35 weeks 3 days

I have been majorly lacking on my updates lately.¬† The last update I did was at 32 weeks! ūüė¶¬† These past few weeks have proved to be my most difficult.

I feel like I am getting bigger and bigger every day.¬† I’m uncomfortable.¬† I can’t sleep at all at night.¬† I cannot control my bladder and usually carry a fresh pair of panties with me everywhere I go.¬† Did I mention I’m huge??¬† I feel like a beached whale most days.¬† I’ve really packed on some pounds the last few weeks.¬†¬†Ugh.¬† I’m just miserable.¬† (But a happy miserable ūüėČ )

Starting Monday I am only working half days at work for the remainder of my pregnancy.¬† It’s getting SO difficult to be on my feet for 8 straight hours a day, so I finally had Dr. L write me that note he promised.¬† So for the next few weeks I’m down to half days/20-25 hr work weeks.¬† Yay for me but not so yay for our finances. :/¬† I cannot physically continue to work like I have been though, so it is a necessary evil right now.¬† Money is going to be tight until I go back to work from maternity leave sometime next year (because it is not paid).

At my last appointment we discussed possibly inducing a few days early if everything looks good to go by that point.¬† My due date is January 1st.¬† We would like for him to be here before the first of the year for financial reasons, among other things.¬† Plus, I really want Dr. L to deliver and he will be out of town on New Year’s.¬† Dr. L said he could induce me anytime between December 26th – 30th, as long as my cervix cooperated and was doing what it should.¬† I know there’s a lot of controversy about inducing, and most women want to avoid it if at all possible.¬† But I’m comfortable with our plan right now.¬† We don’t even know if I’ll be “Ready” to induce by then anyway, so it’s basically a wait and see game.¬† I have a funny feeling that he may come earlier than that anyhow.¬† But really, I’ve never done this before, so what do I know?

I’ve been having a LOT of Braxton Hicks contractions the last few weeks, and 2, possibly 3 REAL contractions.¬† All were on different days, but they were real and painful and I had to breath through them, so I’m saying they were legit.¬† Dr. L told me that¬†if I have 6 in an hour that I have to breath through, that’s when I need to call.¬† So I haven’t panicked yet.¬† It’s just weird and a little scary preview of what’s to come I suppose.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I feel like I swallowed a whole turkey all by myself (even though I don’t even eat turkey)!¬† I feel like I’ve done nothing but eat for 2 days straight, which does not help the fact that I’ve been feeling rather HUGE lately.¬† I stepped on the scale this morning and I am officially up 15lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight.¬† It feels like a lot more.¬† And I have a feeling at my appointment on Tuesday Dr. L’s scale will tell me I’ve gained a lot more, because it always does.¬† Oh, well.¬† Back to Thanksgiving.¬† I had a pretty good holiday.¬† I love my family and the times we get to spend together.¬† And I love my granny and aunt’s cooking.¬† I was dreading this year because my mom and I got into it last weekend (family drama ahead!!!) because she was planning to bring her new husband to dinner on Thursday.¬† When I say new, I mean they’ve been married a few weeks.¬† And I’ve never met him.¬† And I wasn’t excited to meet him on Thanksgiving day.¬† Plus, she left it up to me to inform my dad that he couldn’t come to dinner because she was bringing her new husband and it would be “uncomfortable”.¬† (We have dinner at my mom’s family every year, and even though my mom and dad have been separated for a couple years now, they still get along and my dad has still attended family dinners…until this year I guess.)¬† It was a big mess.¬† Mom and I had a long sit down and there was a lot of crying.¬† At the end of the day my dad ended up not attending (he had his own family dinner that day as well, but he usually goes to both)¬†and I had to be polite to my mother’s new husband.¬† I foresee more drama in the weeks ahead with Christmas dinner and the eventual delivery of my baby.¬†¬† Mom even asked if she was going to be able to bring new husband to the hospital when I deliver.¬† Well, dad will be there.¬† If its too uncomfortable for everyone to have a meal together, how would it be comfortable for you all to be in the same hospital room together?? Ugh.¬† Not looking forward to dealing with that.¬† Luckily I have hubby to deal with it for me at that point, as I’ll be a little busy.

I debated whether to do my “normal” updates with the fruit and whatnot, but I suppose I’ll throw it in here at the end just for fun.¬†¬† Hopefully now that I’m not working so much I’ll keep up with these last few weeks a little better.¬† I’ll try to get some more bump photos and nursery photos up soon as well!

 

Week 33:

Baby’s the size of a durian! ¬†{I have NO IDEA what that is!!} ¬†At week 33, baby weighs about 4.2 to 5.8 pounds and measures about 17.2 to 18.7 inches.¬†¬†He may even grow up to a full inch this week!¬†¬†He’s turning into a curious kid who can keep his eyes open while awake, and he’s starting to coordinate his breathing with his sucking and swallowing. Those baby bones are continuing to harden as well.

Week 34:

Baby is the size of a butternut squash! ¬†At less than two months to go, baby weighs in at about 4.2 to 5.8 pounds and measures about 17.2 to 18.7 inches. ¬†By week 34, he’s recognizing and reacting to simple songs, if you’re singing them. ¬†If you’re not singing to him, start…he may find those songs soothing after birth.

Week 35:

Baby is the size of a coconut!¬†¬†Baby Mason or Chace (still haven’t decided haha!)¬†is about 17.2 to 18.7 inches and around 4.2 to 5.8 pounds. ¬†By week 35, these systems are all a go in baby: ¬†hearing is fully developed, the circulatory and musculoskeletal systems are complete, and his lungs are mature.

How far along?¬†35 weeks (and¬†3 days)…not too much longer!

Total weight gain: +15lbs.¬† At my last appointment, Dr. L’s nurse weighed me in a +18 total lbs, but I’m not going by that.¬† They always get me higher than my digital scale at home, plus my appointments are always in the afternoon right after lunch.¬† I weigh myself at home first thing in the morning, so that’s what I’m going by.

Maternity clothes? My scrubs are getting VERY tight.¬† With only a few weeks to go, I refuse to buy any new ones.¬† Scrubs are not cheap, people!¬† Hopefully I won’t completely bust out of them before he gets here.¬† At home I’m mostly in yoga or pajama pants, and if I go somewhere its my maternity leggings and a long top.

Stretch marks?  No new ones.

Sleep:¬†¬†Not getting very much of it.¬† It’s been very rough the last couple weeks.

Best moment this week: Thanksgiving with my family, however awkward it may have been. I also got to see the new Hunger Games movie last weekend and FINALLY got my giant tub of movie theater popcorn!

Miss Anything? Sleeping on my stomach. Sleeping at all.

Movement:¬†¬†He’s still rolling around in there like crazy, but I can tell he’s running out of room.¬†Sometimes I can feel him stretch out from way down deep in my pelvis all the way up into my ribs! It’s pretty uncomfortable for me, but it’s neat to feel at the same time.¬† I think I’ll miss feeling him move the most when he’s here.¬† Oh, we watched Garth Brooks’ Live concert last night, and when he sang ‘Rodeo’ this kid went crazy!¬† We may have a Garth fan ūüėČ

Food cravings:¬†¬† A lot of Taco Bell lately.¬† And still my aunt‚Äôs homemade taco pizza that I‚Äôve been begging her to cook for me! She promised she’d make it for me after Thanksgiving! ūüôā

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not much.

Gender prediction: Sweet baby boy!

Labor Signs:  A few contractions here and there.

Symptoms:  Fatigue, bloat/gas, VERY frequent urination.  Sciatic nerve pain. Heartburn and indigestion. Shortness of breath.  Dizziness/lightheadedness. Braxton Hicks/actual contractions.

Belly Button in or out?  In, but it looks weird.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit when I first put them on. After a few hours they get tight.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy! And tired.  And cranky a lot.

Looking forward to:  Working half days and finishing up the nursery.

Next appointment:¬† December 3rd…36 weeks!

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Awareness

October has always been my most favorite month of the year.¬† Something magically changes when October 1st comes around.¬† The air gets cooler and crisper.¬† Leaves start changing colors.¬† It just simply smells different when you walk outside.¬† I love dressing in hoodies and sweatshirts and scarves (although I have none of those things that actually fit me right now…besides a scarf maybe haha).¬† It’s just the best time of year.

Until I had my miscarriage, I was unaware that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, with October 15th being the actual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I have personally suffered two losses.  One from an ectopic pregnancy where my baby was trapped inside my fallopian tube and had to be surgically removed before the tube ruptured and killed us both.  The second was a 1st trimester miscarriage that, for all intensive purposes, the cause is unknown, although we now have a pretty good idea of what may have caused it.  I know many of you have had similar or not so similar losses of your own through this journey of infertility.  October is our month.

We all deal with our grief in our own way.

In November of 2011, I put pen to paper and dealt with a little bit of my grief.¬† Strangely enough, this was triggered by another person’s grief, a very close friend of mine.

THIS IS YOUR WARNING.¬† If you are having a bad day or are in a bad place, you may not want to read on.¬† This post is about loss.¬† Terrible loss.¬† Turn back if you don’t think you can handle this today.

A lot of people don’t know that I¬†like to write.¬† I’m not by any means calling myself a writer.¬† But it is something I’ve always enjoyed doing.¬† I put out a LOT of poetry in my junior high years.¬† I wrote in a journal through most of high school, and I only wish I still had that thing.¬† I rocked out essays and research papers in college. ¬†I’ve even written my fair share of short stories that I’ve never let anyone read.¬† But I hadn’t written in so very long, and until I started this blog that was still true.¬† But in November of 2011, there was something I had to get out.¬† And this is how I did it.

I’m not sure if you would call this a short story or a diary entry or what.¬† I’ve taken out the names in it¬†to protect anonymity. ¬†It’s not my best work.¬† It wasn’t even really written to be shared at first.¬† There are a few things in it that might be controversial, especially on a place like a fertility blog. ¬†But I figured here was the best place to share it.¬† All I ask is you take it for what it is and try to withhold your judgment.

Her slender fingers intertwined with mine and squeezed my hand tightly, fearfully. Her pale face that I had known for the past 15 years was almost unrecognizable to me. Dark circles lined her usually bright blue eyes, which were both now lifeless and filled with sadness. Three small worry lines had formed on her forehead almost overnight, causing her to look ten years older than she actually was. 

“She looks like a porcelain doll, doesn’t she?” She looked hopefully into my eyes, which¬†were now brimming with tears.¬†

I nodded my head gently. “She’s beautiful,” I could barely get out.¬†

In that instant I¬†wondered how in the world we got here. How could this be happening to someone so close to me? I thought back to when we were kids. About all the things we had been through together. How it never crossed our minds that someday we would be grown women having to deal with things like this. And I thought about how amazing it¬†was that through all of these years, even though we didn’t see each other as much as we used to or talk every day anymore, she stilled called me and we were still standing by each other.¬†

I was the first person she called when we were 15 and she got to third base with a boy for the first time. I listened intensely over the phone as she gave me all the details, giggling and oohing and awwwing. 

I held her hand in the counselor’s office at school while she cried and admitted what an abusive drunk her father was. I never judged her when she told us that she sometimes wished he would just die.¬†

A year later I held her hand again when her father passed away. 

When the two of us had failed to get dates to our Junior prom, we simply went with each other. We got dressed up, got our hair done, we danced our asses off, and we had the time of our lives.

She was the first person I told when I lost my virginity. That next morning we skipped class and instead went out for breakfast, where I told her all the nitty gritty details over pancakes and hash browns.

When we started college and she made a terrible mistake, I didn’t judge her for the decision she made. I drove her three hours out of town to the clinic. Past the man with a video camera and signs reading “BABY KILLER” and “YOU’RE GOING TO HELL.” I held her hand as we walked into the clinic together, were patted down by security, and were given the 3rd degree by the nurse behind the bullet proof glass. I was waiting in her recovery bay when she was done. I didn’t agree with the decision she made, and I could never go through with it myself, but in all honesty it made the most sense for the situation she was in. So I was there for her. I was the only person in the world who carried her secret. And I’ve kept it to myself all these years.¬†

When she met her soul mate some years later and finally got married, I stood up beside her as she took her vows. It was 110 degrees in July, my hair was flat, and I was sweating like crazy beneath my long satin dress, but there was nowhere else in the world I would’ve been except standing up as her Maid of Honor that day.¬†

A year later when we had both gotten pregnant, we were so thrilled that our babies would be the same age. She was 4 months farther along than I, and had already found out she was having a girl. Of course, she had decided our babies would either get married someday if I had a boy, or, Lord help us, they would be best friends just like us if I had a girl. 

At¬†9 weeks and¬†3 days, I miscarried. I was devastated. And my friend was devastated for me. She felt guilty because she was still pregnant and I wasn’t. And it was too hard for me to be around her during the rest of her pregnancy.¬†

When I got the call that she had delivered her baby girl, I was elated. I was still grieving from my loss, but I was truly happy for my friend and couldn’t wait to see her. Then I received the rest of the news. The news that had to be a big cosmic joke. The news that made my own miscarriage almost¬†seem trivial in comparison.¬†

The tears came instantly. I was crying before I even realized it. I was crying for my own baby that I would never meet. I was crying for an innocent life that had been taken for no reason. I was crying for a friend who didn’t deserve this, a friend who had been out of my life for the last few months simply because it was too painful to be around her.¬†

And here we were. Both staring at the tiny ivory casket in front of us. So small. How could they make caskets that small? The life inside of it had never even been given a chance. And for once in our lives, I was at a loss¬†for words. I didn’t know what to say to my friend. I wasn’t sure there was anything I could say. So I held her hand, I squeezed it tight, and I cried silently beside her.¬†¬†

Her mom appeared at my side, a tear trickling down her cheek. She smiled softly and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. “You’ve always been such a good friend to her,” she whispered, causing a floodgate of tears to be opened as my lips quivered and I tried to choke them back. Because I didn’t feel like I had been a very good friend the past few months.¬†¬†

My friend and I stood there holding hands, staring at the tiny porcelain doll laying peacefully in the impossibly tiny casket. I wasn’t sure how long we had stood there so far. And I wasn’t sure how long we would stay there. All I knew was I would stand there as long as I needed to. As long as she needed me to.

Baby Nugget – Weeks 25 & 26!

Sooo…I’m a little behind on my updates again.¬† Better late than never, right??¬† Here we go!

 

Week 25:

Baby is the size of a cauliflower! ¬†Your baby measures about 13.6 inches to 14.8 inches and weighs somewhere between 1.5 to 2.2 pounds. ¬†During week 25, baby’s nervous system is rapidly developing, and he’s enjoying his new sense of equilibrium – knowing which way is up and which is down. ¬†Plus, he’s growing more hair too! ¬†Will he have Mommy’s hair color? ¬†Daddy’s hair color? Or a different color altogether? ¬†The suspense of what baby will look like is building!
Week 26:
Baby is the size of a head of lettuce!¬†¬†He is still growing in the 13.6- to 14.8-inch and 1.5- to 2.5-pound range, and while his eyes are still forming during week 26, they’ll open soon. ¬†Hello, baby! ¬†His eyelashes have grown in, too, and he’s getting his immune system ready for the outside world by getting antibodies from you. ¬†Plus, baby’s little lungs are starting to produce surfactant, the fatty substance that coats the inside lining of the lungs’ tiny air sacs, helping them to expand during breathing. ¬†And his skin has developed its color as well, because his body is now making melanin.

How far along? 26 weeks

Total weight gain: +3lbs…although I feel like I’ve gained 50 most days!

Maternity clothes? I have some jeans but haven’t really worn them yet. I’m still in my same scrubs at work, although they are beginning to get just a little snug.

Stretch marks?  No new ones.

Sleep:¬†¬†I’ve gotten some REALLY good night’s sleep this week! It’s been amazing!

Best moment this week: A very dear friend of mine had a dream come true this week. SO happy for her!

Miss Anything? Energy.

Movement:¬†¬†Oh, yes ūüôā

Food cravings:¬†¬† Ice cold milk.¬†Movie theater popcorn. Chili’s chips and salsa.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Morning sickness is back. Nothing in particular triggers it.

Gender prediction: Sweet baby boy!

Labor Signs:  No, thank you.

Symptoms:  Fatigue, bloat/gas, VERY frequent urination. Occasional round ligament pain. Sciatic nerve pain. Heartburn and indigestion. Shortness of breath. Morning sickness.

Belly Button in or out?  In.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy! And tired.

Looking forward to:  Fall! The weather is beginning to cool down (still in the 80′s but that’s a cool down where I live haha) and I can’t wait for Fall to be in full swing!

Next appointment:¬† October 22nd.¬† I’m be 30 weeks! Yikes!

Baby Nugget – 13 Weeks!

Did someone say second trimester?!¬† Holy crap!¬† This is a pretty big milestone for me.¬† I can’t say that I’m completely calm and free of worry, but it feels good to cross over into the so called “safe zone.”¬† A lot happening this week, but I’m just giving a quick update for now and will try to get on with blogging the good stuff this weekend!

Your baby is the size of a peach! ¬†She’s about 2.9 inches long and weighs about .81 ounces, and – proportion-wise – her head’s now about one-third the size of her body (remember…it used to be about half the size of her body!). ¬†Even though she’s still teeny, she already has fingerprints. ¬†And this week, her vocal cords are forming.

How far along? 13 weeks…Hello, 2nd trimester!!

Total weight gain:  -4lbs.

Maternity clothes? Nope.

Stretch marks?  No new ones. Ha!

Sleep:  Still pretty restless at night.  Up and down a lot to pee.

Best moment this week:¬†¬†My announcement at work and the reaction I got.¬† More on that in a later blog ūüôā

Miss Anything?¬†Things I’m missing out on, not because I’m pregnant, but because I’m pregnant and because of my HISTORY. More explanation on that later, too.

Movement:  Not for a long while I imagine.

Food cravings:¬†I’m still craving Olive Garden.¬† All I can think about is cheese ravioli and breadsticks.

Anything making you queasy or sick:¬†A lot of my nausea has subsided.¬† But I started throwing up randomly last week, and that’s still going on.¬† Sometimes smells trigger it.

Gender prediction: No strong feelings one way or the other. As long as its healthy, I’m happy!

Labor Signs:  No, thank you.

Symptoms: ¬†Fatigue, sore boobs, vomiting, bloat,¬†and most things smell TERRIBLE. Pretty sure I’ve been having some round ligament pain, as well.

Belly Button in or out?  In.  I have a pretty chunky belly, so I imagine it’ll stay.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy.  And tired.

Looking forward to:¬†¬†Did have plans this weekend for an out of town concert with some friends, but hubby is worried about baby nugget and I traveling so far away from him and our doctor.¬† I know I’m not made of glass, but considering my history I just don’t want to take any chances.¬† Anything could happen at any time, anywhere.¬† But hubby would feel better and I think I would too if I weren’t 3-4 hours away for 2 days if/when it did.¬† Maybe we are being too paranoid.¬† But there will be other concerts. And, I made plans with my gal pal, M, for pedicures and Olive Garden Saturday, and that I am definitely looking forward to ūüôā

Next appointment:¬† July 9th.¬† Should be almost 15 weeks! Can’t wait!

You Want Me To Put That WHERE?

CD28 and {approximately} 10dpo. Stay tuned, because this post will be covering hard hitting topics like vaginal suppositories and imaginary symptoms! Alright, here we go!

We all have them. And we all drive ourselves crazy trying to decipher them like a crazy kid who’s lost his secret decoder ring. I call them IMAGINARY, because let’s face it, it’s way too early for it to actually be pregnancy¬†symptoms. You would think that with all the knowledge we’ve acquired while TTC we’d be able to logically look at the calendar and realize that we’re crazy and that there is absolutely no way that we could possibly be¬†pregnant at 2dpo. But who cares about logic?! My boobs hurt so I MUST be pregnant! ūüėȬ†So here’s a rundown of my imaginary symptoms this cycle so far:

1. Sore Boobies. I triggered on CD16 at 8:00pm. The sore boobs {mostly nipples} started up about¬†4 days after that, around CD20. I tried to chalk it up to the trigger. But then the Crazy in me was like, why would it take four days for the trigger to affect you? If it was going to give you sore boobies, it probably would’ve happened right away. Logic is stupid. {Note: On Thursday {CD26} I had a very sharp shooting pain in my left boob. It was weird, but worth noting.}

2. Fatigue/Exhaustion. This really started on about CD18 and hasn’t let up. There was literally one afternoon at work that I was so exhausted I almost felt like I had the flu {but didn’t, thank goodness!}. Now, it has been a pretty rough couple of weeks at work. We’ve been really busy, and there was a day that I spent 9 hours straight in surgery with no break. So understandably I’d be tired. But the Crazy in me is like, you’re tired because you’re growing another human being you idiot! Who cares if its 2dpo, you should take a test!¬†

3. Nausea/Queasiness. This has been happening off and on since late last week, between CD20-21. It doesn’t last long. It just hits me all of a sudden. Then ten minutes later I’m starving and stuffing my face {not good for the diet, by the way…but I’ve lost 14lbs so far!}. Again, I try to chalk it up to all the hormones I’ve been pumping myself full of, but you know what the Crazy person has to say about it.

4. Vivid Dreams. This has happened more nights that not in the past two weeks. I had one dream last Sunday {CD22}¬†during a 3 hour afternoon nap {see Number 2} that I actually thought it had happened when I woke up. I have no logical explanation for this. So Crazy is like, Boom! You’re pregnant.

5. Headaches. Everyday this week, starting at CD23. Crazy: It’s probably not work or stress. You know you’re pregnant.

6. Cramping.¬† Period-like cramps/bloaty feeling since the weekend/beginning of this week {CD22-23ish). Probably my period coming, I’d like to believe. But…

Most all of these symptoms started late last week/weekend. On Monday I had my bloodwork done to check my progesterone. It was 11. My doc likes for it to be 15 or higher. So on Tuesday {CD24} I went to the pharmacy to pick up the new addition to my medicine regime. Progesterone Suppositories. Aren’t those just a big barrel of fun?!¬†{Note: I should’ve actually started these on Monday, but the lab didn’t fax my results same day like they were supposed to, so H didn’t get my results in time to send in my script. This crazy hormone filled lady called said lab and gave some poor soul an earful that I can promise you they will never forget.}

Since starting these little gem¬†suppositories {100mg, twice a day}, all the symptoms I’ve been having seem to be amplified. I am trying SO HARD not to read too much into it, but geez. So I broke down and peed on a frickin’ stick yesterday. It was a First Response. Only 1 pink line. White as snow. BFN.

Now, I’m trying hard to not be discouraged. And I’m also trying hard not to get my hopes up. Those are two very difficult things to do simultaneously. Technically I was only 9dpo yesterday. {I triggered CD16 at 8:00pm. Should have ovulated between 24-36 hours later, either late on CD17 or on CD18. So I’m counting CD18 as O day. I didn’t do OPK’s, so I have to go with my best guess.}¬† I’ve read that a lot of women don’t get their BFP until 12-14dpo. So I’m trying not to sweat about it yet. I’d like to just enjoy my weekend and not even test again until my Beta on Tuesday {CD31, 13dpo}.

But we all know that will¬† never happen. So for now, I’m going to take it one day at a time. I’m not testing today. Period. What I am going to do is get dressed and leave this house because I have a hair appointment in an hour and a half, and I’m stoked {my hair needs help…badly!}.

Have a great weekend! Wish me luck on not compulsively testing! ūüėČ

Follistim, Party of One

CD19, folks! It’s been a bit since I updated, and a lot has happened the last 19 days! Let me break it down for you.

 

1. Provera was hateful to me and Letrozole was kind. Had a baseline ultrasound done on CD3. My Cycle Coordinator, H, has been wonderful in working with me and having some labs and other stuff done here locally so I don’t have to take off work as much. I got to go to Dr. L’s office for the baseline ultrasound and the girls there were ecstatic to see me. The ultrasound tech even used me as a teaching device that day, since my ovaries have a perfect string of pearls. I’m pretty much textbook, folks.

2. I began my very first cycle of Follistim. We started out with 75 units on CD’s 8-10. On CD11 Hubby and I made the 2 hour drive to have my midcycle ultrasound and labs done. It was uneventful. No mature follicles to be seen. So I was instructed to continue the Follistim 75units a day for the next 5 days. Then on CD16 we would return for another ultrasound to check things out.

3. I’ve become a pro at jabbing myself with a needle! Hooray! At first it was a little tough. I mean, it didn’t hurt, and I knew it wouldn’t hurt. But it’s like my brain wouldn’t tell my hand to give myself the shot! Crazy. But eventually I got the hang of it and I’ve been shooting myself up like a mad man.

4. Back to the clinic 2 hours away for our 2nd ultrasound on CD16. We got some good news. Actually, great news! There it was, on the screen. The most beautiful big black blob I’d ever seen. One mature follicle measuring 19mm. Bigger than Dallas right there on the screen. When she told me I closed my eyes and asked which ovary it was on. Luckily, it was on the RIGHT ovary! The left had a few little ones that weren’t mature yet. And the right only had that one. But oh my gosh, it was amazing. And it only takes one, right? I was pretty much giddy the whole way home. It’s just an amazing feeling to finally get some good news! After the last several cycles of my follies only growing to 12mm and then¬†stopping, this is fantastic. I love Follistim. LOVE IT.

5. So we triggered that night at 8:00. Sexy time like crazy the last 2 nights {and probably tonight, just to be sure!}. Yesterday I was having bad period-like cramps most of the day, with some twinging of my ovary. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad sign.

 

So there you have it. Starting out the TWW with pretty high spirits. I’m always very careful not to get my hopes up, but it’s just so hard this time around. I don’t want to jinx it…but I’ve just got this feeling…. Fingers crossed!!!

 

 

Once More, With Feeling!

fertilizedeggsplease

 

I’ve been a little MIA from the blogging world lately.¬† It’s just that with the holidays and work and doctor’s appointments, I tend to spend my free time doing absolutely nothing.¬† So here we go with an update.

My follow up appointment with Dr. P was on the 31st.¬† Dr. P was looking much healthier this go around and seemed to be excited to get going with our treatment plan now that we had my lab results back.¬† Hubby’s karyoptype came back normal, as did mine.¬† Most of my other results were normal, too, expcept for increased testosterone and things like that that we had expected.¬† Then the bad not so good news.¬†¬†My insulin resistance test came back positive.¬† So it’s official.¬† I’m insulin resistant.¬† All of my blood sugar numbers were great…perfect, he said.¬† But, my body is resistant to the insulin that keeps those sugars great, so it’s making an abundance of it.¬† The excess insulin is triggering my ovaries to make more testosterone, which interferes with the growth of my follicles.¬† Which essentially makes me a sad/angry/infertile woman at the end of every cycle.

Now, none of this was news to me.¬† I had expected that I had a hint of IR, just because I’m pretty textbook for it.¬† But Dr. L had tried to put me on Metformin before, and the side effects were terrible.¬† {TMI time} I couldn’t control my bowel movements, people.¬†¬† And in my line of work where I am running around and with patients all day long, you can’t just scadaddle off to the restroom at the drop of a hat.¬† Not to mention, in an office of 35 women, we have exactly TWO bathrooms.¬† Seriously.¬† And I swear to God people just camp out in there sometimes.¬† You can never go when you need to go.

So what is our gameplan according to Dr. P?¬† Back on Metformin.¬† He told me¬†it was not an option.¬† You want to have a baby?¬† Take the Metformin.¬† Period.¬† Well, ok, doc.¬† So he put me on 500mg twice a day, starting off the first week just taking it with my evening meal until my stomach can adjust.¬† He prescribed the Extended Release {ER} which seems to help a LOT with the stomach issues…I actually haven’t had any except I seem to be gassy all the time now.¬† Which could have something to do with the 2nd part of my IR treatment…

Diet.

Ugh.

We {hubby included, because I’ll be damned if I have to do this and he doesn’t!} were informed to start following a 1200 calorie diet and cut way back on sugar intake.¬† Sure.¬† Sounds fine.¬† Except for the fact that I can drink a gallon of sweet tea a day all by myself.¬† Seriously.¬† I’m addicted to the stuff.¬† Take away sodas.¬† Take away sweets.¬† I’ll be just fine.¬† But my sweet tea??¬† Oh, God, this is gonna be bad.

It’s not a bad thing.¬† We’re both overweight.¬† We’re both out of shape.¬† This is something we’ve needed to do for a long time.¬† I’ve known I needed to get myself healthier for a long time.¬† I could just never get myself motivated to do so.¬† Until the Fertility Specialist says if you want to have a baby, this is what you have to do.¬† That’s my motivation.¬† Why I didn’t look at it this way before?¬† I have no idea.¬† But that’s how I’m looking at it now.¬† I’m just doing what I have to do.¬† I was talking to a friend this week about my future fertility treatments, and she said to me, “I don’t think I could ever give myself a shot.”¬† Without any hesitation, I looked at her and said, “When you want something bad enough, you’ll do whatever you have to do.”¬†

So far its not going too bad.¬† We went¬†through the cabinets and got rid of any and all food not on my approved list.¬† A¬†brand new unopened¬†package of Oreos thrown out. {Actually, I gave them away because I can’t bear the thought of throwing away perfectly good food}¬† My “snack” foods have been replaced with sugar free pudding, popcicles, and cool whip and fresh fruit.¬† The dinners I cook are pretty much the same, with a few changes like buying things with whole grains, etc.¬† I’m packing my lunch for work instead of going out to eat all the time and that saves calories and money.¬† I’m watching my portions and tracking my calories and so far I’ve done ok and lost 2.4lbs since the start of this week {which I’m attributing to cutting out the sweet tea lol!}.¬† I haven’t had anything to drink but water {except for 1 can of Diet Dr. Pepper} and with the help of Sweet Tea flavored Mio, it hasn’t been too bad at all.¬†¬† It’s not easy, but easier than I thought it would be. {Making myself eat breakfast has been my biggest challenge, because I am NOT a breakfast eater at all!}¬† And I’m not there yet, but I’m eating world’s better than I was a week ago, so that’s something.

Next step: Incorporating exercise into my daily routine.  But, one step at a time.

Ok, where were we?¬† After explaining the diet/Metformin plan to me, Dr. P says he’d like to give me a month or¬†two to get the IR under control before going on with any treatment.¬† Um, excuse me??¬† Did I hear you correctly, doc??¬† You want me to wait two months to start ANY kind of meds?¬† Nope.¬† Sorry.¬† Not gonna happen.¬† Two months, in the grand scheme of things, is not that long.¬† But two months for someone who has been TTC for two years is an eternitiy.¬† I haven’t had a period since November 8th and I’m going out of my frickin’ mind about it.¬† I’m gonna take your Metformin and I’m gonna cut my ties with my beloved sweet tea, so the least you can do is give me some mothertrucking Letrozole, guy.

The story, according to my husband, is that I whined and threw a fit and got my way.¬† But really, all I said was I didn’t want to wait that long to get started.¬† I’ve waited long enough, Dr. P, and you’ll soon realize that I’m going to be a pretty impatient patient.

So he gets out his prescription pad and writes me one more script….for Provera.¬† Ah, old friend, we meet again.¬† It’s gonna be a fun ten days.

He tells me to wait to start the Provera until I set up my Patient Education Class with Nurse M.¬† His plan for us right now is to do Letrozole with FSH injectables and timed intercourse {UGH}.¬† If it doesn’t work after a couple cycles we will move on to the IUI process.¬† I think this is just his way of tiding me over, since he wanted to wait until I was on the Metformin a couple of months before we did IUI anyway, but whatever, I’ll take it.¬† I can’t stand the thought of doing NOTHING.

So we signed up for the next available Patient Education Class with Nurse M¬†on January 8th, this Tuesday.¬† I’m not exactly sure what she’s going to teach me in this class that I don’t already know, besides maybe how to give myself a shot.¬† But they won’t let me start my meds until its done, so we’ll be there Tuesday morning, bright and early.

So there we have it.¬† I feel like I’m starting over, almost.¬† Like the last two years are being disregarded and I’m being treated as if all of this is new to me.¬† I’m sure that’s how they treat all new patients, but its a little frustrating, to say the least.¬† I’m ready.¬† For the big stuff.¬† If I had it my way we’d skip all this preliminary stuff and drop 20 grand on IVF tomorrow {might have to rob a bank or something first, but I can improvise}.

I’ll update soon about my first exam with Dr. P….it was interesting to say the least!

Hope everyone is having a happy new year!

 

Our First Consultation

This past Monday was our first consultation with the RE!¬† So exciting/scary/promising!¬† It’s been a crazy week with the holidays coming up, so I’m little behind on updating on how everything went.¬† But here we go…

First of all, everyone at the clinic {so far} has been so incredibly nice.¬† I get it, it’s their job and they work in a very delicate specialty.¬† But when you feel like you’re carrying around as much baggage as I do, it’s nice for people to not make you feel like you’re a burden.¬† Even if it is their job.

Hubby and I woke up way too early and left our house at 5:30am to make the 2 hour drive to the clinic.¬† $3.00 in toll fees and 2 detours later, we arrived at the clinic at around 7:50.¬† They don’t open until 8:00, and our appointment wasn’t until 8:30.¬† So we took a little joyride and found a place to take a bathroom break.¬† By the time we got back they were just opening the doors.¬† Hubs opened the truck door and asked if I was ready.¬† I wasn’t.¬† And I was.¬† All at the same time.

We were met with chaotic¬†smiles behind the front desk.¬† There was clearly a new person being trained, quite possibly her very first day, and then they explained to us that the credit card machine wouldn’t settle, so they were on the phone trying to sort that out,¬†and Dr. P {who happened to be the doctor I was seeing} was terribly ill this morning.¬† The girl assured me that things weren’t usually like this as she handed me and the hubs some papers to fill out {and thanked me a million times for filling out our medical history on the patient portal…which by the way is pretty awesome}.¬† I work in a medical office.¬† I can totally understand walking into a crazy Monday that you didn’t expect.

After handing in our papers we waited less than 10 minutes before being called back.¬† The girl who called us back {whose name I didn’t catch…I’ll have to pay more attention next time!} was all smiles as she asked me to step up on the scale.¬† I’m glad she was smiling because I was not!¬† Then Smiley took us into an exam room and asked the basic questions.¬† I had already filled everything out on the Patient Portal ahead of time, so she was basically just verifying the information.¬† She took my blood pressure then Smiley asked me to smile as she snapped my photo with a digital camera.¬† Then Hubs had to smile at Smiley for his photo.¬† At my office we just scan your driver’s license, but hey, whatever works.

Smiley then began to explain that Dr. P was very sick today, but since we were new patients and came from out of state, he was going to go ahead and see us before he went home.¬† Then she lead the way into his office.¬† Right off the bat I liked Dr. P.¬† He’s very personable, straight forward, and has just the right amount of a sense of humor.¬† The poor guy looked about half dead, though!¬† When they said he was sick they weren’t kidding!¬† I felt horrible for him, but so grateful that he chose to stay and see us.

First things first, we went over my history, discussed all the avenues we’ve already taken.¬† We came to the conclusion that I’ve got a lot of things working against me and that I’m pretty textbook for PCOS, but he wanted to do a few tests to rule out anything that could be disguising itself as PCOS.¬† Dr. P said we were going to be very aggressive with the meds to get me ovulating, probably keeping with the letrozole for now and adding FSH injectables.¬† Getting me ovualting wasn’t¬†his biggest concern though.

Recently I had some blood work done.¬† A lot of bloodwork.¬† Bloodwork that required so much blood that I passed out in the lab.¬† Dr. P was studying my results and then informed me that I am a¬†carrier of a single copy of both Factor V Leiden mutation and the C677T MTHFR mutation.¬† If you’re unfamiliar with this, I suggest you consult¬†The Google, because it will explain it much better than me.¬† The basics of it is, I have a clotting disorder.¬† And the fact that I carry both mutations and not just one is just icing on the cake.¬† After explaining this to me, Dr. P then began to ask me questions about my miscarriage.

How far along were you?  8 weeks.

Did you hear a heartbeat?  Yes.

Yes?  Yes.

Hmm.

I had been told that we were so early that there was really no way to tell what caused the miscarriage.¬† These things just happen sometimes.¬† 1 in 4.¬† It was hard, but I had accepted it.¬† Dr. P informed me that he didn’t think this was the case at all.

In his professional opinion, he said that once you hear a good healthy heartbeat, there is usually a reason behind the miscarriage.¬† In my case, the clotting problem.¬† It decreases and cuts off the bloodflow to my uterus and to the placenta, effectively cutting off the blood flow to the baby.¬† There’s no way to know for sure, but Dr. P believes this is what happened to me at 8 weeks and 1 day.

I’m not gonna lie, that’s a tough pill to swallow.¬† To know that I had a perfectly healthy baby growing inside of me, and my body betrayed me, betrayed my baby.¬† To know that I could have a 7 month old son or daughter right now if I had just been taking a frickin’ baby aspirin?!¬† It’s hard to wrap my head around.

So, game plan.  Dr. P proposes that the day I get a positive pregnancy test I will immediately begin heparin or lovenox injections every day.  I started a baby aspirin everyday when I had this bloodwork done and I will continue to do this.  {I will likely be on an aspirin regimen for the rest of my life.}  He seems pretty confident that I will be able to carry a healthy pregnancy this way.  Now, about the getting pregnant part..

Like I said, we’ll most likely stick to the letrozole for now and add FSH injectables.¬† But all of this depends on the results of the bloodwork I’ve had done this week.¬† Dr. P said depending on what the results show will depend on how he treats me.¬† I also had to be checked for insulin resistance, since it usually goes hand in hand with PCOS.¬† We discussed the fact that I was put on Metformin before but it did nothing but make me race to the bathroom every 5 minutes, so he’s not sure if its actually an issue with me or not.¬† At least if it was it would help explain all the weight gain!

He said he usually likes to start out doing 3-5 cycles of IUI before he moves on to IVF.¬† Depending on how I respond to the meds will determine how many cycles we try.¬†¬†I’m ok with that.

After we talked and the poor man finally got to go home to bed, we were sent to the lab to get some blood drawn.  They use a separate lab company, which is convenient because they have a lab a couple towns over from where we live, which happens to be in the same town that we both work in.  We went straight from the clinic to the lab in Tulsa {which was in a kind of shady location behind a grocery store} and since they wanted a karyotype test from both of us, the Hubs had to get stuck with a needle this time, too!  I enjoyed it a little too much, haha!  Then later this week I went to the local lab here to have my insulin resistance test.

We go back to see Dr. P on¬†December 31st to discuss what the results were and how he plans to go about treating me.¬† He also talked about probably getting an ultrasound of my ovaries this visit or shortly after, as well.¬† Dr. L’s office sent a short novel to him, so he’s already got a lot of the info that he needs to start off with.

So far, thats all she wrote!¬† I’m excited for the 31st to get here and see what we’re going to do.¬† I’m anxious to get started.¬† I still haven’t started my period since my last cycle {November 8th} and I don’t like not being in a cycle.¬† After counting cycle days for 2 years its like a way of life!¬† Although, I can’t say that I’m excited to meet up with my old friend, Provera.¬† Ugh.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Another One Bites The Dust

Boo.

Boo.

Yep. That’s a negative pregnancy test. Taken by yours truly. Not that I really expected anything different. But I realized today was CD35 and AF is no where in sight. And how crazy would that have been, to have my appointment with the RE on Monday and to totally be pregnant this cycle. But nope. Not happening.

Let’s commence with the bitching, since that’s what I’ve been so good at lately. Shall we?

Yesterday a girl that I used to work with posted a vague status on facebook that went a little something like this: 12/12/12 has been the best day of my life since the day I married my wonderful husband! To which someone asks…why? To which she replies: Can’t tell yet ::smiley::¬† Now, I knew the moment I read it that she was pregnant. Someone had posted a little while ago that it was time for her have a baby, and she had said they’re working on it. If you’re trying to hide it, you’re not doing a very good job. Then 10 minutes later she posts a picture of her positive pregnancy test. Wow. Really waited a while before you told people, huh?

I just Do. Not. Understand. where these people get off announcing that they’re pregnant as soon as they get a positive test! You’re, what, five minutes pregnant?! Don’t you understand all the things that could happen in the next few weeks? Days? Hours? Just another example of how infertility has affected me. My brain. My emotions. I would never be so brave as to announce that I was pregnant the moment I took a test. I didn’t tell my parents that we were pregnant until we were 7 1/2 weeks and had heard¬†a perfectly healthy¬†heartbeat. And I miscarried four days later.

Ugh.

To top all this off, I walked in on a conversation between a few girls at work about how they’re so glad they had their kids young and that they had never planned to have kids once they were 30, because that was just waiting too long. Well, this 29 year old appreciates the fact that you think I’m out of time and should just give up now. Since I’m too old and all. Too bad I didn’t start trying when I was much younger. Oh, wait. I did. Bitches.

And that concludes another horribly negative post. Enjoy!