Big. Fat. Negative.

Well, I took the plunge and tested yesterday evening. I stopped by the dollar store and bought 2 cheapy tests for $1 a piece. I couldn’t bring myself to spend the cash on an FRER when I knew I was probably setting myself up for disappointment.

I’m kinda sad, I’ll admit. I was looking forward to giving the news to my husband. To happily answering “Nope!” to our friends and family when they asked if we had to use fertility treatments again. And honestly, I was just excited about the possibility of another baby. I’ve been on the fence for a while, but this just set it in stone. My family is not complete yet. I’m ready to add to it.

I’m back in that place again. I know it could take over my every thought easily if I let it. But I can’t this time. I’m a mother and my son is my world. It will be very different the next time around.

So now I wait. Me and my glass filled boobies ¬†(ha) will wait. For what? I don’t know. Maybe AF is coming. Maybe that’s why my boobies hurt. And let’s be honest, if that were the case that’s still a win for a girl with pcos who never has a cycle.

There’s still that nagging voice in the back of my head saying..what if it’s just early? You don’t even know when your period is due. Maybe that cheap dollar store test couldn’t pick up the hcg. You didn’t use first morning urine, and EVERYONE knows you’re supposed to use first morning urine! And your boobies do hurt… and you felt a little queasy yesterday and seemed a little sensitive to smells when your co worker sprayed that Meadows and rain febreeze. Don’t count your uterus out yet! You do still have one cheap dollar store test left….

Another problem with being an infertile…. you can pretty much talk yourself into having symptoms! I know I’ve done it MANY TIMES before. So I may be doing it now. I’m pretty good at it.

For now, I’m believing the negative test. And for now, I’ll wait. Wait for AF. Wait for my “symptoms” to go away. Wait to take that last dollar store test.

And maybe wait until this summer to start trying to have another baby. ūüėä

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So, I might be pregnant? But probably not.

Let me explain.

I know, I know, I drop off the blogging planet with only a check in here and there, only to return with a bombshell like this??! What is wrong with me?!

Let me just start with the obvious question: I don’t actually know if I’m pregnant or not. I haven’t peed on a stick in 3 years. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. If I suspect, I¬†should just do it, right? But¬†here’s the thing. When you are an infertile, that dreaded stick and it’s looming will they won’t they pink lines can mean utter devastation. I’m having a lot of¬†feeling stirred up that I haven’t felt since probably this time 3 years ago, when I was on my final cycle that would find me pregnant with my precious baby boy. I don’t like these feelings. Anxiety, dread, excitement, hope. I want to go back and live in my happy little bubble with my crazy, energetic toddler, and¬†make my mind again forget about things like hpt’s, opk’s, ttc, ewcm, af, bfp, bfn, tww, clomid, progesterone, hcg, letrozole, follistim, lovenox, etc, etc, etc, etc. I was happy in that bubble. Until this week.

Monday was a weird day. I woke up STARVING. Like, so hungry that I was beginning to feel sick. So I stopped by Starbucks on my way to work and got an iced vanilla chai latte and a slice of banana bread. By the time I got to work I was feeling pretty yucky and could only nibble on the bread. Ok, that doesn’t mean anything. But then, my breasts started to feel very tender. Huh. Strange.

Since having M, I haven’t gone on any kind of birth control. I have a prescription for¬†Provera so that if I go too long without a period, I can take it and make myself have one. I have 4 refills on it, as my doctor wants me to have at last 4 periods a year. I’ve only used it once. Back in February, I was thinking I should get it filled since¬†it had¬†been about 4 or 5 months since my¬†last (provera induced) period. But, much to my surprise, I started my¬†period on my own! That was fine and all.¬†But I didn’t expect it to happen again. But low and behold, March rolled around and I started my period AGAIN, and again, on my own – no meds! Pretty crazy for a gal with PCOS.

Now, I still chalked these up to flukes and didn’t really keep track of them. My March cycle started out light and brown (sorry, TMI) but I didn’t worry because it had been away since I’d had a normal cycle every month, so it would be¬†normal for there to be old blood. I’m not really sure when I started normal flow. And I didn’t expect anything out of it, or to get lucky enough to have a cycle in April as well.

Well, cut back to this week. Yucky feeling, very sore, tender boobies. Literally, it feels like razor blades are shredding my nipples when my tee shirt rubs against them. So my first though is…is this what PMS feels like? Is it time to start my period again? I’m not really sure because I’ve NEVER had a normal cycle…even as a teenager. So it maybe my body just gearing up for AF. Who knows. But I didn’t even keep track of the last two periods, so I’m not sure if I’m a week away from time or two weeks or what! I’m guessing I’m close to time to start if I was a normal woman with 28 day cycles. But I’m not, so again, who knows.

And here’s the thing that¬† gets me. The boobies, man. My nipples have NEVER been this sore unless I was on fertility medication or pregnant. Well, I’m not on any medication, ladies. And I’m not saying that means anything, but….what if it means something?! Between the nipples, and the yucky feeling (that’s not necessarily nausea but still a “blech” feeling) I can’t help but have this thought in the back of mind that….maybe I am?

I mean, it would be amazing if I was. I’ve always dreamed of getting pregnant on my own. Of it being a total surprise and surprising my husband that we did it naturally and he didn’t have to make a “deposit” into a specimen cup this time. We made the decision to not sue birth control, and for two years we haven’t actively tried, but we haven’t kept it from happening either. I mean, the odds are not in my favor to get pregnant that easily, so we have thrown caution to wind, if you will.

I’m not sure we were quite ready to start trying again. We had originally thought we would try when M was 18 months old, but I just wasn’t ready at that time, physically or mentally. The whole thought of trying to conceive again just really exhausts me. So now M is two years old, and we are just now dipping our toes into the water on the idea of trying later this year.

We didn’t want to try this spring, because M was conceived in April and born January 2nd, a week after Christmas, making that time of year extra stressful. We wanted to try to avoid adding another holiday birthday to the mix. So if I WAS, it would be absolutely hilarious since we specifically didn’t want to get pregnant right now.

It would be hilarious, but I would be SO HAPPY! A baby is blessing, especially to a family like ours who has struggled so much. I’ve really missed being pregnant, and while the idea of being pregnant with¬†a toddler to chase around is exhausting, I know momma’s do it all the time. The idea of M being a big brother just almost makes my heart explode, because I know he will be amazing at it. The very notion that we could add a fourth to our family just absolutely overflows my soul with joy!

So here I am, with my sore boobies and my yucky stomach, retreating back to the archives of this blog (to almost this exact date 3 years ago) hoping to find some answers…were my boobies this sore then? Was I nauseous then? Are there other signs that I wrote down?

Honestly, there aren’t any answers there for me. Although it was nice to look back on. The only answer to my question lies on that dreaded stick. The one I have yet to pee on. And I’m not sure what I’m waiting on. I think I’m just scared. I’ve almost convinced myself that the impossible has happened, and if I pee on that stick and only see one line, I know what devastation is to come. Sure, this wouldn’t come after 2 and a half years of ttc, and this wouldn’t come after my first cycle after a miscarriage, but I remember those feelings all too well, and I’m afraid I will never NOT be able to react or feel that way about a BFN.

So here I am, just waiting. For what? I’m not sure. I have no idea when my period would be “due” anyway. So its not like I can wait until I’m late. Hell, I could already be late for all I know, and that doesn’t necessarily mean anything either.

I’m sure I’ll pee on that stick soon. Just to make sure. I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m probably setting myself up for. But at some point I’m going to have to do it.

I’ll keep you guys updated!

 

I Still Hate Pregnant People

Ok. I try not to HATE. But you know what I mean.

I still cringe when someone announces that they are pregnant on Facebook. Especially when they announce that they are 5 WEEKS pregnant on Facebook. Seriously?! You’re going to take that chance? Oh, that’s right. Not everyone has¬†stupid lazy¬†ovaries and a history of pregnancy loss. Not everyone feels the need to proceed with caution as I did. Oh, to be blissfully ignorant.

With all that being said, I think what I feel the most is jealousy.

As miserable as I was through most of it, I really miss being pregnant.¬† I love that my sweet baby boy is finally here safe and sound, but there is just something about being pregnant that is just magical. Maybe because I wasn’t sure if I ever would be.

But it did happen for me. After 3 long years, I had a surprisingly uneventful pregnancy (except for some blood pressure issues at the end, but even that wasn’t too bad). So why do I still roll my eyes or look on enviously at every pregnant woman I see?

Because PREGNANCY is the white rabbit. Not actually giving birth, not taking my precious baby home, although those things are priceless to me. But pregnancy is what eluded me for so long. Pregnancy is what my focus was on every single day for 3 years. Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. I would worry about the rest when and if the time came. Until then, I was forever chasing that white rabbit.

But you know what? I caught him.

I finally got my happy ending. I got my BFP. I carried my baby to term (and one day past!). I delivered him safely and soundly, even if it was a scary situation for a while. I brought him home and we started our life together. I’ve got everything I’ve always wanted and I couldn’t be happier!! And even if I’m never able to have another child, I’ve got my little miracle boy and that’s all I’ll ever need.

I have no right to still feel the way I do about pregnant women. No right at all. But I do. I do still feel that way, and I may feel that way forever. I may be 75 years old and see a glowing round belly walk past me and still feel an ache in my heart. It may be a hurt that never goes away.

So for now I’ll continue to shake my head and roll my eyes at the never ending pregnancy announcements on Facebook.

My First Period

Postpartum that is.

But seriously guys, I started my period on Wednesday. ¬†All by myself. ¬†No medication required. ¬†No birth control, ¬†no Provera, just my body doing it’s thing all on its own. ¬†This is a huge deal to me!!!

I’m not sure if it counts since I just gave birth 10 weeks ago, but I’m choosing to celebrate anyway ūüôā (who in their right mind is excited to see AF??!) For someone with PCOS this is almost a miracle in and of itself!

Before I started TTC I hadn’t had a period on over 2 years. Since TTC I’ve only had one due to the meds I was on. That makes this my first real period in over 5 years.

I’m excited to see what my body does from here on out. ¬†Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I were to have regular cycles and begin ovulating on my own?? Not that I’m ready to TTC again nor am I holding my breath, but its just exciting to think about! (I just realized ho we incredibly sad this post is lol)

So that’s my news. Just wanted to share with all my other infertility pals. ūüôā

Working Momma

So this week was my first week back to work, and boy was it hard!!!

My first day back was ok. I teared up a lot on the drive to work but managed to hold it together. I will venture to say it was even nice to have a reason to get up and get dressed, fix my hair and makeup, socialize with people outside of my household. It was definitely weird being back. After 14 weeks, part of me felt like I never left and part of me felt like they never missed me, although several people told me otherwise.

At lunchtime I called Hubby to see how he and M were doing.¬†They had had a rough night the night before and hubs was a little tired.¬†He also told me after getting home that night that M had a fit of epic proportions that afternoon for no apparent reason and nothing would console him, not even a bottle. I’m choosing to believe that he simply missed his mommy and wanted to know where she was all damn day long.

The hard part came when I got home. I just wanted to hold him and not put him down. But by the time I get home at night, we have approximately 3 hours until M’s bedtime. And in that amount of time we have to get dinner ready, eat, get M ready for his bedtime routine, get my shower and my work things together for the next day… There’s just not enough time. No time to play and smile and giggle. It just broke my heart.

My second day was harder than the first. I had a meeting at lunch so I didn’t get to call and check in on the boys.¬†I was¬†being prepped for a new position that I was being put in at work. It was a position that I have wanted for a very long time, and am pretty sure when it came open last year the only reason it wasn’t given to me (as promised a few months before) was because I was pregnant. They would never admit it, of course, but I’m pretty positive that’s the reasoning. Well, the surprise was on them, because the girl the DID give the job to told them she was pregnant a few weeks later! She went on maternity leave the same time as me and decided not to come back and stay home full time. (Lots of jealousy here.)

So this week I’ve been in my new office learning about my new job. It’s something I already know how to do, because I filled in previously for a different girl while she was on maternity leave as well (did I mention how many people got pregnant at my job while I was TTC?? It was horrible!). But there is a LOT more work to it than I thought, things I wasn’t expected to know or do while I was just filling in. And while its something I can definitely do and be good at and enjoy, its just hard to concentrate on everything when you wish you were home snuggling your baby.

Not to mention, I’m only working 4 days a week now instead of 5. And this job definitely takes 5 days a week to get done every week.¬†So that worried me.

I came home from my second day of work and held my baby and just cried. My husband looked worn out. He was having a rough time being home full time with M. He had one more night and day with him by himself and then he had to go back to work on Thursday working 12 hour shifts. He was exhausted. And he said something to me that I never thought I’d hear my husband say.

He suggested that maybe I should only work part time. No more than 3 days a week. This would mean giving up my insurance and benefits (which my job pays 100% of) and being added onto Hubby’s insurance which would cost us more money. When we got pregnant and I brought up me possibly only working 4 days a week he was totally against that even, saying that we couldn’t afford it. Once the baby was here he came around because it meant we didn’t have to pay for child care and only had one day a week to worry about a sitter. When it was closer to time to go back to work, I begged to stay home (which I really don’t thing we can afford) or work part time, and again he said we couldn’t afford it. But that was before he had to spend 3 days and nights taking care of M all by himself so that I could sleep and go to work.

Now he thinks me being home more is a WONDERFUL idea! ūüôā

He admitted that he wasn’t sure he could do it every single week and I don’t blame him. He’s not a mommy. And M is a lot of hard work. And taking care of him for 3 days straight and then going to work 12 hour days for 4 days straight would get old very quickly. I don’t think he would be a very good daddy or husband after a while.

So he suggested I talk to work about cutting back to 3 days a week. It would be tight, but we budgeted and as long as we stay on top of things, we’ll be just fine.

PLUS, my daddy stopped by this week, knowing I want to stay home more and wanting to help however he could. So he offered to pay off my student loans, which is one of my big debts. There were a lot of tears on both parts. He said it was something he couldn’t do while I was in school but he’s in a position to do now and he wanted to pay for my school.

Things just seemed to fall together.

Long story short, I’d have to give up the position I just got (because there is NO way I could do the job part time. NO. WAY.) and go back to the floor, which I don’t love.¬†But, I would get another extra day home with my baby. And in the long run that just seems more important to me.

So now I am officially a working momma who only work PART TIME. ūüėÄ

Starting Monday I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.¬† I’ve given up my benefits and the job position I’ve wanted for a couple of years. But now I get to be home more with my baby who grows every day. My husband and I get a day where we’re actually off work together and can spend that time as a family.

I still wish I could stay home full time, but I’ve accepted that will never happen. So I’m going to gloat and enjoy the fact that 3 days a week isn’t so much, and that I’ll be home the majority of every week with my baby. ūüôā

Here’s a pic of my little monkey butt from our day home together on Thursday of this week. Can’t wait for more days together with this sweet guy!!!

monkeybutt

Birth Control

The thought of having to worry about birth control is actually hilarious to me. Also, the thought of getting pregnant again {right now} frightens me. A lot.

That being said…

We have opted to NOT go on birth control. No pill. No mini pill. No nuva ring. Nothing.

What, are we crazy?! Maybe. Do I want to get pregnant again while caring for a newborn?  Absolutely not. But I do have my reasons.

I’ve never liked being on the pill. And I liked it even less when I found out I’d pretty much been taking it for nothing all those years. ¬†I’m not good at remembering to take my medications. I did so well while TTC and while pregnant because it wasn’t about me then. Now that Mason is here I can barely remember my prenatal vitamin every day.

Another reason is the Factor V and clotting issue. Dr. L said if I changed my mind he’d put me on a progesterone only pill for this very reason. Still not interested.

And finally, ¬†I just need a break. For 3 years I pumped myself full of medications and hormones and hormones and more hormones. It made me crazy and an absolute wreck. I don’t even remember what it was like to feel “normal”. I know you IF mommas/future mommas get this.

So I decided that’s it. I’m done putting this stuff into my body everyday. At least for a little while. I guess I just need a cleanse of some sort. I want to get back to ME. Or at least some version of the person I’m pretty sure I used to be. The emotional roller coaster of dealing with infertility and loss changed me, yes, but the constant flow of medications I was on changed me in a way I couldn’t control. It affected the way I dealt with things. The way I treated the people in my life. So yeah, I’m done with the hormones for now. And that means birth control.

I talked it over with the hubby. I don’t think we have anything to worry about as far as accidently getting pregnant. After all, it took us 3 years to get our take home baby with LOTS of medical intervention. BUT… there’s always that chance. You hear the stories. We’ve heard it a million times while TTC. My brother’s best friend’s cousin had trouble getting pregnant with their first, then they magically got pregnant with their second a week after they had the baby!¬† Or something to that extent. So I told Hubs that if he really wanted me to go back on the pill, I would. I don’t want to, and he said he was ok with that. But I was clear that he had to be ok with the very slim chance that we could “accidently” get pregnant in the next year before we’re ready. Surprisingly, he said he was ok with taking that chance.

His sentiments were kind of the same as mine. We don’t want another baby right now. It was be hard. Having just one is hard! But, if by some crazy chance we got pregnant on our own with my polycystic ovaries and my one lonely fallopian tube, who are we to be upset about that?? It would be a miracle, and we would treat it as such. I would be one crazy momma a year from now, but we would be grateful for the miracle. ūüėČ

So that’s that. We are not going back on birth control. And we are not actively trying to get pregnant. A year from now we plan to sit down and decide if we want to try for a second baby. Until then, whatever happens, happens!

The (Unfinished) Nursery

So I figured I’d put up a few pictures of the nursery, even though it’s nowhere near finished yet.¬† For the most part we’ve got most of what we need already, I just really slacked off and didn’t get any of the decorating done that I wanted.¬† There’s pretty much NOTHING on the walls yet.¬† And I don’t expect it to¬†get done before he’s here, so it is what it is right now!¬† I don’t think he’s going to mind one bit either way. ūüėČ

 

nursery 20131227_142344 20131227_142317 20131227_142302 20131227_142240

So that’s it!¬† I had a vision in my head of what I wanted to do very early on.¬† I just haven’t gotten around to finishing that vision lol.¬† I’m happy with my color scheme though and I plan to put his name above his crib once he’s here (still between Mason and Chace…we’ll know once we meet him!).

Another thing I wanted to show off is the high chair that my uncle made for the baby!  He gave it to us on Christmas and I am in love with it!  Not only is it one of a kind, but it is adorable and will be able to be passed down and used for many years.  I love special gifts like this so much!

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39 Weeks 2 Days

And still no baby!¬† I’m pretty sure he has no plans of leaving anytime soon.¬† Stubborn little guy.

I have been CRAZY miserable this last week.¬† I’m so uncomfortable and I can’t sleep at night at all anymore.¬† My entire pelvic region hurts like crazy.¬† I don’t know how I can’t be dilated already.¬† There is so much pressure and achiness down there when I stand up I can barely walk sometimes.¬† It literally feels like my vagina is breaking in half.¬† Sorry for the TMI, but that’s the only way I know how to describe it.¬† I also just got over a sinus infection, which made me feel like death.¬† Dr. L sent me in a zpak and I finally started to feel better.¬† I’m not sure there’s much worse than being pregnant and sick at the same time.

My last appointment was on Monday and I ended up seeing a different doctor than expected, but I liked him a lot so that’s ok.¬† He said my cervix was thinning (Hubby swears he said 50% but I don’t recall hearing him say that) but I was still completely closed.¬† Sealed up tight.¬† He gave me the rundown on what to watch for as far as labor goes and where to go/who to call, and told me to see Dr. L again on Monday the 30th.¬† I talked to him a little about my concerns of coming off the lovenox, and he said while there is risk to coming off, there is also risk to not coming off.¬† He said the most important thing was to monitor fetal movement and if it slows down don’t hesitate to call.¬† He told me a good rule of thumb is count kicks/rolls/movements for 1 hour after a meal (when baby should be most active) and I should count at least 5 in an hour.¬† If any less he said call and not to feel silly about it.¬† So I’ve been pretty obsessed with counting kicks, and so far so good.¬† I always count 5 within 15 minutes or so, so I take that as a good sign.¬† That doesn’t help me feel any less paranoid though.¬† And I still poke and prod on him a lot if I don’t feel him for a while.

The closer I get to labor the more nervous I get.¬† If I let myself thing about it too much I really start to freak out.¬† I’m scared, admittedly.¬† Not just of the birth itself, but of all the things that can still go wrong.¬† I know I shouldn’t think that way but it’s difficult not to.¬† I made it SO far and I can’t help but still expect something bad to happen.¬† Infertility does this to you I guess.¬† I’m trying to think positively though and not dwell.¬† I have a good doctor and I trust that I’ll have good people taking care of me.

 

Week 38:

Baby is about 18.9 to 20.9 inches long and weighs about 6.2 to 9.2 pounds. His head is now about the same circumference as his abdomen. He may have about an inch or so of hair already. He’s slowly shedding that white goo on his skin (called vernix caseosa) but you might see some of it at birth.

Week 39:

Baby keeps growing, despite being so crowded in there. He probably weighs around 6.2 to 9.2 pounds and measures about 18.9 to 20.9 inches. He’s probably able to flex his limbs now.¬† His brain is still rapidly developing — he’s getting smarter by the week! His nails may extend past his fingertips.

How far along? 39 weeks (and 2 days)…and still waiting!

Total weight gain: As of this morning +14lbs

Maternity clothes? Just yoga pants/pajamas/big tshirts mostly. I don’t have a reason to get up and get ready most days since I’m on bed rest. But if I do go out it’s my maternity leggings and a long tunic top.

 Stretch marks?  No new ones. But my old ones are stretching out a bit.

Sleep:¬†¬†What sleep?! Seriously. I cannot sleep at night anymore.¬†I maybe get 2-3 hours then I’m wide awake because I’m so uncomfortable.¬†I usually fall back asleep around 7am and sleep until 10 or 11. My sleep schedule is ridiculous right now.

Best moment this week: Christmas was fun, even if I was miserable and a little cranky all day.

Miss Anything? Sleeping on my stomach. Sleeping period. Being able to walk out of the room without losing my breath. SO MANY THINGS! lol..

Movement:¬†¬†Yep.¬† Sometimes I feel like it’s slowing down a bit but I’ve been keeping a close eye on him.

Food cravings:  Anything sweet. And carbs.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing in particular but I have had a couple of nausea spells the last weeks or so.

Gender prediction: Sweet baby boy!

Labor Signs:  Contractions. Pelvic pressure/pain. Diarrhea (still).

Symptoms: Have I mentioned hemorrhoids yet?  Yeah, those are a blast.  Frequent urination.  Sciatic nerve pain. Heartburn and indigestion.  Shortness of breath.  Braxton Hicks/actual contractions.

Belly Button in or out?  In, but it looks weird.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit when I first put them on. After a few hours they get tight.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy!  And tired.  And anxious.

Looking forward to:  Meeting this little guy!

Next appointment: Monday December 30th.

 

Raising a Boy

Since I found out I was pregnant and decided to share it with others, the first thing people asked was whether it was a girl or boy, or which I wanted, a girl or a boy.¬† I always answered that I didn’t care what it was, as long as he or she was healthy.¬† And I truly meant it.¬† People say it all the time, but I think most have some idea in their head of what they wish their baby will be…especially if it’s not your first.¬† But for someone like me (and many of you) who’s struggled so hard to get to this point, there’s no way I could have ever been disappointed in the sex of this baby.

With that said, I feel like most women hope to have a girl.¬† Maybe it’s because as girls ourselves, we feel like we’d be more comfortable raising a girl.¬† We’ll know what to do with a girl.¬† We know all about shoes and dresses and Barbies and hairbows.¬† It’s only natural for a girl to want another girl.¬† I’ve had people I know flat out admit that they absolutely wanted a girl.¬† I’ve seen the disappointment in people that I know when I announced I was having a boy, my own mother included.¬† A girl that I work with actually said to me that another co-worker’s baby was going to be getting all of her money because there was just too much cute stuff for girls and nothing cute for boys (this co-worker, ironically really really wanted a boy, believe it or not).¬† I’ve watched people cock their head to the side and say, “Aww,” in a sympathetic way when I tell them it’s a boy, I guess because they assume that as a woman, I wanted to have a girl.

Newsflash.  As a woman, I wanted to have a baby.

And I am SO excited to be having a son.  I am so excited to have that special bond that boys only have with their mom.  To be the most important woman in his life for the next how ever many years.

With all that being said, there are still things that make me nervous about raising a boy.¬† A friend was over the other day with her little¬†girl, who is in kindergarten.¬† Little L whispered to me that she had a secret, and then proceeded to tell me that she liked a boy in her class because “he’s handsome.”¬† My friend was shocked, since this was the first she’d heard of the handsome little boy.¬† Then Little L started talking about kissing and getting married.¬† My friend almost had a heart attack.¬† The kid is five, and it’s all innocent, but when you have an adolescence like my friend did (haha) you can’t help but worry when your daughter starts talking about crushes and boys and kissing, no matter how old she is.¬† I made a joke that she was going to have her hands full since she seems to be just like her momma.¬† My friend said how lucky I am to be having a boy.¬† And while I do think the teenage years might be a little easier with a boy, I admitted that I was still a little nervous about raising a boy.¬† “Because you don’t know what to do with a boy?”¬† is what my friend assumed, who has admitted before that she was SO glad she had a girl because she wouldn’t know what to do with a boy.¬† Here we go back to the girls feel more comfortable with girls.¬† That’s not what it is though.

I’m nervous because of the kind of man I want to raise my boy into.

For lack of a more graceful way of saying it, my exact words to my friend were, “I don’t want him to grow up to be a douchebag.”

But seriously.¬† We all know those guys.¬† Those boys we grew up with.¬† The boys who broke our hearts.¬† The boys we thought we could change.¬† I don’t want mine to be one of those.¬† And I have NO idea how to make sure he doesn’t turn into one.

I want him to be a boy, yes.  But I want him to be sweet and polite as well.

I want him to open doors for girls.  For women.  For elderly people who may need a little extra help.

I don’t want to be too strict, but I want him to be a gentleman and say “yes, ma’am” when it’s called for.

I want him to never feel like he’s better than anyone else because of the house he lives in or the clothes he wears or the car he drives.

I want him to be nice to girls.¬† All the girls.¬† Even the girls he may not find attractive.¬† I don’t want¬†him to lead anyone¬†on, but¬†I still want him to be nice to them and respect them.¬† Because all women are beautiful in their own right, and I want him to be the kind of man who recognizes that.

I know I can’t keep ugly words from ever coming out of his mouth, but I want him to be the kind of guy who takes the high road.¬† Who stands up for others who may not be able to stand up for themselves.¬† Who stands up for himself and his beliefs without hurting others.

There are so many other things that I can’t even put into words.¬† I’ve been way too weepy lately to even get through this whole post.¬† But the short and sweet of it is that raising a boy scares me to death, but not for the reasons that people might think. (I’m sure raising a girl would be just as scary for me as well, for similar reasons)

It may seem like I’m putting a lot of expectations on this little guy who’s not even here yet, but really it’s all on me.¬† It’s up to me to instill these things in him, starting right from the beginning.

I’m scared, yes.

But this is what we’ve all been waiting for, right? ūüôā

38 Weeks

And still closed for business.

Yep, as of my appointment yesterday, my cervix is still locked up tight.  This kid has no plans of going anywhere anytime soon!

I guess I’m ok with that.¬† We still technically have 2 more weeks for things to happen.¬† I was just SO sure he was going to get here much earlier than that.¬† And we were really hoping he would get here before the 1st of the year.¬† If he doesn’t, he doesn’t, and that’s ok with me.¬† Just goes to show, no matter what mom and dad have planned, with kids you just never know what’s going to happen!

Dr. L said we can still induce a couple days early (meaning the last week of December) but ONLY if I’m showing signs of progression…my cervix has got to be thinning and at least a little bit dilated.¬† He will not induce early if I’m still thick and closed.¬† Which is good, I guess.¬† But I do not like the idea of going to 41 weeks, which is the point where he WILL induce if something hasn’t happened yet.¬† After our checkup yesterday, my husband is convinced that he’s not going to be here until January.¬† Maybe, maybe not.¬† One thing is for sure, if something hasn’t happened by then, we WILL have a baby by January 8th (my 41 weeks mark).¬† A lot can happen between now and then, so we will just continue to wait and see.

Other than not being dilated at all, my checkup went well.¬† Dr. L is ready for me to come off of the lovenox, which is both scary and such a relief.¬† He doesn’t see a need at this point for me to continue on any other blood thinner as he will be monitoring me closely from here until the end.¬† Baby boy seems as healthy as can be.¬† He has been moving a LOT lately, and was such a wiggle worm while we were trying to hear his heartbeat on the Doppler yesterday!¬† Dr. L had to chase him around again before we finally heard it.¬† I didn’t freak out this time because I felt him moving the whole time.¬† Dr. L loved it, he said that when a baby is moving that much it can only mean that they are healthy and doing great.

My next appointment will be on Monday.¬† Dr. L is out that day so I’ll be seeing another doctor.¬† At first he told me he would have me see Dr. Douchebag (remember him?) and I was NOT excited one bit about it.¬† But, when I was checking out the girls said Dr. Douchebag was going to be out that day as well (oh, darn!) so I’m seeing Dr. R, who is the only woman doctor in the practice.¬† I’ve never seen her as a patient, but she has been a patient in the clinic that I work at and I’ve spoken with her on the phone and done her exams many times over the last couple years.¬† She’s a little bit of an airhead (for lack of a better word) but she’s nice and I’m good with seeing her for one visit.

So, that’s that.¬† We are still just waiting patiently until this boy decides he’s ready to come out! ūüôā