Sexy Time. Again.

Gone were the days of scheduled intercourse, coming home after a long day from work, looking at my husband with a complete lack of interest, and thinking, “Let’s just get this over with now so we don’t have to worry about it after dinner.”

Sigh.

Or so I thought.  Here’s your warning: This post may include some TMI moments {Do those even exist when you’re TTC???}.

The past 3 cycles have been fantastic.  Before I started the Letrozole we did a month of BC.  Then my next cycle we did the IUI.  The next cycle was a bust because I was ovulating on the wrong ovary.  So for the last 3 months, my hubby and I have been able to actually enjoy sex with each other whenever we WANT, not just when its on the calendar!  Its been amazing.  And I thought it would continue that way, since we’ve decided to keep trying with the IUI approach.

WRONG.

I went in for my Day 12 ultrasound on Monday {the 17th}.  There were 3 follies on my RIGHT ovary {Hooray!} but they were a little small. Two 10’s and one 12.  Dr. L actually called them pitiful.  Thanks, Dr. L {I still love you}.  I talked to him about my weird cycles the last two months, with the light spotting for 2-3 days before I actually started any heavy duty bleeding, and he said from now on he wanted me to start counting Day 1 on my first day of heavy bleeding.  In light of this news, he said that I could actually only be on Day 10 rather than Day 12, so he wanted to see me back Wednesday for another ultrasound to see how my little follies were growing.

Cut to Wednesday {the 19th}  {Side Bar: This is one year to the day that we heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time.  Four days later I miscarried. This week has been a rough one.}  I go in for another ultrasound.  At this point I’m on Day 14, or Day 12, depending on if you counted the first two days of spotting I had as cycle days. Oy.  My little follies grew 1mm.  Still pitiful.  Dr. L said he was expecting them to grow at least 2-3mm.  He said it was very possible that they would mature and I would still ovulate, but at that point he didn’t see enough to warrant spending the money on an IUI.  Plus, as it was looking, if I DID ovulate, it was looking to happen on the weekend and while he would come in to do it even though the office is closed, the lab that does the sperm washing is closed on the weekend {Since Dr. L is just my OBGYN and I’m not going to a fertility clinic *yet*, which would obviously be open 7 days a week, this is the luck of the draw}.

So you know what that means… me and the hubs get to have Sexy Time this weekend.  And lots of it.  Sigh.  There’s just something about having to do it that makes me not wanna do it.  I know you know what I mean.

On a brighter note, I haven’t been nearly as crazy or close to a mental breakdown the last few weeks.  I finally called Dr. L’s office and told them I was losing it, and he prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft.  I was pretty hesitant at first.  I’ve never taken anything like that before and I was afraid it would make me a zombie.  But so far its done the trick without compromising my personality, and I only have 3 refills so its only a temporary thing.  I did some research on it and its prescribed to a lot of women who have severe PMS symptoms {which….HELLO, hormones!}.  The girls at work have even mentioned that they’ve noticed a difference in me.

Ok. So back to the follies.  So that makes today either Day 16 or Day 14.  Depending on how you’re counting it.  I haven’t done any OPK’s or temp charting, partly because I didn’t think I’d need to and partly because they just make me crazy.  But I did notice I had a little CM today {gross, I know}.  So hopefully my little follies are growing and all the Sexy Time we’re about to have isn’t all for nothing!

Just curious… If you’ve done IUI or monitored by ultrasound, what size are your follies usually on day 12 or 14?  Just so I have something to compare to.  I’m really hoping maybe I just flubbed up my days and we’ll ovulate just fine.  But as usual, I’m not getting my hopes up.  I’ll know for sure next week if we ovulated when I go in for my bloodwork.

Until then, have a good weekend!  You know what I’ll be doing! {Ha!}

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

Here I am, back on CD20.  Doesn’t it seem like we were just here?

My ultrasound on the 17th showed some good and bad news.  Good news is, I am ovulating. Yay! Bad news is, its on the wrong ovary. Boo!  Having a missing fallopian tube can really be a bummer.  So I’m basically sitting this month out, which is a little depressing and frustrating when I know there are perfectly good follicles just waiting to make a baby on that left ovary with absolutely nowhere to go.

On the bright side, the letrozole is working, much better than the clomid ever did.  And chances are I’ll be ovulating on the right ovary next cycle {fingers crossed}.  If my cycle resembles any sort of normalcy {which lets be honest, it never has} then AF should show up around September 6th, and we can get on with it.  Who knew I’d ever be looking forward to that happening??

On another note, I think I may be losing my mind.  I’ve been doing this for two years now.  Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid, Provera, Letrozole, etc, etc, etc.  It’s true that most of the time I’m an emotional wreck.  I cry at ridiculous moments. I snap at people I love for no reason.  I cry some more at some even more ridiculous moments.  But here lately, it seems to be getting the best of me.  I feel more on edge, more anxious, and more stressed about little stuff {mostly at work} that never bothered me before.  More than once in the last few weeks I’m broke down in tears at work because I’ve just felt so overwhelmed.  I feel like maybe all the hormones are finally catching up to me?  I spoke with an older friend at work {who is an RN} privately about this, and she suggested that I tell Dr. L whats going on and see if maybe he can prescribe a low dose something or other to help take the edge off.  She told me that there was no shame in taking something as needed short term, especially since I legitimately seem to need it.

I’ve never taken any sort of antidepressant/anxiety medicine.  I’m very reluctant about it even now.  But I’m getting to the point where functioning normally at my job at a daily basis is getting more and more difficult.  I don’t want to be that girl.  You know… “Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s just having another emotional breakdown. *whispers* She’s on fertility meds.”  Yeah. That girl.  But I am. I am that girl.  People make excuses for me because of all the hormones I’m on.  Hell, I make excuses for myself!  And I hate it.

So, here I am.  I can’t even bring myself to make the phone call.  I almost feel like if I make that call and ask for help, it means I’m weak and I can’t handle this.  And I can handle this.  I’ve been through too much to not be able to handle this now.  But I don’t know if I can keep going the way I’ve been going.  I’m a few breakdowns shy from everyone {including myself} thinking I’ve completely gone off my rocker.  And quitting this process is not an option.  I’m probably way overdue for taking a break from TTC.   I wish I had enough sense to do that, but I want this too bad.  I will not stop until we’ve made a baby.  We will have to exhaust every single option there is out there, and even then I think my uterus will have to fall out before I finally give up.

So maybe I’ll call on Monday.  Maybe.