirt around the question, saying, “Not yet!” or “We’re working on it!” with a fake smile plastered on my face.  Because I do not have the time nor sanity to spill my guts about my situation to every single person who asks this question.  I usually get a polite response like, “Oh, don’t worry, you have plenty of time,” {because apparently I look younger than I actually am to these people} or some sort of words of wisdom about raising children.  I nod and smile sweetly and then get about my business.

A few months ago I was doing an exam on a lady, probably in her late 60s, early 70s.  She and I were having the typical conversation, when she began talking about how she was raising her granddaughter because the mother had “ran off.”  I can’t imagine someone abandoning a child, but I didn’t say much so as to keep my professionalism.  Then the lady went on to tell me how shocked she was because the mother had tried so hard for children, and ended up having to adopt this little girl, only to decide later that she couldn’t handle it.  By this point I couldn’t keep it in.  I was almost in tears myself as I told the lady how terribly this broke my heart.  I gave her a brief version of my story, and in the nicest way possible told her that I couldn’t understand how someone could even contemplate doing something like that.

The lady of course gave me much sympathy, and told me how much she hoped that I would finally get my baby.  Before I left her for the doctor to see her, she asked for my name.  I told her, and she said that she would put me on the prayer list at her church.  I was beyound touched and grateful, and beyond emotional.  But that’s not where the story ends.

Yesterday, the lady came back into the clinic, this time for a consult for cataract surgery.  I didn’t do her workup, nor did I even know she was in the building.  She was sitting in a chair in a hallway, waiting to have measurements done, when I walked past her and she called out my name.  I turned back to her and smiled.  She did look familiar, but I couldn’t quite place her.  We have so many regular patients that come in.  Then she asked, “Are you pregnant yet?”  So I smiled and said, “Not yet.”  Then she told me, “Well, I just want you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you.  I still pray for you every night, and you’re still on the prayer list at church.”  An ocean of emotions washed over me as I remembered who she was.  It was all I could do to sputter our the words ‘Thank you.’  I briefly told her we’re still hopeful and have started a new medicine that seems promising.  As I told her goodbye and that I would see her in surgery, she said, “You know, I don’t even really know you, but I can tell you’re going be a great mother.”  There really aren’t any words to describe how that made me feel.

It really pulls me back down to reality.  Most of the time I am the most selfish person in the world.  Always thinking about myself and my situation, wondering why I have to have these problems when things seem to come so easily for others, assuming that the entire world is revolving around me and my jacked up lady parts.  And then there’s this person, this perfect stranger who has met me once and doesn’t even know my last name, who has set aside a place in her thoughts and her prayers and her heart for me.

To know that there are people out there rooting for me that I may not even know about…

Truly.  Amazing.

Good things will happen for us.  All of us.