Big. Fat. Negative.

Well, I took the plunge and tested yesterday evening. I stopped by the dollar store and bought 2 cheapy tests for $1 a piece. I couldn’t bring myself to spend the cash on an FRER when I knew I was probably setting myself up for disappointment.

I’m kinda sad, I’ll admit. I was looking forward to giving the news to my husband. To happily answering “Nope!” to our friends and family when they asked if we had to use fertility treatments again. And honestly, I was just excited about the possibility of another baby. I’ve been on the fence for a while, but this just set it in stone. My family is not complete yet. I’m ready to add to it.

I’m back in that place again. I know it could take over my every thought easily if I let it. But I can’t this time. I’m a mother and my son is my world. It will be very different the next time around.

So now I wait. Me and my glass filled boobies  (ha) will wait. For what? I don’t know. Maybe AF is coming. Maybe that’s why my boobies hurt. And let’s be honest, if that were the case that’s still a win for a girl with pcos who never has a cycle.

There’s still that nagging voice in the back of my head saying..what if it’s just early? You don’t even know when your period is due. Maybe that cheap dollar store test couldn’t pick up the hcg. You didn’t use first morning urine, and EVERYONE knows you’re supposed to use first morning urine! And your boobies do hurt… and you felt a little queasy yesterday and seemed a little sensitive to smells when your co worker sprayed that Meadows and rain febreeze. Don’t count your uterus out yet! You do still have one cheap dollar store test left….

Another problem with being an infertile…. you can pretty much talk yourself into having symptoms! I know I’ve done it MANY TIMES before. So I may be doing it now. I’m pretty good at it.

For now, I’m believing the negative test. And for now, I’ll wait. Wait for AF. Wait for my “symptoms” to go away. Wait to take that last dollar store test.

And maybe wait until this summer to start trying to have another baby. 😊

So, I might be pregnant? But probably not.

Let me explain.

I know, I know, I drop off the blogging planet with only a check in here and there, only to return with a bombshell like this??! What is wrong with me?!

Let me just start with the obvious question: I don’t actually know if I’m pregnant or not. I haven’t peed on a stick in 3 years. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. If I suspect, I should just do it, right? But here’s the thing. When you are an infertile, that dreaded stick and it’s looming will they won’t they pink lines can mean utter devastation. I’m having a lot of feeling stirred up that I haven’t felt since probably this time 3 years ago, when I was on my final cycle that would find me pregnant with my precious baby boy. I don’t like these feelings. Anxiety, dread, excitement, hope. I want to go back and live in my happy little bubble with my crazy, energetic toddler, and make my mind again forget about things like hpt’s, opk’s, ttc, ewcm, af, bfp, bfn, tww, clomid, progesterone, hcg, letrozole, follistim, lovenox, etc, etc, etc, etc. I was happy in that bubble. Until this week.

Monday was a weird day. I woke up STARVING. Like, so hungry that I was beginning to feel sick. So I stopped by Starbucks on my way to work and got an iced vanilla chai latte and a slice of banana bread. By the time I got to work I was feeling pretty yucky and could only nibble on the bread. Ok, that doesn’t mean anything. But then, my breasts started to feel very tender. Huh. Strange.

Since having M, I haven’t gone on any kind of birth control. I have a prescription for Provera so that if I go too long without a period, I can take it and make myself have one. I have 4 refills on it, as my doctor wants me to have at last 4 periods a year. I’ve only used it once. Back in February, I was thinking I should get it filled since it had been about 4 or 5 months since my last (provera induced) period. But, much to my surprise, I started my period on my own! That was fine and all. But I didn’t expect it to happen again. But low and behold, March rolled around and I started my period AGAIN, and again, on my own – no meds! Pretty crazy for a gal with PCOS.

Now, I still chalked these up to flukes and didn’t really keep track of them. My March cycle started out light and brown (sorry, TMI) but I didn’t worry because it had been away since I’d had a normal cycle every month, so it would be normal for there to be old blood. I’m not really sure when I started normal flow. And I didn’t expect anything out of it, or to get lucky enough to have a cycle in April as well.

Well, cut back to this week. Yucky feeling, very sore, tender boobies. Literally, it feels like razor blades are shredding my nipples when my tee shirt rubs against them. So my first though is…is this what PMS feels like? Is it time to start my period again? I’m not really sure because I’ve NEVER had a normal cycle…even as a teenager. So it maybe my body just gearing up for AF. Who knows. But I didn’t even keep track of the last two periods, so I’m not sure if I’m a week away from time or two weeks or what! I’m guessing I’m close to time to start if I was a normal woman with 28 day cycles. But I’m not, so again, who knows.

And here’s the thing that  gets me. The boobies, man. My nipples have NEVER been this sore unless I was on fertility medication or pregnant. Well, I’m not on any medication, ladies. And I’m not saying that means anything, but….what if it means something?! Between the nipples, and the yucky feeling (that’s not necessarily nausea but still a “blech” feeling) I can’t help but have this thought in the back of mind that….maybe I am?

I mean, it would be amazing if I was. I’ve always dreamed of getting pregnant on my own. Of it being a total surprise and surprising my husband that we did it naturally and he didn’t have to make a “deposit” into a specimen cup this time. We made the decision to not sue birth control, and for two years we haven’t actively tried, but we haven’t kept it from happening either. I mean, the odds are not in my favor to get pregnant that easily, so we have thrown caution to wind, if you will.

I’m not sure we were quite ready to start trying again. We had originally thought we would try when M was 18 months old, but I just wasn’t ready at that time, physically or mentally. The whole thought of trying to conceive again just really exhausts me. So now M is two years old, and we are just now dipping our toes into the water on the idea of trying later this year.

We didn’t want to try this spring, because M was conceived in April and born January 2nd, a week after Christmas, making that time of year extra stressful. We wanted to try to avoid adding another holiday birthday to the mix. So if I WAS, it would be absolutely hilarious since we specifically didn’t want to get pregnant right now.

It would be hilarious, but I would be SO HAPPY! A baby is blessing, especially to a family like ours who has struggled so much. I’ve really missed being pregnant, and while the idea of being pregnant with a toddler to chase around is exhausting, I know momma’s do it all the time. The idea of M being a big brother just almost makes my heart explode, because I know he will be amazing at it. The very notion that we could add a fourth to our family just absolutely overflows my soul with joy!

So here I am, with my sore boobies and my yucky stomach, retreating back to the archives of this blog (to almost this exact date 3 years ago) hoping to find some answers…were my boobies this sore then? Was I nauseous then? Are there other signs that I wrote down?

Honestly, there aren’t any answers there for me. Although it was nice to look back on. The only answer to my question lies on that dreaded stick. The one I have yet to pee on. And I’m not sure what I’m waiting on. I think I’m just scared. I’ve almost convinced myself that the impossible has happened, and if I pee on that stick and only see one line, I know what devastation is to come. Sure, this wouldn’t come after 2 and a half years of ttc, and this wouldn’t come after my first cycle after a miscarriage, but I remember those feelings all too well, and I’m afraid I will never NOT be able to react or feel that way about a BFN.

So here I am, just waiting. For what? I’m not sure. I have no idea when my period would be “due” anyway. So its not like I can wait until I’m late. Hell, I could already be late for all I know, and that doesn’t necessarily mean anything either.

I’m sure I’ll pee on that stick soon. Just to make sure. I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m probably setting myself up for. But at some point I’m going to have to do it.

I’ll keep you guys updated!

 

I Still Hate Pregnant People

Ok. I try not to HATE. But you know what I mean.

I still cringe when someone announces that they are pregnant on Facebook. Especially when they announce that they are 5 WEEKS pregnant on Facebook. Seriously?! You’re going to take that chance? Oh, that’s right. Not everyone has stupid lazy ovaries and a history of pregnancy loss. Not everyone feels the need to proceed with caution as I did. Oh, to be blissfully ignorant.

With all that being said, I think what I feel the most is jealousy.

As miserable as I was through most of it, I really miss being pregnant.  I love that my sweet baby boy is finally here safe and sound, but there is just something about being pregnant that is just magical. Maybe because I wasn’t sure if I ever would be.

But it did happen for me. After 3 long years, I had a surprisingly uneventful pregnancy (except for some blood pressure issues at the end, but even that wasn’t too bad). So why do I still roll my eyes or look on enviously at every pregnant woman I see?

Because PREGNANCY is the white rabbit. Not actually giving birth, not taking my precious baby home, although those things are priceless to me. But pregnancy is what eluded me for so long. Pregnancy is what my focus was on every single day for 3 years. Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. I would worry about the rest when and if the time came. Until then, I was forever chasing that white rabbit.

But you know what? I caught him.

I finally got my happy ending. I got my BFP. I carried my baby to term (and one day past!). I delivered him safely and soundly, even if it was a scary situation for a while. I brought him home and we started our life together. I’ve got everything I’ve always wanted and I couldn’t be happier!! And even if I’m never able to have another child, I’ve got my little miracle boy and that’s all I’ll ever need.

I have no right to still feel the way I do about pregnant women. No right at all. But I do. I do still feel that way, and I may feel that way forever. I may be 75 years old and see a glowing round belly walk past me and still feel an ache in my heart. It may be a hurt that never goes away.

So for now I’ll continue to shake my head and roll my eyes at the never ending pregnancy announcements on Facebook.

My First Period

Postpartum that is.

But seriously guys, I started my period on Wednesday.  All by myself.  No medication required.  No birth control,  no Provera, just my body doing it’s thing all on its own.  This is a huge deal to me!!!

I’m not sure if it counts since I just gave birth 10 weeks ago, but I’m choosing to celebrate anyway 🙂 (who in their right mind is excited to see AF??!) For someone with PCOS this is almost a miracle in and of itself!

Before I started TTC I hadn’t had a period on over 2 years. Since TTC I’ve only had one due to the meds I was on. That makes this my first real period in over 5 years.

I’m excited to see what my body does from here on out.  Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I were to have regular cycles and begin ovulating on my own?? Not that I’m ready to TTC again nor am I holding my breath, but its just exciting to think about! (I just realized ho we incredibly sad this post is lol)

So that’s my news. Just wanted to share with all my other infertility pals. 🙂

Birth Control

The thought of having to worry about birth control is actually hilarious to me. Also, the thought of getting pregnant again {right now} frightens me. A lot.

That being said…

We have opted to NOT go on birth control. No pill. No mini pill. No nuva ring. Nothing.

What, are we crazy?! Maybe. Do I want to get pregnant again while caring for a newborn?  Absolutely not. But I do have my reasons.

I’ve never liked being on the pill. And I liked it even less when I found out I’d pretty much been taking it for nothing all those years.  I’m not good at remembering to take my medications. I did so well while TTC and while pregnant because it wasn’t about me then. Now that Mason is here I can barely remember my prenatal vitamin every day.

Another reason is the Factor V and clotting issue. Dr. L said if I changed my mind he’d put me on a progesterone only pill for this very reason. Still not interested.

And finally,  I just need a break. For 3 years I pumped myself full of medications and hormones and hormones and more hormones. It made me crazy and an absolute wreck. I don’t even remember what it was like to feel “normal”. I know you IF mommas/future mommas get this.

So I decided that’s it. I’m done putting this stuff into my body everyday. At least for a little while. I guess I just need a cleanse of some sort. I want to get back to ME. Or at least some version of the person I’m pretty sure I used to be. The emotional roller coaster of dealing with infertility and loss changed me, yes, but the constant flow of medications I was on changed me in a way I couldn’t control. It affected the way I dealt with things. The way I treated the people in my life. So yeah, I’m done with the hormones for now. And that means birth control.

I talked it over with the hubby. I don’t think we have anything to worry about as far as accidently getting pregnant. After all, it took us 3 years to get our take home baby with LOTS of medical intervention. BUT… there’s always that chance. You hear the stories. We’ve heard it a million times while TTC. My brother’s best friend’s cousin had trouble getting pregnant with their first, then they magically got pregnant with their second a week after they had the baby!  Or something to that extent. So I told Hubs that if he really wanted me to go back on the pill, I would. I don’t want to, and he said he was ok with that. But I was clear that he had to be ok with the very slim chance that we could “accidently” get pregnant in the next year before we’re ready. Surprisingly, he said he was ok with taking that chance.

His sentiments were kind of the same as mine. We don’t want another baby right now. It was be hard. Having just one is hard! But, if by some crazy chance we got pregnant on our own with my polycystic ovaries and my one lonely fallopian tube, who are we to be upset about that?? It would be a miracle, and we would treat it as such. I would be one crazy momma a year from now, but we would be grateful for the miracle. 😉

So that’s that. We are not going back on birth control. And we are not actively trying to get pregnant. A year from now we plan to sit down and decide if we want to try for a second baby. Until then, whatever happens, happens!

Baby Nugget – Weeks 18 & 19!

Here’s a quick update of my 18th and 19th weeks of pregnancy with this little nugget! {Still no name yet…Lord help us!}

Week 18:

Baby is the size of a sweet potato!  He is about 5.6 inches long and
about 6.7 ounces now, and he keeps growing rapidly.  (That’s why you are
probably feeling so hungry!)  Can you believe he is yawning, hiccupping,
sucking, and swallowing?  And he’s twisting, rolling, punching, and kicking
too!

Week 19:

Baby is the size of a mango!  During week 19, your baby is about 6 inches
long and weighs in at about 8.5 ounces.  He’s developing a protective coating
over his skin called vernix caseosa.  It’s greasy and white and will protect his
delicate skin from the amniotic fluid.

How far along? 19 weeks

Total weight gain: -3lbs. My OB appointment Tuesday was at 1:30, and I went straight from lunch with my work girls (we had Mexican!). Dr. L told me that I had gained 2lbs since my last visit, and he was fine with that. But I was sure to tell him that I had just eaten a huge bean burrito and chips and salsa right before they weighed me, so he said, “Oh, well you only gained 1 pound then!” Haha 😉

Maternity clothes? I just ordered some jeans from Old Navy!

Stretch marks?  No new ones. Ha!

Sleep:  Still restless.

Best moment this week: Hearing baby boy’s heartbeat at my appointment this week. That never gets old.

Miss Anything? Sleeping through the night. Sweetbay white chocolate mochas.

Movement:  Yes!!! And a lot of it! It’s amazing! My little boy is a mover!

Food cravings:  Milk. Chocolate milk. Ice cream.

Anything making you queasy or sick: We had Applebee’s for lunch the other day at work. It didn’t sit so well. It’s on the “no-go” list now.

Gender prediction: Sweet baby boy!

Labor Signs:  No, thank you.

Symptoms:  Fatigue, sore nipples this week, mild nausea, bloat/gas, super sense of smell. Occasional round ligament pain. Sciatic nerve pain! Heartburn and indigestion! Leg cramps at night.

Belly Button in or out?  In.  I have a pretty chunky belly, so I imagine it’ll stay.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy!

Looking forward to:  My next ultrasound.

Next appointment:  August 27th – Anatomy Scan!

Painting the Nursery

Ok.  As usual I’m behind on my updates.  I’ll probably combine my 18 week and 19 week updates sometime this week.  Right now I’m simply too lazy to mess with it.  😉

So this weekend was a big step for me.  BIG.  Since we found out we’re having a boy, I’m been scouring pinterest for nursery ideas and whatnot.  I came up with something pretty quickly that I loved.  I showed it to hubby and he approved.  So this weekend he asks me if that was for sure what I wanted.  I told him yeah, as long as he liked it.  So he suggested we go to Lowe’s Saturday and buy paint.

Of course I was like, wait just a minute!  Are you crazy!?  We can’t just waltz up into Lowe’s and buy paint like it’s no big deal.  What are you thinking, hubby?!  Well, hubby is thinking that we are halfway through this pregnancy and he’s ready to paint a nursery.  My superstitious thoughts are of no importance to him anymore.  I actually suggested we wait until our next ultrasound, just to be sure.  And he argued that I’m always going to wait until the next time.  Which was probably true.

So with that, we went to Lowe’s and bought some paint.

Hubby got started immediately on the room.  My husband is a strange man.  While he takes his time and doesn’t get in a hurry for most things, he’s also very impulsive.  And when he wants something or wants to do something, it has to happen NOW.  And he got it in his head that the nursery needed painting this weekend, and bless his heart he painted it all by himself in a day.

So below are my “inspiration” pictures from pinterest…

nursery

nursery2

I absolutely love the blues and greens together.  LOVE it!  And the way the white crib and furniture pop against the blue wall had me sold.  Hubby liked it, too, so it was a pretty easy decision.  We already have hardwood floors and it looks really nice so far with the blue color we picked out.  So now, that empty room with plain white walls that I’ve been walking past for 2 1/2 years has a little bit of color.  And hopefully soon some curtains and furniture!

My mom and aunt are having a hard time wrapping their heads around the idea that I’m not doing some sort of “theme” nursery that revolves around a cartoon character or animal or something.  That’s all fine and dandy and if its your cup of tea, I’m sure it’ll turn out great!  But its just not the style I’m going for.  I want something that will transition easily from a baby room into a little boys room, and I’m pretty happy with the direction we’re going so far. 🙂  (I will post pictures of the finished product…right now its just an empty room with blue walls.)

It’s been a little liberating to let my guard down and “plan” without any worry.  The nursery was painted Sunday, and I had my checkup with the OB today and baby’s heart was beating away a mile a minute.  Apparently he doesn’t care that I painted the nursery.  The sky didn’t fall.  Everything is still “perfect” according to Dr. L.  So that’s that.

In other exciting news, I felt my little guy moving around this weekend!  I’ve been feeling little flutters here and there, but they are so subtle its hard to tell if its baby or gas lol.  But this weekend he was rolling around like no one’s business, and I could tell it was definitely baby movement!  Pretty dang exciting! 😀

Alright, I’ll try to be back this week with my updates!

Baby Nugget – 17 Weeks!

Baby is the size of a {really big} onion!  Baby continues to beef up.  Now he’s about 5.1 inches long and weighs 5.9 ounces.  Not only is he putting some meat on those bones, he is also growing a stronger, thicker umbilical cord too!

How far along? 17 weeks

Total weight gain: -5lbs. I swear, I am eating!

Maternity clothes? Not Yet. But I might do some online shopping today 😉

Stretch marks?  No new ones. Ha!

Sleep:  SO. RESTLESS. And I found out this week I can no longer sleep on my stomach. I don’t have a ‘bump’ in the way yet, but there’s all kinds of pressure if I try to lay on it. Baby definitely doesn’t like it! Roll over, mom!

Best moment this week:  Finding out we’re having a sweet baby boy!

Miss Anything? Sleeping through the night. On my stomach.

Movement:  Maybe?? Not sure. Sometimes I feel pressure and gas bubbly type things going on.

Food cravings:  Sour Patch Kids.  Chocolate milk.  Chinese food.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Certain smells and drainage in my throat. Brushing my teeth. And the Braum’s cheeseburger I ate the other night.

Gender prediction: Sweet baby boy!

Labor Signs:  No, thank you.

Symptoms:  Fatigue, sore nipples this week, mild nausea, bloat/gas, super sense of smell. Occasional round ligament pain. Sciatic nerve pain! Heartburn and indigestion! Leg cramps at night.

Belly Button in or out?  In.  I have a pretty chunky belly, so I imagine it’ll stay.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy!

Looking forward to:  Sleeping this weekend!

Next appointment:  August 6th

Baby Nugget – 13 Weeks!

Did someone say second trimester?!  Holy crap!  This is a pretty big milestone for me.  I can’t say that I’m completely calm and free of worry, but it feels good to cross over into the so called “safe zone.”  A lot happening this week, but I’m just giving a quick update for now and will try to get on with blogging the good stuff this weekend!

Your baby is the size of a peach!  She’s about 2.9 inches long and weighs about .81 ounces, and – proportion-wise – her head’s now about one-third the size of her body (remember…it used to be about half the size of her body!).  Even though she’s still teeny, she already has fingerprints.  And this week, her vocal cords are forming.

How far along? 13 weeks…Hello, 2nd trimester!!

Total weight gain:  -4lbs.

Maternity clothes? Nope.

Stretch marks?  No new ones. Ha!

Sleep:  Still pretty restless at night.  Up and down a lot to pee.

Best moment this week:  My announcement at work and the reaction I got.  More on that in a later blog 🙂

Miss Anything? Things I’m missing out on, not because I’m pregnant, but because I’m pregnant and because of my HISTORY. More explanation on that later, too.

Movement:  Not for a long while I imagine.

Food cravings: I’m still craving Olive Garden.  All I can think about is cheese ravioli and breadsticks.

Anything making you queasy or sick: A lot of my nausea has subsided.  But I started throwing up randomly last week, and that’s still going on.  Sometimes smells trigger it.

Gender prediction: No strong feelings one way or the other. As long as its healthy, I’m happy!

Labor Signs:  No, thank you.

Symptoms:  Fatigue, sore boobs, vomiting, bloat, and most things smell TERRIBLE. Pretty sure I’ve been having some round ligament pain, as well.

Belly Button in or out?  In.  I have a pretty chunky belly, so I imagine it’ll stay.

Wedding rings on or off?  They fit.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Pretty happy.  And tired.

Looking forward to:  Did have plans this weekend for an out of town concert with some friends, but hubby is worried about baby nugget and I traveling so far away from him and our doctor.  I know I’m not made of glass, but considering my history I just don’t want to take any chances.  Anything could happen at any time, anywhere.  But hubby would feel better and I think I would too if I weren’t 3-4 hours away for 2 days if/when it did.  Maybe we are being too paranoid.  But there will be other concerts. And, I made plans with my gal pal, M, for pedicures and Olive Garden Saturday, and that I am definitely looking forward to 🙂

Next appointment:  July 9th.  Should be almost 15 weeks! Can’t wait!