So, I might be pregnant? But probably not.

Let me explain.

I know, I know, I drop off the blogging planet with only a check in here and there, only to return with a bombshell like this??! What is wrong with me?!

Let me just start with the obvious question: I don’t actually know if I’m pregnant or not. I haven’t peed on a stick in 3 years. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. If I suspect, I should just do it, right? But here’s the thing. When you are an infertile, that dreaded stick and it’s looming will they won’t they pink lines can mean utter devastation. I’m having a lot of feeling stirred up that I haven’t felt since probably this time 3 years ago, when I was on my final cycle that would find me pregnant with my precious baby boy. I don’t like these feelings. Anxiety, dread, excitement, hope. I want to go back and live in my happy little bubble with my crazy, energetic toddler, and make my mind again forget about things like hpt’s, opk’s, ttc, ewcm, af, bfp, bfn, tww, clomid, progesterone, hcg, letrozole, follistim, lovenox, etc, etc, etc, etc. I was happy in that bubble. Until this week.

Monday was a weird day. I woke up STARVING. Like, so hungry that I was beginning to feel sick. So I stopped by Starbucks on my way to work and got an iced vanilla chai latte and a slice of banana bread. By the time I got to work I was feeling pretty yucky and could only nibble on the bread. Ok, that doesn’t mean anything. But then, my breasts started to feel very tender. Huh. Strange.

Since having M, I haven’t gone on any kind of birth control. I have a prescription for Provera so that if I go too long without a period, I can take it and make myself have one. I have 4 refills on it, as my doctor wants me to have at last 4 periods a year. I’ve only used it once. Back in February, I was thinking I should get it filled since it had been about 4 or 5 months since my last (provera induced) period. But, much to my surprise, I started my period on my own! That was fine and all. But I didn’t expect it to happen again. But low and behold, March rolled around and I started my period AGAIN, and again, on my own – no meds! Pretty crazy for a gal with PCOS.

Now, I still chalked these up to flukes and didn’t really keep track of them. My March cycle started out light and brown (sorry, TMI) but I didn’t worry because it had been away since I’d had a normal cycle every month, so it would be normal for there to be old blood. I’m not really sure when I started normal flow. And I didn’t expect anything out of it, or to get lucky enough to have a cycle in April as well.

Well, cut back to this week. Yucky feeling, very sore, tender boobies. Literally, it feels like razor blades are shredding my nipples when my tee shirt rubs against them. So my first though is…is this what PMS feels like? Is it time to start my period again? I’m not really sure because I’ve NEVER had a normal cycle…even as a teenager. So it maybe my body just gearing up for AF. Who knows. But I didn’t even keep track of the last two periods, so I’m not sure if I’m a week away from time or two weeks or what! I’m guessing I’m close to time to start if I was a normal woman with 28 day cycles. But I’m not, so again, who knows.

And here’s the thing that  gets me. The boobies, man. My nipples have NEVER been this sore unless I was on fertility medication or pregnant. Well, I’m not on any medication, ladies. And I’m not saying that means anything, but….what if it means something?! Between the nipples, and the yucky feeling (that’s not necessarily nausea but still a “blech” feeling) I can’t help but have this thought in the back of mind that….maybe I am?

I mean, it would be amazing if I was. I’ve always dreamed of getting pregnant on my own. Of it being a total surprise and surprising my husband that we did it naturally and he didn’t have to make a “deposit” into a specimen cup this time. We made the decision to not sue birth control, and for two years we haven’t actively tried, but we haven’t kept it from happening either. I mean, the odds are not in my favor to get pregnant that easily, so we have thrown caution to wind, if you will.

I’m not sure we were quite ready to start trying again. We had originally thought we would try when M was 18 months old, but I just wasn’t ready at that time, physically or mentally. The whole thought of trying to conceive again just really exhausts me. So now M is two years old, and we are just now dipping our toes into the water on the idea of trying later this year.

We didn’t want to try this spring, because M was conceived in April and born January 2nd, a week after Christmas, making that time of year extra stressful. We wanted to try to avoid adding another holiday birthday to the mix. So if I WAS, it would be absolutely hilarious since we specifically didn’t want to get pregnant right now.

It would be hilarious, but I would be SO HAPPY! A baby is blessing, especially to a family like ours who has struggled so much. I’ve really missed being pregnant, and while the idea of being pregnant with a toddler to chase around is exhausting, I know momma’s do it all the time. The idea of M being a big brother just almost makes my heart explode, because I know he will be amazing at it. The very notion that we could add a fourth to our family just absolutely overflows my soul with joy!

So here I am, with my sore boobies and my yucky stomach, retreating back to the archives of this blog (to almost this exact date 3 years ago) hoping to find some answers…were my boobies this sore then? Was I nauseous then? Are there other signs that I wrote down?

Honestly, there aren’t any answers there for me. Although it was nice to look back on. The only answer to my question lies on that dreaded stick. The one I have yet to pee on. And I’m not sure what I’m waiting on. I think I’m just scared. I’ve almost convinced myself that the impossible has happened, and if I pee on that stick and only see one line, I know what devastation is to come. Sure, this wouldn’t come after 2 and a half years of ttc, and this wouldn’t come after my first cycle after a miscarriage, but I remember those feelings all too well, and I’m afraid I will never NOT be able to react or feel that way about a BFN.

So here I am, just waiting. For what? I’m not sure. I have no idea when my period would be “due” anyway. So its not like I can wait until I’m late. Hell, I could already be late for all I know, and that doesn’t necessarily mean anything either.

I’m sure I’ll pee on that stick soon. Just to make sure. I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m probably setting myself up for. But at some point I’m going to have to do it.

I’ll keep you guys updated!

 

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My First Period

Postpartum that is.

But seriously guys, I started my period on Wednesday.  All by myself.  No medication required.  No birth control,  no Provera, just my body doing it’s thing all on its own.  This is a huge deal to me!!!

I’m not sure if it counts since I just gave birth 10 weeks ago, but I’m choosing to celebrate anyway 🙂 (who in their right mind is excited to see AF??!) For someone with PCOS this is almost a miracle in and of itself!

Before I started TTC I hadn’t had a period on over 2 years. Since TTC I’ve only had one due to the meds I was on. That makes this my first real period in over 5 years.

I’m excited to see what my body does from here on out.  Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I were to have regular cycles and begin ovulating on my own?? Not that I’m ready to TTC again nor am I holding my breath, but its just exciting to think about! (I just realized ho we incredibly sad this post is lol)

So that’s my news. Just wanted to share with all my other infertility pals. 🙂

You Want Me To Put That WHERE?

CD28 and {approximately} 10dpo. Stay tuned, because this post will be covering hard hitting topics like vaginal suppositories and imaginary symptoms! Alright, here we go!

We all have them. And we all drive ourselves crazy trying to decipher them like a crazy kid who’s lost his secret decoder ring. I call them IMAGINARY, because let’s face it, it’s way too early for it to actually be pregnancy symptoms. You would think that with all the knowledge we’ve acquired while TTC we’d be able to logically look at the calendar and realize that we’re crazy and that there is absolutely no way that we could possibly be pregnant at 2dpo. But who cares about logic?! My boobs hurt so I MUST be pregnant! 😉 So here’s a rundown of my imaginary symptoms this cycle so far:

1. Sore Boobies. I triggered on CD16 at 8:00pm. The sore boobs {mostly nipples} started up about 4 days after that, around CD20. I tried to chalk it up to the trigger. But then the Crazy in me was like, why would it take four days for the trigger to affect you? If it was going to give you sore boobies, it probably would’ve happened right away. Logic is stupid. {Note: On Thursday {CD26} I had a very sharp shooting pain in my left boob. It was weird, but worth noting.}

2. Fatigue/Exhaustion. This really started on about CD18 and hasn’t let up. There was literally one afternoon at work that I was so exhausted I almost felt like I had the flu {but didn’t, thank goodness!}. Now, it has been a pretty rough couple of weeks at work. We’ve been really busy, and there was a day that I spent 9 hours straight in surgery with no break. So understandably I’d be tired. But the Crazy in me is like, you’re tired because you’re growing another human being you idiot! Who cares if its 2dpo, you should take a test! 

3. Nausea/Queasiness. This has been happening off and on since late last week, between CD20-21. It doesn’t last long. It just hits me all of a sudden. Then ten minutes later I’m starving and stuffing my face {not good for the diet, by the way…but I’ve lost 14lbs so far!}. Again, I try to chalk it up to all the hormones I’ve been pumping myself full of, but you know what the Crazy person has to say about it.

4. Vivid Dreams. This has happened more nights that not in the past two weeks. I had one dream last Sunday {CD22} during a 3 hour afternoon nap {see Number 2} that I actually thought it had happened when I woke up. I have no logical explanation for this. So Crazy is like, Boom! You’re pregnant.

5. Headaches. Everyday this week, starting at CD23. Crazy: It’s probably not work or stress. You know you’re pregnant.

6. Cramping.  Period-like cramps/bloaty feeling since the weekend/beginning of this week {CD22-23ish). Probably my period coming, I’d like to believe. But…

Most all of these symptoms started late last week/weekend. On Monday I had my bloodwork done to check my progesterone. It was 11. My doc likes for it to be 15 or higher. So on Tuesday {CD24} I went to the pharmacy to pick up the new addition to my medicine regime. Progesterone Suppositories. Aren’t those just a big barrel of fun?! {Note: I should’ve actually started these on Monday, but the lab didn’t fax my results same day like they were supposed to, so H didn’t get my results in time to send in my script. This crazy hormone filled lady called said lab and gave some poor soul an earful that I can promise you they will never forget.}

Since starting these little gem suppositories {100mg, twice a day}, all the symptoms I’ve been having seem to be amplified. I am trying SO HARD not to read too much into it, but geez. So I broke down and peed on a frickin’ stick yesterday. It was a First Response. Only 1 pink line. White as snow. BFN.

Now, I’m trying hard to not be discouraged. And I’m also trying hard not to get my hopes up. Those are two very difficult things to do simultaneously. Technically I was only 9dpo yesterday. {I triggered CD16 at 8:00pm. Should have ovulated between 24-36 hours later, either late on CD17 or on CD18. So I’m counting CD18 as O day. I didn’t do OPK’s, so I have to go with my best guess.}  I’ve read that a lot of women don’t get their BFP until 12-14dpo. So I’m trying not to sweat about it yet. I’d like to just enjoy my weekend and not even test again until my Beta on Tuesday {CD31, 13dpo}.

But we all know that will  never happen. So for now, I’m going to take it one day at a time. I’m not testing today. Period. What I am going to do is get dressed and leave this house because I have a hair appointment in an hour and a half, and I’m stoked {my hair needs help…badly!}.

Have a great weekend! Wish me luck on not compulsively testing! 😉

Weird Cycles & Crappy Insurance

In an earlier post I said that I should be getting AF on or about September 6th.  Imagine my surprise when that little devil actually showed up on September 6th!  That’s pretty much unheard of, for me anyway.  I haven’t been able to predict my period in….ever.  But sure enough, there she was, right on time.  But here’s the thing…

The last two cycles I’ve been on Letrozole.  My last two periods {this one included} have been….strange.  Started out very light and spotty, and instead of getting heavier, have stayed very light and spotty.  This is day 3, and the only thing I’ve had to wear is a tiny little panty liner.  Before the letrozole, when AF showed up, she showed up guns-a-blazin’.  Flood gates opened and it was on.  Granted, most of the time I had to take Provera to start my period…even while I was on Clomid, because at least half the time I wasn’t ovulating on it {hence the Letrozole}.  I’m just confused and almost feel like I’m cheating since its a barely-there period.  Anyone else had this happen while on Letrozole {Femara}??

Ok.  On to my crappy insurance rant.

My stupid workplace has been trying to switch our insurance for a while now to something that is cheaper for them.  They pay 100% of my insurance.  To clear that up, I pay NOTHING for health insurance.  Nothing gets taken out of my check every two weeks.  Whereas most companies pay 80% for employees, and the rest is deducted from their paycheck every pay period, my employer pays 100% for us for medical and dental {does not imclude spouse/family, only employee coverage}.  Which is fantastic.  I appreciate it, I really do, because I know the workplaces that do this are few and far between. Which is why I feel a tiny bit of guilt bitching about my insurance, since its free and all….but here we go.

Like I said, my employer has been trying to switch insurances for the last couple years, but they haven’t been able to because they’ve had some “high risk” employees {people with ridiculous medical conditions that went to the doctor/had surgeries all the damn time} on the payroll and no other insurance company would touch us.  For a little while there I thought I might be one of the “high risk” employees, since I’m in my OB/GYN’s office almost as much as I’m in my own!

Well, lo and behold, within the last year we’ve had two employees quit and about a week and half ago we were signing up for our new insurance.  Absolutely no warning whatsoever.  They just started pulling us into the conference room one day to fill out paperwork and said effective September 1st, you’re covered by the new crappy insurance!  Initially, I was swept up by panic, because I have no idea if Dr. L is covered under the new insurance, and there is no WAY I can change doctors after two years of treatment with this man.  Then, the thought of IVF hit me…because we aren’t there YET, but my old insurance did cover it {80% up to $15000} so I knew if it came to that we could at least try once without going COMPLETELY broke.  I was pretty pissed off, because this new change was A.) Unexpected, and B.) Screwing everything up for me {yes, me me me me me! I’m back to my selfish phase}.

Luckily, Dr. L is in network and IVF is covered, but with very strict stipulations that I luckily{?} qualify for {though the overall coverage of this new insurance blows}.  So yesterday I go to Walgreens to pick up my Letrozole, since I started AF on Thursday and will start the Letrozole on Monday.  I give the lady at Walgreens my new insurance info {which is typed out on official stationary from my employer since we haven’t even gotten our cards yet} and she promptly tell me that my new crappy insurance requires a prior authorization for the medication.  Fuck. Me. {sorry for the four letter word, but SERIOUSLY.}

She starts to explain to me what the prior authorization means, and I stop her and tell her I work in a doctor’s office, I know exactly what it means.  It means that I am going to end up paying $80 for FIVE pills.  Because it’s Friday and its after 5, and my doctor’s office isn’t going to get the prior authorization form to fill out until Monday, and they probably won’t get around to filling it out and faxing it in until later that afternoon {because I work in a busy doctor’s office and I know that’s how it goes}, and if by some SLIM chance of a miracle by the Powers That Be decide that this medication will be covered by the new crappy insurance, it will already be too late because I HAVE to start taking it on Monday.

I did what any desperate self respecting girl would do and I called in a favor.  I happen to work with and be pretty good friends with Nurse D’s {Dr. L’s nurse} daughter.  Since it was just a few minutes past 5 I tried calling Dr. L’s office but they already had the phones shut off.  So I called my friend A and explained the sitch to her asked if she knew if her mom was still at work or not.  I know she stays late sometimes because she’s called me well past 6 o’clock before from the office.  A said she’d call her cell and see and have her call me if she was.  I figured if she could at least get the prior authorization form faxed in now instead of waiting til Monday, it might speed things up a little.  Unfortunately Nurse D had already left work.  But I figured it was worth a shot.

Oh, well.  I don’t expect that it will be covered anyway.  Especially since I’m using it for infertility reasons instead of it’s actual use {breast cancer} but my old awesome insurance hadn’t caught on to that yet.  It just sucks because I paid $10 last month for the same 5 pills I’m gonna have to pay $80 for this month.  I can’t wait to see what other surpises this new insurance has in store for me!

Ok. End rant.

Everyone have a great weekend!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

What a week its been! I swear, its a good thing today was Friday, because I never would’ve been able to make it another day. Let’s get this out of the way…IUI #1 was a bust. BFN‘s all around. Boo. A quick rundown of the week:

Friday(August 3rd) – 14 days past IUI. CD29. I had pretty much tested every morning for the past 4 days. All BFN’s. All week long I had been cramping like crazy, and I felt like I was going to start any moment. So every time I went to the bathroom I was looking for it, but secretly praying that it wouldn’t be there. Consequently, I’m pretty sure I went to the bathroom at least 25 times while at work that day. AF did not show, though. Such a tease.

Saturday(August 4th) – 15 days past IUI. CD30. BFN. For some unholy reason I volunteered to work this day. The clinic is normally closed on Saturday but we had a back to school special going on so this weekend was an exception. I found out very quickly that I NEED my Satudays off. Somewhere in the middle of the morning I had a crazy sharp pain down in my uterus. Like a stop me in my tracks and bend over sort of pain. It only last for a minute or two. And I had absolutely no idea what it meant or whether it was a good or bad sign. Later that evening at home I had a tiny bit of spotting. Finally, AF had arrived! I wasn’t particularly glad to see her, but I was just glad the waiting was over and I could finally get on with my life. Or so I thought.

Sunday(August 5th) – 16 days past IUI. CD31. Did not test this day. Expected AF to be flowing hardcore when I woke up. But she was nowhere to be found. And she never stopped back in. No spotting. Nothing.

Monday(August 6th) – 17 days past IUI. CD32. BFN. Oh .My. God. Monday came around awfully quick. Still no AF, but I did have a faint pink “discharge” that was coming and going all day. This seemed strange to me. When I start a cycle, I START. It’s on. I mean, its absolutely ridiculous for the first few days. I wasn’t sure what to make of this dainty pink stuff that may or may not be there. So I called the office. Nurse D calls me back and says Dr. L wants me to come in for a blood test, just to make sure.  {In other news, the knocked up new girl that I’ve been training was let go today. She just wasn’t doing the job and she wasn’t anywhere near where she should’ve been after over a month. And I honestly just don’t think she wanted to be there. This is majorly selfish of me, but a big part of me was happy to see her go. If only because it was so unbearable to watch her walk around all accidently pregnant while I can’t get that way no matter how hard I try. I sincerely do hope she figures it all out and things work out for her in the end. I’m just kinda glad I’m not gonna be right in the middle of it.}

Tuesday(August 7th) – 18 days past IUI. CD33. Blood test comes back negative. Dr. L doesn’t feel comfortable with this abnormal bleeding I’m having though, so he says to wait it out and call him back on CD35 and let him know what’s going on then. So at this point I have nothing to show for any of this except unanswered questions and a big fat bruise:

Does this color look good on me?

Thursday(August 8th) – CD35. Turns out, AF showed up in full swing late Tuesday night. The flood gates opened. So I called Dr. L today and they sent in my Letrozole. Ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday the 17th. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I had an absolute horror show of a meltdown at work. I literally started crying right in the middle of surgery. Not sad, sobbing crying. It was angry crying. Every little thing was setting me off. I even snapped at one of my closest friends, who I happen to work with. This girl and I went to college together, we work together, I was in her wedding, and we have NEVER ever had any sort of tuft between us. But I was on the warpath and apparently it didn’t matter who was in the line of fire. Oh…poor hubby later that night. It was a bad day.

So here we are again. Back on CD5 {we ended up counting Monday’s spotting as CD1}. I started my Letrozole {Femara} tonight and will continue it until CD9. I’m a little concerned because Dr. L will be off all next week, so he won’t be there when I go in for my ultrasound on CD12. Whoever the on-call doc is will look at my u/s and decide what to do from there. I’m sure whoever it is is perfectly capable, but I just feel uncomfortable with anyone but Dr. L calling the shots on my IUI. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

This week has exhausted me. I’m so thrilled that its Friday again and that I get my FULL weekend! I’m gonna try to get through it without crying {too much} or being {too} mean to anyone.  HA!